Between Us Girls

Dealing with Death and Loss at Mid-Life

     I went to a funeral service yesterday.  My uncle (not a blood relative, but one of those best friends of my parents from childhood type of things), whom I've had little contact with, had died peacefully after a long illness. My lack of any significant relationship with this family allowed me to sit back calmly and observe.  Expecting to be relatively unfazed emotionally, I found myself with a lump in my throat none-the-less.

     Stories told by the minister, my cousin's struggles to hold back tears and make it through the eulogy, Taps played at the end of the service all brought up memories of my own losses; particularly the loss of my dad three years ago.  It was inevitable really.  By this not-so-old, but then again not-so-young, age of forty-five, I have seen my fair share of death and loss.  By the time mid-life comes along, grandparents depart (if they haven't already died long ago), aunts and uncles pass on, parents begin to fail and die and let us not forget the serious illnesses and deaths among people our own age that begin to happen with increasing frequency.  Is it any wonder that depression and unhappiness peak for many people around age forty-four or so?

    For most of us, it is somewhere around mid-life that the reality of death and of our own mortality meets us face-to-face.  It's how we meet and greet this unwelcome but inevitable visitor that determines our own personal level of fear and discomfort at mid-life.  Our unpreparedness and lack of ability to cope with the reality of death can become a powerful accelerator on the road to mid-life crisis.

     How is it that people cope with all of the losses that begin to pile up at this time of life?  Each person eventually finds his or her own way, but it is usually a process that takes some time.  For many people, religion plays a large part.  Although the belief that a dear departed one has moved on to a better life and will be seen again one day offers hope, it really offers little comfort to the person who is dealing with loss in the here and now.  Some future possibility of reuniting with a loved one doesn't really stop the pain, does it?  And if you don't believe in life after death?  Well, then people just don't know what to say.  How do you provide comfort to someone suffering a loss?  How do you find comfort if you're the one suffering?

     Many people have had a lot to say over the years about death, loss and coping with it all.  One of the most well-known is Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who spent a lot of time with dying people and tried to use this experience to help the rest of us better understand the dying process.  Others have also tried to provide methods for coping with loss.  Some of the best advice I got was during my training for becoming a hospice volunteer.  We were encouraged to listen, allowing the dying or the grieving family member to talk and express their real feelings without fear of criticism and without having to hear annoying platitudes.  We also learned that time and the expression of feelings in one's own way, in one's own time is what heals; not what anyone says in response.

    Some of us just need to talk through our loss, for others talking is too difficult.  Writing letters to the the person we have lost can help to get those feelings out, as can painting, drawing, or preparing memorial scrapbooks.  The point is that, for all of us, the grieving process is uniquely our own; it happens how and when and for how long we decide it must.  It can be particularly difficult at mid-life because we sometimes choose to not deal with death.  We get a fake tan, dress like a teenager and pretend it just isn't happening.  All of it a desperate attempt to run like hell from the inevitable.

     There is an upside to this fear of death that weighs so heavily upon us a mid-life.  A little bit of fear can be a good thing; a motivator.  Used properly, fear of our impending demise can push us to make long-overdue changes in our live.  Realizing that it will someday come to an end, we can choose to make the most of what life we have left.  I'm in the midst of this process myself, trying to harness those wild-eyed horses of panic so they'll lead me to joyful engagement with life instead of a plunge off of the nearest cliff!  There are lots of ways to work through this and lots of people to help.  I've included some resources for dealing with loss and also for renewing your life at mid-life in the sidebar (see Loss and Mid-Life Headings).  If you have any helpful suggestions for those dealing with loss or mid-life crises, please post comments.  This site is meant to be a way for us girls to help each other.  I value everyone's input.

    

Idols and Inspiration

     How many interviews have you seen where the interviewer asks "Who were your idols growing up?  Who did you (or do you) look up to?  Who influenced you the most?"?  It seems to be a popular question and it always gets me to wondering (just in case, you know, for when I'm famous and chatting with Oprah) who I would say inspired me.  Hmmmmm...I've never really been able to answer that.  I've thought long and hard and realized that I never really had any idols, even as a kid.  I looked up to my parents and occasionally wished I could sing like some famous singer or that I was as beautiful as some actress, but these were never people I actually tried to emulate.  Recently though, I find myself being inspired, not by anyone whose name you would recognize or anyone you will find in a history book, but by people I have come to know personally.  Perhaps all of these years I was looking for idols in all the wrong places?

