Between Us Girls

Living More Fully - Death as a Motivator

     "If I had my life to live over again I should form the habit of nightly composing myself to thoughts of death.  I would practice, as it were, the remembrance of death.  There is no other practice which so intensifies life..."

                              Muriel Spark

     We all die, of that there is no doubt.  And yet, we fail to truly comprehend this fact of life, being surprised and startled again and again.  Do we not comprehend the reality of death or is it simply so painful to contemplate, that our psyche's block it out in a desperate effort to preserve our sanity?

     Death is a part of life, but it's the part that we just don't want to think about.  And who can blame us?  The understanding and fear of our own mortality is what separates us from all of the other animals, and it is what makes our lives more trying and more treasured as well.  We wish it wouldn't have to be so, we invent religions with promises of life-everlasting, we selfishly prolong lives that simply aren't worth living...all to fight a losing battle.

     Death will eventually come, there is no denying it.  So what should we do with it instead?    Read more...

The Link Between Creative Play and Self-Control

      As parents, we all want to give our children as many opportunities as possible.  That often translates into piano lessons, Little League, ballet lessons, Kung Fu, choir...and the list goes on.  We don't mean any harm, we just don't want our kids to miss out.

     Unfortunately our kids are missing out.  We've recently begun to hear from parents, teachers, counselors and researchers that over-scheduling our children can be a problem.  But the reasons go well beyond running out of time for homework and a lack of sleep.

     It turns out that the unscheduled play time that our children are lacking is robbing them of valuable life lessons that simply can't be duplicated by violin teachers and soccer coaches.  Imaginative, or creative, play time requires children to manage their own time, evaluate options and make decisions.  In supervised activities like lessons and sports, the adults take on most of these duties.  The effect?  Children are robbed of the opportunity to develop a critical cognitive skill called "executive function."   Read more...

         

How to Become More Assertive

     Becoming more assertive leads us to stand up for what we believe in, to express our feelings and opinions without fear, to do what is best for ourselves and to build more equitable relationships.  Assertive people tend to be more confident, self-assured, successful and happy.  So why do so many of us continue to let other people run our lives while we silently seethe and wonder why we are so stressed out and unfulfilled?  Read more...

     

How Do You Deal With Difficult People?: The "Know-It-All"

     Of all of the types of difficult people that are out there, the "Know-It-All" is perhaps my least favorite.  Like the "Dictator" and the "Back-Stabber", they are motivated by power and personal gain; they just go about getting what they want in a different way.

     How do you recognize a "Know-It-All?"  They are the people who present what is really only their opinion as though it is a statement of fact.  They often speak with a condescending tone and may come across as professorial or down-right arrogant.  "Know-It-Alls" tend to ignore, minimize or contradict the opinions of others.  They may patiently wait until you stop talking, ignore everything you've said and just go on presenting their own theory.  Sometimes their body language can also be dismissive.  A wave of the hand or a shaking of the head and a puzzled look on their faces all let you know that, as far as they are concerned, your statements are uninformed and unimportant and you clearly need to stop talking and listen while they clear things up for you.

     Conversations with a "Know-It-All" can be tiresome, annoying and even insulting.  But going toe-to-toe with them and trying to prove that your expertise is superior to theirs is a mistake.  It is simply a no-win situation because the "Know-It-All" isn't likely to listen to your arguments no matter how well-reasoned and sound.  The "Know-It-All" isn't about listening, he or she is more interested in lecturing. 

     Shutting down or caving is isn't the best answer either.  Reacting this way just assures the "Know-It-All" that he is right, he does know better than you and he will persist in trying to "educate" you.  The best approach is to firmly but calmly stand your ground.  Speak with confidence as to facts that you are sure of and when the "Know-It-All" makes a point that you can agree with, do so.  Offer a "You're right" or an "I agree with you that..." when you can.  It allows the "Know-It-All" to feel respected and tends to pacify them a bit so they may stop trying so hard to prove their point. 

     It really is an exercise in futility to argue with a "Know-It-All."  Unless you enjoy having your intelligence insulted or being spoken to in a condescending way, you simply need to extricate yourself as quickly as possible from the conversation.  In essence, your goal should be to firmly but respectfully state your position, while acknowledging or agreeing with them on any point where you are able, in an effort to change or end the conversation as soon as possible.

     Do you have a "Know-It-All" in your life?  Post a comment and let us know how you deal with the "Know-It-All" in your life.

Alleviating Mom's Fears About Boy/Girl Relationships?

     Those of us who are moms worry, a lot.  It's part of the job description.  We do our best to raise our kids and to teach them right, but we still worry.  How do we know what they're doing when we're not around?  How do they treat other people?  In particular, we worry about what will happen in adolescence. Will our boys act like gentlemen or like animals?  And how do we protect our girls? Boy/girl relationships can put teens, and their parents, through their paces. But an interesting recent study suggests that, at least when it comes to the modern boy's perspective on girls, we may have less to worry about than we thought.

     The State University of New York studied 10th grade boys in an effort to learn how well they were really behaving within the context of boy/girl relationships.  It turns out that most of the boys said they chose whom to date based on how much they liked the person rather than an urge to have sex.  And when they did decide to have sex, it was most often because they were in love with their partner, not because everyone was doing it or because they were in a hurry to lose their virginity.  (Read the full, original article here.)

