Dealing with Death and Loss at Mid-Life

     I went to a funeral service yesterday.  My uncle (not a blood relative, but one of those best friends of my parents from childhood type of things), whom I've had little contact with, had died peacefully after a long illness. My lack of any significant relationship with this family allowed me to sit back calmly and observe.  Expecting to be relatively unfazed emotionally, I found myself with a lump in my throat none-the-less.

     Stories told by the minister, my cousin's struggles to hold back tears and make it through the eulogy, Taps played at the end of the service all brought up memories of my own losses; particularly the loss of my dad three years ago.  It was inevitable really.  By this not-so-old, but then again not-so-young, age of forty-five, I have seen my fair share of death and loss.  By the time mid-life comes along, grandparents depart (if they haven't already died long ago), aunts and uncles pass on, parents begin to fail and die and let us not forget the serious illnesses and deaths among people our own age that begin to happen with increasing frequency.  Is it any wonder that depression and unhappiness peak for many people around age forty-four or so?

    For most of us, it is somewhere around mid-life that the reality of death and of our own mortality meets us face-to-face.  It's how we meet and greet this unwelcome but inevitable visitor that determines our own personal level of fear and discomfort at mid-life.  Our unpreparedness and lack of ability to cope with the reality of death can become a powerful accelerator on the road to mid-life crisis.

     How is it that people cope with all of the losses that begin to pile up at this time of life?  Each person eventually finds his or her own way, but it is usually a process that takes some time.  For many people, religion plays a large part.  Although the belief that a dear departed one has moved on to a better life and will be seen again one day offers hope, it really offers little comfort to the person who is dealing with loss in the here and now.  Some future possibility of reuniting with a loved one doesn't really stop the pain, does it?  And if you don't believe in life after death?  Well, then people just don't know what to say.  How do you provide comfort to someone suffering a loss?  How do you find comfort if you're the one suffering?

     Many people have had a lot to say over the years about death, loss and coping with it all.  One of the most well-known is Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who spent a lot of time with dying people and tried to use this experience to help the rest of us better understand the dying process.  Others have also tried to provide methods for coping with loss.  Some of the best advice I got was during my training for becoming a hospice volunteer.  We were encouraged to listen, allowing the dying or the grieving family member to talk and express their real feelings without fear of criticism and without having to hear annoying platitudes.  We also learned that time and the expression of feelings in one's own way, in one's own time is what heals; not what anyone says in response.

    Some of us just need to talk through our loss, for others talking is too difficult.  Writing letters to the the person we have lost can help to get those feelings out, as can painting, drawing, or preparing memorial scrapbooks.  The point is that, for all of us, the grieving process is uniquely our own; it happens how and when and for how long we decide it must.  It can be particularly difficult at mid-life because we sometimes choose to not deal with death.  We get a fake tan, dress like a teenager and pretend it just isn't happening.  All of it a desperate attempt to run like hell from the inevitable.

     There is an upside to this fear of death that weighs so heavily upon us a mid-life.  A little bit of fear can be a good thing; a motivator.  Used properly, fear of our impending demise can push us to make long-overdue changes in our live.  Realizing that it will someday come to an end, we can choose to make the most of what life we have left.  I'm in the midst of this process myself, trying to harness those wild-eyed horses of panic so they'll lead me to joyful engagement with life instead of a plunge off of the nearest cliff!  There are lots of ways to work through this and lots of people to help.  I've included some resources for dealing with loss and also for renewing your life at mid-life in the sidebar (see Loss and Mid-Life Headings).  If you have any helpful suggestions for those dealing with loss or mid-life crises, please post comments.  This site is meant to be a way for us girls to help each other.  I value everyone's input.

    

Comments

[Willie]

So true. My dad died about the same time, I think about him every day. It's a very difficult concept to grasp, that someone who was always there for you, isn't there anymore. But in reality they are, they live inside you, in how you act, what you do, how you live. Certain people in your life have a profound impact on the person you become, and with that, they never really die.

[Lori@BetweenUsGirls]

Thanks for sharing that...you put it so beautifully. It is true that those who have had an impact on us live on through us after they die. I never realized just how much I took after my dad until after he died. Now I find myself channeling him on a daily basis. I catch myself using the same gestures, making similar facial expressions and even making very similar life choices. His influence on me was, and continues to be, significant.

[Willie]

LOL yes, I find myself sounding more and more like him every day, especially when dealing with the kids. His phrases, and what is more surprising is my vocal inflection. it's eerie. We used to do a lot of projects together and I know he's with me now when I'm working alone. I guess I'm not really alone.