     I know that the people I am speaking of would be surprised to hear that I look upon them with such reverence.  They'd probably have a laugh over it.  But they really have demonstrated for me how to be brave in the face of danger, how to maintain a sense of humor in spite of fear and pain, and how to be strong and to focus on the positive in the midst of the negative.  I've already mentioned these two friends in a previous post: one, a breast cancer survivor and the other, in the thick of the battle.  Both of these women seem to meet each day with a positive attitude, gratitude for what they have rather than despair for what they don't.  They are energetic, involved, caring people that look for the good in everyone and never pass up the opportunity to laugh.  They don't do all of this for my benefit, but it benefits me none-the-less.  I can't help but stand in awe of women who are facing challenges that far exceed any of my own and who meet these challenges with strength and grace and humor.  These women are my idols and my inspiration; they are the ones I look up to and am trying so hard to emulate.  Historical figures and celebrities may fascinate me, but I am finding true inspiration much closer to home.

     For ideas on how to stay positive and maintain a sense of humor while dealing with breast cancer, please click on Book Recommendations under Breast Cancer in the sidebar.

Yoga and Stress

     I ordered a new yoga dvd the other day and I was so excited to try it out.  I exercise a lot, but usually stick to aerobics, stepping, weights and the like.  I do it partly to keep myself healthy (I have many genetic predispositions that make exercise a must) and partly to stay sane.  I find that, no matter how much I don't feel like exercising, I feel better when I do, both mentally and physically.  I also occasionally slip in a yoga workout when I have time.  Yoga can be very relaxing.  It encourages me to focus on my breathing, the alignment of not just my body, but my body, mind and spirit and it improves circulation and flexibility.  It also seems to help me to stay in the present moment rather than thinking of all of the things I haven't done, still have to do, wished I didn't have to do, yada, yada, yada.  It really is almost impossible to think about all of that stuff when you are busy trying to twist your body into a shape that looks more like a snack food than anything human.

    So anyway, while I know little about yoga, I do enjoy the dvd's I already have and figured it was about time for a new one.  This new dvd is a vinyasa-style yoga workout.  Vinyasa, hatha, power yoga, whatever - it sounded good to me.  Well, it turns out that there is a lot to know about yoga and I know even less than I thought.  Not really sure what the heck was going on in this vinyasa-style dvd (it looked more like a combination of modern and pole dancing than it did yoga), I decided perhaps I'd better look into this yoga thing.  There is a wealth of information on-line of course, and through it I learned that there are many branches of yoga, just one of which focuses on the combination of breathing and asanas (physical postures).  Within this one branch of yoga that focuses on the physical postures there are many variations.  What I was familiar with was hatha yoga - a form that stresses breathing combined with physical postures that are moved into slowly and held for a period of time.  Vinyasa yoga involves almost constant movement, flowing from one pose into another.  Within the vinyasa-style yoga category there are several varieties as well.  The one I had chosen was designed to keep the body moving slowly and gracefully in a manner akin to waves - ocean waves, sound waves, etc.  Ahhhhhhhhhh........sounds relaxing doesn't it?  Well, it wasn't what I was expecting.  I am trying to keep an open mind though and to give the dvd another shot or two before I package it back up and return it.  If I get the hang of it, it might prove to be useful.  It just doesn't look promising so far.  All those rippling, curving and arching movements don't come naturally to my stiff, middle-aged spine.  But it never hurts to try right?  Well honestly, it does hurt a bit, but I'm hoping it will get easier.

     Well, what have I learned from this?  The practice of yoga can be a powerful way of improving strength, flexibility and the ability to relax.  It can help us to build a better mind-body awareness also.  But there are as many types of yoga as there are people and to really get anything out of it, I may need to learn more.  If you're interested in learning more also there are many good yoga books to check out.  There are also yoga magazines with Yoga Journal being the most familiar.  See the sidebar under RESOURCES for a list of helpful websites too.

    

Women Connecting/Relationships

     I've never been what you might call "a joiner."  Following in my dad's footsteps, I tend to hold back a little.  I generally have a wait and see attitude when it comes to people.  Let me size you up and see if I really like you, see how much we have in common, whether or not we're on the same wavelength.  The problem with that is that if I'm holding back, chances are everyone around me is doing the same thing.  So there we are, all standing around making faulty assumptions about each other that are based on nothing more than a facade.  No one is really connecting.  It's a highly inaccurate way of getting to know what people are really about.  And it leads to anything but a wealth of positive relationships.  But we do it, because we don't want to just put ourselves out there, with all of our flaws, and leave ourselves vulnerable right?  As I've gotten older though, I find that I am becoming a little more secure in who I am.  I care a little bit less about what other people think.  So I put myself out there a bit more, I say what I really think more often and I openly acknowledge my flaws and my fears and and my worries.  And you know what?  When I manage to do this...to be open about what I think or what I'm worried about...it's like my own self-disclosure opens the flood gates for others.  Women, in particular, respond.  And suddenly, a connection is made.