     Written from a fairly liberal, feminist perspective, the original article claims that feminists should be given credit for this improvement in boys attitudes.  After all, the author claims, by becoming more engaged in activities outside the home, feminist women have encouraged fathers to become more active in the home and with their children.  Here's a quote from the article:

"It's not feminists who argue that boys are mindless animals only interested in sex; no, that argument comes from your anti-feminist social conservatives, who manage to inject it into abstinence-only sex education:

One curriculum teaches that men are sexually aggressive and lack deep emotions. In a chart of the top five women’s and men’s basic needs, the curriculum lists “sexual fulfillment” and “physical attractiveness” as two of the top five “needs” in the men’s section. “Affection,” “Conversation,” “Honesty and Openness,” and “Family Commitment” are listed only as women’s needs."

     Do you agree?  Has our modeling of more balanced and egalitarian male/female relationships payed off?  Can we put our worries about how our boys are treating our girls on the back -burner?  Perhaps.  Or were most boys acting like gentlemen all along and we just didn't know it because we had all bought into the "teen-aged boy as a sexual predator" stereotype instead of finding out how boys really felt and behaved in the world?  Are the author's interpretations of this recent study accurate?  Or do you think that we still have plenty to be worried about?  Check out the full article and let us know what you think.

How Do You Deal With Difficult People - The "Avoider"

     Difficult people pop up here and there in our lives and some are tougher to handle than others.  It depends upon the situation and what pushes your particular buttons.  In prior posts, I've discussed the "Dictator" and the "Back-Stabber."  Now it's time to meet the third in our series; the "Avoider."

     The "Avoider" can seem harmless enough much of the time.  She will tend to refrain from too much commentary and keep her opinions to herself.  Having a conversation with an "Avoider" is like pulling teeth.  It can be frustrating and awkward to deal with such a person, but when you need to rely on an "Avoider" for information or cooperation, that feeling of awkwardness becomes the least of your problems.

     The "Avoider" typically says little until they are pressed and then often responds with monosyllables, or "I don't know," I'm not really sure," "I've never really thought about it."  What, besides shyness or a lack of social skills, causes someone to interact in this way?  "Avoiders" are often motivated by the need to be liked and to fit in.  They are fearful of standing out and drawing attention to themselves and they may be very uncomfortable with any level of conflict.  If you find yourself needing to work with, interview or rely on the participation or cooperative efforts of an "Avoider," you need to know how to break through that wall of silence.

     Remember that what this person is really afraid of is rejection.  You may need to be more delicate with them and gently draw them out.  Say or do whatever you can to assure them that their input is valued and respected and try to create a supportive atmosphere rather than a competitive, hostile one.   The "Avoider" needs to feel safe with you. Changing your own communication style may also be needed.  Don't rescue the "Avoider."  When they are asked for information or their opinion and they remain silent...don't jump in and fill the dead air for them.  Wait them out.  Let the discomfort of the silence work on them until they feel compelled to fill the dead air.  Another key to communicating with "Avoiders" is to ask open-ended questions.  Ask a yes/no question and you are likely to get a yes/no answer -- or, more likely, an "I don't know."  Posing open-ended questions will force a more detailed and informative response.

     Often, if you don't really need the cooperation of an "Avoider", it might be in your own best interests to let sleeping dogs lie.  Why frustrate yourself?  But when the "Avoider" is the keeper of much-needed information, or their input is critical to a relationship or project you care about, changing your communication style to better work with theirs may be worth the effort. 

     Stay tuned for further discussion of dealing with difficult people.  If you have any stories of difficult people in your own lives, share them by posting a comment...it's the difference between me writing and us having a conversation!

The Effects of Exercise on Cognitive Decline

   Many things change as we age and our minds are no exception.  Forgetting where we put our keys or parked our cars is just the beginning.  For some, it can get much worse as we get older.  So we ask ourselves, "Is there anything I can do to stop this?"  Well, it turns out that there is something you can do, but it might not be what you think.  Cognitive exercises will prevent cognitive decline, right?  Well...exercises yes...cognitive exercises, maybe not as much.  Surprised?  So was I.  But research is beginning to show that physical exercise may be our best defense.

     What happens to our brains when we age?  According to Dr. Arthur F. Kramer of the University of Illinois "(o)lder adults show a real decline in brain density in white and gray areas."  Furthermore, he suggested that "...fitness actually slows this decline." (Click here for more on Dr. Kramer's study as reported at the News Bureau of the University of Illinois)  In his study of 55 people aged 55 and up, he found actual anatomical differences in the brains of those individuals who were physically fit and of those who were not.  The physically fit showed less decline in brain density which translates into less cognitive decline. 

          Dr. Yaakov Stern leads the Cognitive Neuroscience Division at Columbia University in New York.  According to a recent post at www.sharpbrains.com, Dr. Stern is a proponent of the "Cognitive Reserve Theory" which posits that those of us who have better cognitive reserves (meaning higher brain weights and more neurons) can better withstand progressive brain pathologies.  This implies that, although many of us may develop some brain pathologies (such as alzheimer's disease) as we age, those of us who have better cognitive reserves will display fewer symptoms of these pathologies (click here to read the interview with Dr. Stern)  In fact, Dr. Stern has been designing studies to see what kinds of exercise might stave off cognitive decline as we age and the results have been surprising.  As in Dr. Kramer's study, there is some evidence to suggest that physical exercise may actually be of the most benefit over time.

