Women Connecting/Relationships

     I've never been what you might call "a joiner."  Following in my dad's footsteps, I tend to hold back a little.  I generally have a wait and see attitude when it comes to people.  Let me size you up and see if I really like you, see how much we have in common, whether or not we're on the same wavelength.  The problem with that is that if I'm holding back, chances are everyone around me is doing the same thing.  So there we are, all standing around making faulty assumptions about each other that are based on nothing more than a facade.  No one is really connecting.  It's a highly inaccurate way of getting to know what people are really about.  And it leads to anything but a wealth of positive relationships.  But we do it, because we don't want to just put ourselves out there, with all of our flaws, and leave ourselves vulnerable right?  As I've gotten older though, I find that I am becoming a little more secure in who I am.  I care a little bit less about what other people think.  So I put myself out there a bit more, I say what I really think more often and I openly acknowledge my flaws and my fears and and my worries.  And you know what?  When I manage to do this...to be open about what I think or what I'm worried about...it's like my own self-disclosure opens the flood gates for others.  Women, in particular, respond.  And suddenly, a connection is made.

     I've experienced this many times, and I am always amazed.  I try not to wear my heart on my sleeve and tell everyone about my problems ad nauseum, but I do try to be myself and speak honestly and from the heart.  A simple admission from me about something that I regret, or a worry I'm preoccupied with and suddenly, it's like the masks on the people around me slip off.  The change in facial expression and way of relating to me changes instantly and dramatically.  There is a look of surprise or relief.  They begin to speak with me on a whole new level, suddenly seeing me as a confidant that can be trusted to see the real person behind the mask.  I've found this to be true with women anyway.  Women need to talk things through, to confide in each other, to bounce ideas off of trusted friends who provide checks and balances.  But it seems as if we are all holding back, trying to present a confident, I've-not-a-problem-in-the-world facade.  Why - to impress each other?...to convince ourselves?  I'm not sure; I just know that it's counterproductive.

     It can be hard to open and honest with others.  Yes, it does make us a little bit vulnerable and no, not every single person will respond in the way I described above.  But, most of the time, opening up and being your true self, with all your flaws and shortcomings, leads to connection with other women.  We need this.  We need to know that we are not alone, that there are others struggling with similar issues and problems and, most importantly we need to be there for each other, sharing the joys and the concerns. 

     For those of us who are confident and out-going and sure of themselves; this is not a problem.  You probably have a wide circle of friends and a great support network.  But for those of us who are more reserved, or who simply have gotten too busy to stay connected, we have to make an effort.  Relationships take work and staying connected with other women can be a challenge in this hectic world.  It is possible though and I'm finding that the rewards outweigh the effort.  But where do you start as you look around at a small or non-existent circle of friends.  How do you reconnect if you're an isolated stay-at-home mom or a new widow?  There are many ways of enlarging your social network.  The first step is to be ready to put yourself - your real self - out there and to be ready to deal with rejection and failure in your attempts to forge new relationships.  Not everybody is going to be looking for what you're looking for.  Like any process, connecting with others takes time.

     Look at yourself first.  What kind of person are you, what are your values, your interests.  What kind of people do you want to surround yourself with?  Once you answer those questions, get involved in something that brings you closer to women who are similar to you.  But be open-minded.  Sometimes you find friends in unexpected places.  Are you a religious person?  Get involved with a women's group at your church.  Are you an avid reader?  Join a book club through your local public library.  Do you have a hobby?  Talk more to the people who shop for supplies where you shop.  Go to demonstrations or lectures or anywhere that you are likely to meet people who share your interests.  Does most of your life center around your children?  Look for women with children the same age, talk to the other moms at the playground, set up play dates.  Are you stuck at home?  The internet has a wealth of groups that you can participate in on-line.  Search under women's groups or check out these links (www.cafemom.com, www.momjunction.com, www.ivillage.com,) Or get information on how to set up your own local women's group at www.Womens-Group.net. Whoever you are and whatever you're like, if you are open and honest about who you are, most women will respond in kind. 

     Connecting with other women is essential.  We can laugh together, cry together and learn from each other.  We all need, and deserve, this kind of connection in our lives and it is possible for all of us if we make the effort.