     I've experienced this many times, and I am always amazed.  I try not to wear my heart on my sleeve and tell everyone about my problems ad nauseum, but I do try to be myself and speak honestly and from the heart.  A simple admission from me about something that I regret, or a worry I'm preoccupied with and suddenly, it's like the masks on the people around me slip off.  The change in facial expression and way of relating to me changes instantly and dramatically.  There is a look of surprise or relief.  They begin to speak with me on a whole new level, suddenly seeing me as a confidant that can be trusted to see the real person behind the mask.  I've found this to be true with women anyway.  Women need to talk things through, to confide in each other, to bounce ideas off of trusted friends who provide checks and balances.  But it seems as if we are all holding back, trying to present a confident, I've-not-a-problem-in-the-world facade.  Why - to impress each other?...to convince ourselves?  I'm not sure; I just know that it's counterproductive.

     It can be hard to open and honest with others.  Yes, it does make us a little bit vulnerable and no, not every single person will respond in the way I described above.  But, most of the time, opening up and being your true self, with all your flaws and shortcomings, leads to connection with other women.  We need this.  We need to know that we are not alone, that there are others struggling with similar issues and problems and, most importantly we need to be there for each other, sharing the joys and the concerns. 

     For those of us who are confident and out-going and sure of themselves; this is not a problem.  You probably have a wide circle of friends and a great support network.  But for those of us who are more reserved, or who simply have gotten too busy to stay connected, we have to make an effort.  Relationships take work and staying connected with other women can be a challenge in this hectic world.  It is possible though and I'm finding that the rewards outweigh the effort.  But where do you start as you look around at a small or non-existent circle of friends.  How do you reconnect if you're an isolated stay-at-home mom or a new widow?  There are many ways of enlarging your social network.  The first step is to be ready to put yourself - your real self - out there and to be ready to deal with rejection and failure in your attempts to forge new relationships.  Not everybody is going to be looking for what you're looking for.  Like any process, connecting with others takes time.

     Look at yourself first.  What kind of person are you, what are your values, your interests.  What kind of people do you want to surround yourself with?  Once you answer those questions, get involved in something that brings you closer to women who are similar to you.  But be open-minded.  Sometimes you find friends in unexpected places.  Are you a religious person?  Get involved with a women's group at your church.  Are you an avid reader?  Join a book club through your local public library.  Do you have a hobby?  Talk more to the people who shop for supplies where you shop.  Go to demonstrations or lectures or anywhere that you are likely to meet people who share your interests.  Does most of your life center around your children?  Look for women with children the same age, talk to the other moms at the playground, set up play dates.  Are you stuck at home?  The internet has a wealth of groups that you can participate in on-line.  Search under women's groups or check out these links (www.cafemom.com, www.momjunction.com, www.ivillage.com,) Or get information on how to set up your own local women's group at www.Womens-Group.net. Whoever you are and whatever you're like, if you are open and honest about who you are, most women will respond in kind. 

     Connecting with other women is essential.  We can laugh together, cry together and learn from each other.  We all need, and deserve, this kind of connection in our lives and it is possible for all of us if we make the effort.

    

Knit Therapy: Stress Relief May Just be a Stitch Away

     Except for a failed crochet experience more than a decade ago (an overly-ambitious first project that resulted in an unwearable black cardigan with sleeves of significantly different lengths), I've never really given "needlecraft" a second thought.  Recently though, I read a book called The Knitting Circle (The Knitting Circle at Amazon); a wonderful and touching novel about a woman who suffers a horrible loss and finds solace in a place she never expected...a local yarn shop and a women's knitting circle full of non stereotypical members.  The main character works through her sorrow, forms new and meaningful friendships and discovers an unexpected means of alleviating the stress and anxiety that threatens to consume her, all with the help of some needles and yarn.  It got me to thinking, as many books do. Maybe knitting isn't just for Grandmothers anymore.  Maybe there is something to this recent resurgence in the popularity of what is usually perceived as an "old lady hobby."  Why are women of all ages being drawn to knitting?  What do they know that I don't?  Of all things, could knitting be the answer to my stress management problems?