   In a MORE magazine (More) article called "Jogging Your Memory" (March 2008), Dr. Stern attributes the benefits of aerobic exercise to a brain chemical called "Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor" (BDNF) that helps with learning.  It seems that physical exercise, aerobic exercise in particular, produces significant amounts of this chemical.  Aging affects the frontal lobes of the brain, the area that helps us to multi-task.  Over time, fewer and fewer brain cells are produced in this area to replace the ones that are dying off.  This leads to cognitive decline.  BDNF, which is produced when we engage in aerobic exercise, supports the survival of the cells in our frontal lobes and that helps us to multi-task and think more clearly.  The end result?  More confirmation that exercise, specifically aerobic exercise, may be one of the best ways to significantly slow down the mental decline that comes with age. 

     Now there has been a lot of publicity lately around the use of mental exercises to improve the functioning of the aging brain.  People are using everything from crossword puzzles to hand-held computer games to specially-designed computer software to exercise their brains and improve their memories.  Is it all for naught?  No, this type of mental activity does have some benefit.  Many of these tools do improve memory, but according to a study called "Advanced Cognitive Training for Independent and Vital Elderly" also highlighted in the MORE Magazine article, such tools often only improve memory that is specific to the objects or events used in the training.  The cognitive training did not slow the rate of general memory loss.  Is it still worth pursuing?  Perhaps, but research is pointing in another direction for those of us who want to prevent the general memory loss and cognitive decline that comes with age.  Change may be inevitable as we get older, but there are things that we can do to improve the quality of our lives.  Playing memory games, reading, learning new things and social interaction all have a part to play in our efforts to stay mentally sharp.  But if you want to stay mentally fit, becoming physically fit may be the best answer.

     Yes indeed...one more good reason to exercise.  As if you didn't have enough already.  For those of you who are already incorporating exercise into your lives, keep up the good work!  As for the rest of you, well, maybe it's time.  If you need help and inspiration in your efforts to get started with an exercise program, check out my earlier post "Exercise - An Idea Whose Time Has Come."  You might also want to check out the fitness carnival at www.fitbuff.com/total-mind-and-body-fitness-blog-carnival-38/ for articles on exercise and fitness by this author and others.  As always, feel free to post any questions or comments.

How Do You Deal With Difficult People? - The "Back-Stabber"

     So, your co-worker just went to your boss and presented the proposal you were working on?  Or maybe one of the moms in the PTA told a few people you have a bit of a drinking problem so it might be best to not let you chair that committee.  You've just been stabbed in the back and you feel hurt and betrayed.  How could she do this to me?  What did I ever do to deserve this?

     Chances are you haven't done anything to deserve the bad treatment.  The "Back-Stabber" isn't interested in rewarding or punishing your behavior.  It isn't about you.  It's about the other person getting what she wants at any cost.

     In my earlier post, "How Do You Deal With Difficult People" , we discussed how these difficult ones are motivated by various personal needs.  The "Back-Stabber" is usually seeking personal gain and sometimes revenge.  Their need for gain is clearly not related to anything their victim has done, but even revenge often has little to do with the victim.  The "Back-Stabber" may very well be seeking to right some perceived wrong that was dealt by someone else...or that exists only in the distorted mind of the "Back-Stabber."  Whatever the cause for their behavior, it is rarely something for which you can blame yourself.

     So what do you do when you've been stabbed?  Confronting the person can be pretty touchy territory.  "Back-Stabbers" will almost always deny any wrong-doing and may make you out to be "paranoid" or "petty" making you feel and, perhaps, look even worse.  Maintaining a calm demeanor is essential.  Stick to the facts and try to establish a norm of honesty...but don't be surprised if none of this works.  "Back-Stabbers" tend to do what they do because it works and the pattern of behavior is deeply ingrained.  Once you've been stabbed, however, the "Back-Stabber" has made his or herself known to you for what they are.  Now you can begin to do something about it. 

1. The first step is to minimize the damage of the initial attack, if possible.  Without pointing fingers or bad-mouthing (it just makes you look bad), speak directly to the people who matter.  For example, talk to your boss about your proposal, show her evidence of your progress and let her know without going into too much detail or emotion what has happened.  Attempts to regain credit to your work may  succeed, but if not, move on and chalk it up to experience. 
2. Protect yourself in the future.  You now know who cannot be trusted.  Keep your interactions with this person to a minimum.  If you must work or associate with this person, keep it cordial and perfunctory.  Keep open and honest lines of communication with others with whom you both interact so they will hopefully trust their own positive experiences with you rather than the rumors and sneaky actions exhibited by the "Back-Stabber."
3. When possible, cover your tracks and your bases.  Share as little information as possible with the "Back-Stabber" and keep written records of work progress (in the example above). 
4. Most importantly, don't forget who you are dealing with.  "Back-Stabbers" can be very charming but once they have shown their true colors, they are unlikely to change them. 

     As always the best thing to do with difficult people is to stay as far away from them as possible, but when avoidance isn't an option, you need to be prepared to find another way.  First you identify them and then you never take your eyes off of them.  The best offense truly is a great defense.  Never let your guard down.

     Do you need even more detailed advice on how to manage relationships with difficult people?  There are a great many books on the subject so check these out if you have a minute:

   

Help For Managing Weight and Achieving Your Fitness Goals

     Many of us have difficulty managing or maintaining our weight at one point or another.  For some, it is a life-long battle, while for others, it creeps up on us around the time we're approaching mid-life.  Whenever weight issues pop up, we are often loathe to deal with them because there are rarely quick fixes or magic pills. 

     Maintaining our weight can take considerable effort and require significant change in diet and exercise habits.  Some of you responded to my recent post on exercise and shared just how difficult incorporating exercise into your life can be.  Well, there is help out there if you know where to look.  Luckily, there are folks out there who search out the information you need and post it all in one place.  At http://weight-master.blogspot.com/ , they make it their business to provide the help you need.  They recently held a blog carnival and collected links to blogs that have hints and suggestions to help you meet your weight management and fitness goals.  Go to http://weight-master.blogspot.com/2008/02/weight-management-and-fitness-forum_16.html to find out more.  And let us all know if you find something worthwhile by posting a comment below.  Best of luck!

How Do You Deal With Difficult People?

     Difficult people are everywhere.  They work with you, ride the subway with you, go to the same coffee shop.  They sometimes pop up where you least expect them; at church, in a chat room, on the comments page of your favorite blogs.  Difficult people can make your life hell, but only if you let them...and oh, how we let them.  Many of us who are easy going and able to play well with others can be caught off guard by difficult people.  We would never (okay, let's say almost never) behave the way they do, and so when we find ourselves confronted with a truly difficult person, we are often unprepared and don't know quite how to respond.  We either stand there dumbfounded and speechless, or we react, without thinking first, in an equally negative and belligerent way.  Neither response makes us feel good about ourselves and suddenly, we find that we have let someone else's negativity poison us.

     How do we stop this cycle?  We'd love it if all the difficult people would just suddenly disappear, but it's not going to happen.  It all comes down to us.  We need to understand what makes people behave the way they do, understand our own reactions and then learn to apply some new strategies.  I've been working on this for quite a while, and while I certainly have not perfected it, I'll share with you what I have learned.

     Why can't we all just get along?  Well, the answer is complicated.  People behave the way they do for many reasons, but essentially, they behave the way they do because it meets their needs.  Even dysfunctional behavior usually has a function if we analyze it closely enough.  So we are left with choices of how we are going to handle difficult people in our own lives.  We have three choices:

• Walk Away - The simplest and best approach but often, the least feasible.  There are many people that we have to maintain relationships with so we need to know what makes them tick and how best to handle them. 
• Change the Other Person - Great idea if you're Dr. Phil; not so good otherwise.  Any good therapist will tell you that the only person you can change is yourself.
• Bingo!  Change Your Response - This takes some work, but the peace of mind that it will bring when you are successful is so worth it.

     To change the way we respond, we need first to understand ourselves.  Think of difficult people you know.  What is it about them that ticks you off?  How do you normally react?  How does your reaction make the situation worse?  How do you end up feeling as a result?  Being aware of your behavior is the first step to changing it. 

    I tend to have a knee-jerk reaction to certain types of difficult people.  I like to blame it on my Italian temper, but that's really just an excuse for the bad habits I've developed over the years.  I stumbled upon something at, of all places, the Delaware Corporate and Commercial Litigation blog, that summed up my tendency nicely.  Referring to a recent seminar for legal professionals on dealing with difficult people, the author said "One theme that repeats itself, but is always hard to comply with, is the need to avoid  being "baited" as well as the need to "be the adult" and not let someone pick a fight with you or lead you into a downward spiral of retaliatory behavior." Oh but sometimes that bait just looks so darn yummy; it's so very hard not to bite.  But biting is always a mistake.  I know too well.  The point is that you have to recognize your own patterns of behavior and see where they might be counterproductive.  Remember, difficult people behave the way they do because they are getting something out of behaving that way.  Their behavior meets their needs so they're not likely to change it.  The only thing left to do is to change the way you respond to it. 

     Sometimes, taking a moment to figure out where a person is coming from and what need they are trying to meet can help us to determine the best response to their behavior.   The most common motivators for bad behavior are attempts to the need for:

• power
• attention
• importance
• revenge

Various needs behind the behavior will become obvious when you know what to look for.  This information will help you to tailor your response to each type of difficult person.  But before we talk about the types of difficult people, here are some principles of behavior to remember:

• Behavior that is reinforced will continue.  In other words, if you debate rather than ignore a person who is looking for attention, you are rewarding their behavior and you can expect it to continue.
• If you consistently ignore attention-seeking behavior it will go away - but know that it will likely get worse before it gets better.
• If behavior does not produce the desired response, it will fade.
• Sometimes doing nothing is doing something.

     Now there are many types of difficult people out there and we each have our own strengths and weaknesses in dealing with the various types.  Some types may get under your skin but not bother anyone else in the room, while others may leave you unperturbed while throwing someone else into a rage.  I'll introduce what I think are the six basic types and then we'll go into more detail on the first type.  The other five will be discussed in detail in my next few posts.

     Here is a summary of the six most common types of difficult people.  As I describe each one, think about who would drive you the craziest and if there is anyone in your life right now that you could attach this label to:

1. "The Dictator" - a person who rules by subjugation.  He will frequently employ put-downs and angry outbursts to gain or maintain control.  He is unwilling to entertain any ideas that conflict with his own.
2. "The Backstabber" - She will be pleasant to your face but attack you from behind with criticism, false rumors and other nasty stuff.  If confronted, she will smile and deny, deny, deny.
3. "The Avoider" - he will refuse to cooperate, offer no information unless under duress and will often respond with "I don't know."
4. "The Know-It-All" - She will present her own opinions as facts using a tone of authority or outright condescension.  She leaves little room for discussion and minimizes others comments.
5. "The Waffler" - He stalls for time when asked for information or input.  He likes to be liked and doesn't want to commit until he knows where everyone else stands.  He may be indecisive and/or agree to things and back out later.
6. "The Fault Finder" - She is hyper-critical, complains endlessly, has a list of why things can't be done and lays blame anywhere but on herself.