     Desperate for a creative outlet and a way of burning off some of the neurotic anxiety that has plagued me all of my life, I decided to give it a try.  In the process of buying some knitting needles and learning the basic stitches, I met a few knitters, all of whom described their reasons for knitting in surprisingly similar terms.  "It's like mental yoga," said a lovely young college professor that I met at one store, "It's very soothing....it takes your mind off of other things."  Others have described knitting as "relaxing", "almost spiritual" and "something that I can think about and not really think about at the same time."  Almost all of them, young and old, claim that knitting is "addictive." Now, of course, as with all things there is a bit of a learning curve.  And, just like anything new that you are learning, it can be frustrating in the beginning.  But when you start to get the hang of it and develop a little bit of a rhythm, it truly does become meditative.  I've learned a lot in my first few months of knitting.  Unwilling to give up out of "newbie" frustration, I've developed a little bit of patience.  For me, that's quite an accomplishment as patience is definitely not one of my strengths.  Along with that has come perseverance, as I've wrestled with four double pointed needles at once in my first attempt at knitting preemie hats.  All in all, it has been a positive experience.  I have learned that I can do things I never thought I would be able to do just by sticking with it long enough, having patience with myself and trusting the learning process. 

     We do live in stressful times and many of us are searching desperately for ways to relieve some of that stress.  There are many stress management techniques out there to try.  Some of us run or incorporate other forms of exercise into our lives, some of us learn to meditate or twist ourselves into yoga poses.  Sometimes we choose downright unhealthy ways of managing stress, like drinking, smoking or consuming chocolate by the bagful, only to create new problems with our ineffective attempts to eliminate others.  I've tried some of these (although not the drinking and the smoking, thank goodness).  I exercise and eat chocolate every day without fail, but it isn't quite enough.  So now, I knit.  And I have found it to be quite addictive.  That's how I know it's working.  I feel anxious now when I don't have a knitting project going. When I'm knitting, I lose track of time and I'm simply unable to focus on my worries.  There are twisted and dropped stitches to concern myself with; stitch patterns to follow; rows to count.  I can't possibly keep track of all of that and wallow in self-pity at the same time.  And, unlike other stress relieving activities, this one actually results in a useful product.  Thanks to my anxieties and neuroses, my kids have warm wool scarves and hats to wear this winter and my mom has a great new mohair and silk scarf to dress up her leather jacket. Who knew that an age-old method of making useful articles from two sticks and some string could be so beneficial to my modern, stress-filled life?  I certainly didn't.

     So, is knitting your answer?  There's only one way to know for sure.  Pick up those needles and give it a try.  There are are a lot of great books out there and also websites that can help to get you started.  And if you're really lucky, you'll find a few new friends loitering around the local yarn shop as well.  If you're intrigued by the idea, check out www.knittinghelp.com for beginners tips including video instructions on basic and advanced stitches.  It's a great help and often easier to watch someone do a stitch than to learn it through diagrams in a book.  They also have free patterns, as do many other sites.  But books are also a great resource that you can carry with you for reference when you are ready to take your knitting out on the road; to your daughter's soccer practice or your son's piano lesson.  Stitch'n Bitch - The Knitters Handbook (Stitch'n Bitch at Amazon) by Debbie Stoller is my favorite.  It's an easy-to-learn-from book written with a sense of humor (a good sense of humor comes in handy when you're a frustrated beginner).  Another great book is Knitting in Plain English by Maggie Righetti (Knitting in Plain English at Amazon).  There are loads of other knitting sites and books to try but these will give you a good start. So, if you are still searching for that something that can help you relax and maybe teach you a few life lessons along the way, give it a shot.  The results might surprise you.  Let me know how it works out.

The Pursuit of Happiness

     We all know that we are entitled to it, this pursuit of happiness, but what's it all about really?  What does it mean to truly be happy and how do you know when you've achieved it?  And why are we so obsessed with happiness anyway?  Throughout the ages there has been discussion of the subject but, let's face it, our grandparents didn't spend much time worrying about whether or not they were truly happy, did they?  Having a job, food on the table and a roof over your head was reason enough for happiness.  So why this renewed emphasis?