     Recognize anyone?  Which type really pushes your buttons?  You probably found that you had a much stronger reaction to one or two than you did to the others.  And if you're honest, you may have recognized yourself in one of those like I did.  Face it, we can all be difficult at times.  But for some, it is a way of life. I'm sure that you have, or still are, dealing with one or more of the types and will need to know how best to respond to them.

      For today though, let's start with the first one the "Dictator."  The "Dictator" is motivated by the need for power and prestige.  He is out to prove himself and gain everyone's admiration and attempts to do so, not by earning everyone's admiration, but by trying to beat it out of them.  Think about the gang-banger who complains about being disrespected.  Even a small amount of psychological insight can uncover the lack of confidence and low self-esteem that underlies this kind of behavior.  But remember, we're not doing therapy here.  We are just trying to understand why this person acts as he does so we can deal with him more effectively.  First, our list of what not to do:

• Don't walk away - you'll be perceived as weak by this person and they will continue to pursue you.
• Don't argue aggressively - it will just add fuel to the fire.
• Don't take their anger personally - it isn't really about you.  It's all about the "Dictator's" feelings of inadequacy.

     So what should we do?  Try a little understanding and then try to meet this person's needs in a way that is not detrimental to you.  Don't misunderstand me.  You do not want to cater to this person and simply submit to their will.  They will lose any and all respect for you.  But you also don't want to escalate things into an unwinnable argument.  A polite but firm response is what's required.  Be clear, calm and firm while still allowing the person to feel right, knowledgeable and respected.  This is a very difficult balance to achieve.  But it can be done.

      The first step is to take a deep breath and calm yourself.  The second to remember where this person is coming from and the feelings of inadequacy that are behind his behavior.  Then, if it helps (and I think it does), feel a little sorry for the poor bugger and throw him a bone.  Let him feel that his input is valuable and that he does have some control, without caving in to him totally.  Think, 50's housewife.  She made all of the decisions but sometimes let her husband think that he was in charge.

     I realize that this is easier said than done.  It takes a lot of self-control, a lot of thought and practice.  But you will find as I have, that it works (when you remember to do it).  It takes time to put these strategies to work in our lives and unless you're the Dalai Lama, you won't always be successful.  But even if you manage to put these tips into practice just some of the time, think of the aggravation it will save you.

     Remember what I said earlier, difficult people can make our lives hell, but only if we let them. Steve Pavalina on his blog about personal development used the Buddha's words to sum that concept up nicely.  He related a story about the Buddha "'where a verbally abusive man came to see him and starting hurling insults. But the Buddha just sat there calmly. Finally the man asked the Buddha why he failed to respond to the insults and abuse. The Buddha replied, “If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?” If someone is irrational, abusive, etc., you can mentally decline to accept “the gift.” Let that person keep their anger and insanity, and don’t let it affect you.'"  Nicely said.  Decline the "gift" offered to you by difficult people and you'll find yourself to be a more peaceful and happier person.  Check my next post for tips on dealing with the "Back Stabber."  Meanwhile, try out what we've talked about today and let me know how it works for you.  Feel free to post any thoughts or anecdotes in my comments section.

Exercise - An Idea Whose Time Has Come

     Some people are born exercisers.  Exercise isn't something they have to think about or plan for; exercise in one form or another is just a normal part of the routine.  After all, what would these people do with all of their extra energy and athletic talent if they weren't running at 5 a.m. or playing racquetball at lunch or heading to the gym after work.  It's easy for them, these high-octane freaks, a no-brainer.  They'd run in circles before they would think of sitting down.  And then...well, then there are the rest of us.  We have to be dragged off of the sofa, whining and kicking and clawing at the armrests.

    We're too tired...need to run a few errands...have a pain in our little toe...or some other excuse.  Trust me, when it comes to exercise, excuses abound.  I know this to be a fact because I have used most of them at one time or another.  I never did have a natural affinity for exercise, even as a child.  My girlhood hobbies were things like reading and drawing.  When my eyes or hands got too tired, well, then I could always take a nap.

    As an adult, the idea of exercise was no more palatable.  Periodically, I would try joining a gym, choosing the shortest membership term available and then never sticking with it long enough to get my money's worth.  But I knew, as most of us know, that regular exercise would do me good.  In fact, with a family health history that seemed out to get me, I knew that exercise would become a necessity. 

     When I was in my mid-twenties and working in New York City, I tried again.  I hated my job, spent almost two hours commuting (sitting on trains for most of it) to this 9 - 5 torture chamber across the river.  I was tired and out of shape and feeling miserable.  So I took the Hoboken train one day, instead of the Journal Square train heading for home, and stopped by the Hoboken Health Club.  It was the closest gym to where I was living and it was also close to the train station.  That was good...after all, I didn't want to strain myself just getting there.

     I took the tour, asked about prices and, after being quoted a price for a one-year membership, inquired as to whether or not they might have a shorter term available -- something more like three months maybe?  My tour guide paused and turned slowly to look at me.  Then she said something that has had a lasting impact, "So, you've already decided that you're not going to stick with it.  You want to get in shape?  Take the one-year membership and make the commitment to stick with it.  Pack your exercise clothes in the morning, take them with you and after work -- don't even think about it -- just get on that Hoboken train and come right here."  I was only mildly offended.  As I stood there trying to think up an excuse for not signing up for a full year, I got more and more uncomfortable and just said "Oh, okay."