          "If we only wanted to be happy it would be easy, but we want to be happier than other people, which is almost always difficult, since we think them happier than they are."  Montesquieu

     Thanks to a combination of Hollywood, the media and modern technology, we have more information than ever about how the other guy lives.  This means more opportunities for comparing ourselves with others and, quite often, finding ourselves lacking. We've been led to believe that most people are better looking, more successful, wealthier and, of course, happier than we are.  But is this really true?  Does money or success or good looks lead to happiness.  Research suggests not.  A recent episode of 20/20 pointed out that the United States is the 23rd happiest nation on earth - even though we are the richest.  Cold and damp Denmark came in first.  Why?  Apparently their government makes sure that all of their basic needs are met - food, shelter, health care etc.  And the differences in income levels are slight with bankers, doctors and artists all earning comparable salaries.  People there have fewer worries and the ability to follow their bliss when choosing an occupation.  And when they compare themselves to others as we all do...there isn't much of a difference.  So if you want to be happier, you could pick up and move to Denmark.  But perhaps there are easier ways.  The place to start is getting realistic about what you are trying to achieve.  What is happiness anyway?

       "The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment."  Doug Larson

     Happiness is not a huge smile plastered on your face 24/7.  It isn't a never-ending feeling of joy and ecstasy.  It turns out that when people say they are happy they are referring to an overall sense of contentment.  Yes, they have their bad moments and a full range of emotion.  They get angry, they have occasional regrets, they experience loss and grief like the rest of us.  But it is how they handle their emotions and their general approach to life that makes the difference.  Happy people fully experience their emotions, both positive and negative.  What they don't do is: ruminate about the negative; personalize their defeats; or look at misfortune as being a permanent state of affairs that is pervasive, infecting all corners of their world.  In other words, happy people are optimists.  Now while it is true that most of us are born with a tendency toward optimism or pessimism - fear not, fellow pessimists, there is hope.

      "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be"  Abe Lincoln

     Yep.  Happiness is a choice and if you won't take Abe's advice, take Martin Seligman's.  Dr. Seligman is the head of the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania.  According to Dr. Seligman, we all have a set range for potential happiness, but we can do something about where in this range we fall.  In other words, we can learn to think more optimistically if we put our minds to the task and thinking more optimistically leads to landing in the higher end of our individual, potential happiness range.

     So, are you content?  Are you a born optimist?   (Don't know?  Find out here for free: www.AuthenticHappiness.com )  Do you naturally attribute your successes to you own efforts and failures to circumstance?  Do you have realistic expectations about happiness?  Do you see setbacks as temporary and the glass as half-full?  Or, are you the type to dwell on mistakes and failures, to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong and attribute your rare surceases to dumb-luck?  Do you think that you've screwed up your life in every way and it will never get any better?  If you find yourself thinking, "Oh yeah, that's me...what a loser!", check out the Recommended Reading and Helpful links under RESOURCES in the sidebar.  There are some great books and some interesting web sites out there.  Take a peek; you just might find happiness after all!

The "C" Word

     Years ago, people wouldn't speak it above a whisper.  But today, things have changed.  The word cancer is spoken loud and clear.  We know how common it is, which cancers are easily cured and which are not, how to detect it and who's got it.  But we still have an uncomfortable relationship with it.  Like most things that are painful or traumatic, we live in denial and believe that somehow these things only happen to other people.  Breast cancer is no different.  Thanks to the Susan G. Komen Foundation it may be one of the most talked about cancers but, until it invades our personal space, we are still pretty much in the dark as to the real scope of the problem. 

     For people like me, who have never had breast cancer nor had a close relative with breast cancer, it seems to be only one of many distant, vague problems whose fund-raising campaigns we might support with a donation now and then.  But at some point, you reach a certain age or fall in with a new group of people and, what was once a distant concern, suddenly becomes up close and personal.  Diseases, traumas and tragedies take on a whole new meaning when they affect people you know and love.  For me, it all started with new neighbors.

     Last winter, a charming and outgoing couple in their thirties with two small children moved in.  As we began to form a fledgling friendship, the information that was shared became more personal.  I learned that my lovely new neighbor had recently battled a rare form of breast cancer that had resulted in a double mastectomy and a recommendation for a hysterectomy as well.  A few months later another new friend, met through a women's spiritual fellowship group I had joined, announced that she had been diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer.  One of the other young women in the group mentioned that she too had recently battled breast cancer.  I almost couldn't believe what I was hearing!  I went from being relatively unacquainted with breast cancer to being surrounded by it.  Talk about a wake-up call!  Let's face it, we can't worry about every potential threat to our health and well-being that exists in this world or we would be more neurotic than many of us are already.  But there is something to be said for recognizing a serious threat when we see it and taking action to protect ourselves.  Breast cancer is far too common to be ignored.  There is plenty of information out there.  Isn't it about time we started paying attention? 

     For more information, check for recommended reading and helpful links.