    That was about twenty years ago and I have been exercising regularly ever since.  I credit that woman with giving me some of the best advice I have ever gotten.  The most important part was "Don't even think about it."  The thinking about whether you have the time, whether you feel like it today, whether there isn't something more pressing that needs doing...this is the window of opportunity for those favorite old excuses to come barging in.  Have I found a way to love exercise?  Not really, but I have made my peace with it and in turn, it has provided me with some surprising benefits.

     Although I still have to force myself to do it, I find that exercise makes me feel so much better when I am done.  I am more energetic for at least a few hours afterward, I feel more calm and less stressed, my stamina and strength have improved, and my heart and lungs are healthier.  Exercise is important for so many reasons, both emotional and physical, that I have stuck with it for about twenty years now.  Over time, my routine has changed.  I've substituted step and floor aerobics for the treadmill and dumbbells at home for weights at the gym.  Yoga is included now and again as well (see my earlier post on yoga).  But what has remained constant is my commitment to exercise in some form or another despite the many other things I have to do and the people clamoring for my attention.  Why is that?  It's because I have made it a priority.  It hasn't always made me popular, carving this chunk of time out of each day, but it is worth it in the end.

     Each one of us can find some way of fitting some kind of exercise into our days more often than not.  There is no magic here.  Do you think that exercise might help you relieve some stress?  Do you wish you were in better shape?  Are you worried about heart disease, diabetes, arthritis?  Do you simply refuse to go up one more pant-size?  If you answered yes to any of these, the time for incorporating exercise in your life may be now.  And there are a myriad of ways to do it.  Here's how to get started:

1. Decide that you are going to exercise and commit yourself to it.  Exercise must be a priority or you will never stick with it.
2. Choose the time of day that will best work for you.  Can you work out in the company gym at lunch time?  Can you get up 45 minutes earlier and jog or do an exercise tape?  Can you play volleyball in the community league two days a week in the evening?  Choose an activity that you might have a chance of finding enjoyable and a time of day and week that works for your schedule.  Then schedule it in, without fail, unless you are seriously ill or someone dies.
3. Vary your workouts.  Variety is the spice of life.  Interspersing weight workouts with aerobic activities and perhaps yoga, pilates or a stretching routine will keep you from getting too bored and will produce better results as well.
4. Once you have your plan in place, DON'T THINK ABOUT IT!!  I cannot emphasize this enough.  If you think about it you are doomed.  This is one area of your life where not using your head can be an advantage.  To use an already overused phrase; just do it!

     Once you start a routine, stay with it for a while to give it a chance and then change it if you need or want to.  You might find that you are simply too uncoordinated for aerobics classes, but that kick-boxing tapes work for you.  You might need to have a walking or jogging buddy or to engage in group sports activities to keep you motivated.  Whoever you are and whatever you're like, there is a type of exercise and a schedule to suit you.

     Not sure what you're going to like?  Here are some ideas to get you started.  Make a visit to your local gym.  Take a tour, peek in on some classes.  See if any of it appeals to you.  Like sports better?  Call your municipal or township building, public schools or community colleges.  They often have community activities (swim times, adult education classes, community softball, volleyball, basketball and other leagues).  Rather workout alone, in private, at your own pace?  There are huge numbers of exercise videos on the market; everything from walking tapes to yoga, weight training, step aerobics...you get the idea.  One of the best places I have found to look for exercise videos is www.collagevideo.com .

    If you haven't exercised for years, start off easy with Leslie Sansone's walking tapes.  If you're ready to try aerobics, Fat Burning For Dummies with Gay Gasper is the best introductory tape out there.  Gay is a fantastic instructor and makes learning the steps easy for even the klutziest of us.  Collage Video has a large collection of videos and dvd's that you can preview on-line and wonderful customer service.  There are also some short e-books if you would rather read up on easy-to-do exercise ideas for home or office. For easy to do, seated exercises check out Get Fit While You Sit.  For weights at home try Weights For Absolute Beginners.  For information on getting the most from your workouts using interval training, you might want to look at The Great Cardio Myth.  Whatever you choose to do, make a commitment to sticking with it. 

     Looking for more information on exercise?  Check out the mind and body fitness carnival at www.fitbuff.com/total-mind-and-body-fitness-blog-carnival-38/ for helpful articles by this author and many others. 

     Do you have any questions, ideas, suggestions or inspiring words to offer?  Please post a comment and share your thoughts with us.  Thanks!

 

    

    

Migraine Pain - What's a Girl to Do?

     I've had people tell me that they have never had a headache or to pause and ponder it for a moment and then recall that they think they remember having a headache once.  Incredulous I say "Seriously?  Once?"  For someone like me who has had few headache-free weeks, it seems inconceivable.  But it is true that not everyone has headaches like I do.  I've had them since I was a child and they have become more frequent and more severe and more resistant to pain medications as I have gotten older.

    I hate to complain too much because there are worse problems in the world.  I haven't had a stroke, or lost a limb or been diagnosed with cancer.  But migraine headaches are there own kind of curse.  It isn't just the intense and often debilitating pain of the headache itself, it is the fear and dread of the next one that begins to take over a migraineur's life.  I am one of the lucky ones.  Imitrex (a prescription medicine for migraines, see info at http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-11571-Imitrex+Oral.aspx?drugid=11571&drugname=Imitrex+Oral ) works for me most of the time and I never leave home without it.  But the worries of how I'm going to make it through the next migraine that my Imitrex fails to stop and the concerns over the potential side effects of taking so much Imitrex still plague me.  What is a girl to do?

     Lots of people have headaches and most of them are not migraines.  For regular headaches, acetaminophen or ibuprofen usually does the trick.  Migraines though, usually don't respond well to over the counter meds.  Not sure if your headaches are regular tensions or sinus headaches or if they are migraines?  You are not alone.  For all of the people that know they suffer with migraines, there are many who have bad headaches and don't realize that they are migraines.  While there is no cure, there is help to be had so a proper diagnosis is important.  Not all doctors recognize the signs and symptoms though so migraines are often misdiagnosed.  How can you know?

      A migraine is usually one-sided head pain, focusing at the base of the skull and/or in the temple area.  The pain might feel like it is in or behind your eye.  You may find that you are more sensitive to light, to noise and that you are having difficulty concentrating.  You may be irritable.  You might also feel nauseous and begin vomiting or having diarrhea.  The headaches will probably not respond to over-the-counter pain meds.  You may or may not have an aura that precedes the headaches.  An aura is a visual disturbance that usually looks like flashing bits of bright light in your field of vision (similar to looking at the light reflecting off of the flat edges of a piece of cut crystal).

     Many things can trigger migraines including stress, weather changes, hormonal shifts, certain foods etc.  If you think that you might have this type of headache, see your doctor.  There is also great information on line.  Go to the National Headache Foundation  http://www.headaches.org/, the American Council for Headache Education at http://www.achenet.org/ or the National Migraine Association (MAGNUM) at http://www.migraines.org/  . 

     There is no cure for this problem.  Researchers believe that migraines happen in people who are genetically predisposed to them.  It is believed that our brains may be hypersensitive to a variety of irritating stimuli including external things like weather changes and internal disturbances like the shift in hormone levels that occur around menstruation or ovulation.  Each person has different triggers for migraine pain and they can sometimes be discovered by keeping a detailed account of headaches, foods eaten, quality of sleep, weather, hormone levels etc.  If you're lucky, you can eliminate your headaches by removing a particular food from your diet or by getting into a more regular sleep pattern.  If you are less fortunate and your headaches are caused by things that are not within your control like hormone levels or weather, there are medications that you can try.

    Imitrex is what is called a "triptan" and this class of medicines can be very helpful in stopping a migraine in its tracks.  There are many other medications that also work for some people to stop headaches.  Most of the sites listed above include loads of information on the various medications (and other alternative therapies) used to treat migraine pain and medicines that are useful for some people in preventing migraines.  If you have migraine attacks frequently as I do (nine or ten per month), your doctor will likely want to try you on a variety of preventative medications.  It's best to find a neurologist who is knowledgeable about migraine treatment and even then, prepare yourself to feel like a guinea pig.  Most preventative medicines are medications for other problems that have had the happy accident of reducing the frequency or severity of migraines in some people.  The only way to find something that works is to keep trying....and trying....and trying.

     My own experience with migraine prevention has been frustrating.  Too many side effects, not much relief.  Thankfully, the Imitrex works for me most of the time.  It has become my best friend and my constant companion.  It is what allows me to lead a semi-normal life.  Without it, I would be in intense pain and non-functional about a third of the time.  But too much Imitrex is not good.  It is a vasoconstrictor, which means that it stops migraine pain by forcing blood vessels to constrict or clamp down.  Some people have had serious, sometimes fatal "cardiac events" as a result.

    Over-dependence on rescue medications can also lead to rebound headaches.  It's a double-edged sword, this medication - "can't live with it, can't live without it."  But the search for anything that prevents migraines has proved futile so far for me.  So I keep plugging along, hoping that something better comes down the pike.  Researchers are working on a medication that works to abort migraines without the vasoconstrictor action (and therefore without the cardiac risks) of the triptans.  Since my headaches are triggered by uncontrollable events like weather and hormone shifts, this is my best hope.  So far the preventive meds haven't worked.  But research efforts are bound to increase, so I am crossing my fingers.

     The one positive that I have noticed is that more doctors are recognizing the migraine problem as something significant that needs to be addressed (although there are still plenty of them out there that have no clue and may treat you as if you are just neurotic and if you would calm down you wouldn't have these problems).  Statistic show that migraines are a real problem for many people and a huge contributor to lost productivity at work.  Perhaps that will translate into newer and better treatment options down the road. 

     If you have debilitating headaches and you suspect they may be migraines, read up on it and find a doctor who will listen.  There is help out there if you know where to look and there is no need to suffer if you don't have to.  If thereare any of you who have migraines and would like to share your experiences or recommend resources, please feel free to post comments.  What you know may help someone else.  Thanks.

Link Love

For some additional interesting reading, check out the migraine and friendships blog carnival at http://www.healthcentral.com/migraine/c/123/21352/march-blog/

Three Things To Be Sure Of: Death, Taxes and Being Unprepared for Either

     This seems to be a time of loss for my family. Within the last month or so there have been three deaths; two family members and one friend.  Two of these deaths were expected, one was definitely not.  But, in the end, it's all the same.  We're never really prepared for the end, are we?  We all know that life is finite.  We know that all lives will come to an end, even our own.  But what we understand on an intellectual level and what we can comprehend on an emotional level are two separate things.

     My father died three years ago after a nine-year-long battle with leukemia.  We knew it was incurable and we knew it would someday take his life.  When his leukemia went from chronic to acute, we also knew that the chances for survival were slim and that this change in the progression of his disease meant the beginning of the end.  And yet, when it came to that final day, we were no more ready to handle his death than we would have been if he had been suddenly struck by lightning.

     I said to many people at the time that, even though he had a fatal illness and had survived three times the number of years he was given in the original prognosis, we were all somehow totally unprepared for his death.  We just weren't ready and I don't think that any amount of time would have made us so.  At any point during his illness, even when all of the signs of impending death were obvious, admitting to ourselves, or to each other, that the end was near seemed to reek too much of surrender, of giving up hope, of failure.  We just weren't willing to go there.

    This weekend my mother-in-law came to a similar end.  As my husband tried to wrap his mind around this, and perhaps to stave off the sorrow, he said "Well, it was expected."  My perhaps not-so-helpful response was "Yes, but that doesn't really help any."  That's my experience.  The occurrence of death, while expected, is not totally comprehensible.  And neither is the sense of finality and the depth of the emotional pain that accompany it. 

     It's up to each person to grapple with both the concept and the reality of death in his or her own way.  We may go through similar stages of grief and acceptance, but we do so in different ways and in our own time.  My way of dealing with things is usually to talk about it - a lot - and sometimes to write.  It helps me to sort through my feelings.  If any of you find talking or writing about loss to be therapeutic, feel free to share with me and others.  You are welcome to post comments relating your own sorrows or your own experience with, and suggestions for, working through it.

"We say that the hour of death cannot be forecast, but when we say this we imagine that hour as placed in an obscure and distant future.  It never occurs to us that it has any connection with the day already begun or that death could arrive this same afternoon, this afternoon which is so certain and which has every hour filled in advance."  ~Marcel Proust

"We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love."  ~Madame de Stael1960

"The death of someone we know always reminds us that we are still alive - perhaps for some purpose which we ought to re-examine." ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook

 

Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing

     Everybody worries, some of us more than others.  I've been a worrier all of my life.  In fact, I come from a long line of worriers.  It's quite normal to worry really and it can even serve a purpose.  Concern about the consequences of our actions or future events can motivate us to act responsibly and to plan.  There's nothing wrong with that, is there?  Nope, there isn't...unless you take it too far.

     For some of us, worry becomes an obsession.  We practice it with such skill and frequency that we elevate it to an art form.  Spending so much of our time and energy on worry unfortunately doesn't allow time for much else.  This type of chronic, obsessive worry is often referred to as rumination; dwelling and mulling over past errors and fretting over the possibility of more to come.  Rumination can frazzle our nerves, test the patience of our loved ones and make us, and everyone around us, miserable.

     In Martin Seligman's book, "Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life," he describes how rumination occurs when we dwell on, mull over and relive negative events.  In essence, we are worrying endlessly about things we can do nothing to change.  In fact, claims Seligman, women have a much greater tendency toward rumination than do men.  Men tend to act (kick the dog, punch a hole in the wall or shoot some hoops to distract themselves) while women tend to think (and brood and obsess and question why).  A woman's tendency to ruminate also adds to the likelihood that she will develop depression.  Women are, in fact, twice as likely to suffer from depression as are men.

     What makes a person become a ruminator?  There are probably a myriad of causes including the behavior modeled by our parents, the number and frequency of failures we've experienced and others.  There is some research being done at Yale University that suggests that it may even be an inherited tendency.  When I look at my own family tree, I would be inclined to agree.  So, to put it simply, we don't know exactly what causes some of us to ruminate, but we know that it is bad for us.  So can we change this?  And if so, how do we go about it?  I'm glad that you asked.

     Changing this type of behavior is never easy, but there are things that you can do.  The first step is to recognize that you have the tendency to ruminate and to decide to do something about it.  That accomplished, you need to do a little spying on yourself and actually catch yourself in the act.  In "The Power of Optimism," Alan McGinnis suggest catching yourself thinking negative thoughts and taking a moment to evaluate them.  Are they productive?  Are your perceptions realistic or are you exaggerating?  What evidence is there to back up your negative thoughts?  For example, does your recent failure to please your boss with progress on a particular project mean that you have screwed up big time, that you always screw up, that you'll never be able to fix this, that you are a complete and utter failure?  A little critical analysis will usually lay waste to these types of catastrophic conclusions.

     But these thoughts have a way of intruding anyway.  To really get rid of them you have to distract yourself and replace these thoughts with more positive ones or with some engaging activity.  You might want to put off thinking about the negative stuff running through your mind until you get home, or write it down in a notebook so you can dwell on it later.  Then you'll need to make use of a prepared mental list of distracting activities or positive thoughts that you can whip out in an emergency.  Take time to find an inspirational quote that you can recite to yourself or a phrase such as "I'm not perfect and I don't have to be" or "This too shall pass" or whatever floats your boat.  You can sing an uplifting or favorite song to yourself or suddenly find the button on your shirt so fascinating that you are distracted by examining it in detail.  Sounds ridiculous but these things can work and sometimes make you laugh at yourself in the process.

    Loretta LaRoche wrote a wonderful little book called "Relax - You May Only Have a Few Minutes Left: Using the Power of Humor to Overcome Stress in Your Life and Work."  In it, she says that laughter reduces blood pressure, relieves muscle tension, encourages deeper breathing and boosts your immune system.  She also has some great ideas for injecting humor into not-so-amusing situations.  So the next time your driving yourself crazy with worry, try distracting yourself with something goofy.  Even force yourself to make a silly face or put a huge ridiculous grin on your face (although you shouldn't do this in the middle of the discussion with your boss).  See how it goes; you just might break that negative thought pattern and give yourself a laugh in the process.  Let me know if it works or if you have any other worry-busting ideas