Between Us Girls

The Wisdom of Illness

      Everything that happens to us in life has value.  Each experience, good or bad, offers us a learning opportunity. 

     Sometimes, when something wonderful happens, we learn that life is fun or that hard work really does pay off.  But when something bad happens?  Well, the lesson might not be so readily apparent but it's there...that pearl of wisdom exists.

     Take the stomach virus I just recently survived for example.  Please...take it...no, no really...I'm done with it...it's all yours.  Seriously though, take my recent bout with this virus as an example.

    On the surface, there seems to be nothing good that can come of so much pain and unpleasantness.  But delve a little deeper and you find that this type of illness - the drop whatever you're doing...you're coming with me...you will do nothing but what I say for the next day or two type of illness - has a very important lesson to convey.

     Being totally debilitated gives one time to think.  In between bathroom runs and prayers for death, I found myself becoming quite philosophical.  I realized, (Read more...)

Baby Talk

      We all want the best for our children.  We want them to have whatever it was that we didn't have.  We want them to be healthy and happy and smart.  At some point though, we seem to have crossed a line.  Our desires for our children have become obsessive and unreasonable.

     In a recent conversation, one mother I know said that she insists that her two girls are at least one year ahead in their studies at all time.  They do the schoolwork and homework that's required for their current grade and then she drills them on next year's material.  She questioned how parent's can say to their children "Well, as long as you did your best, that's all we can ask."  "Their best?" she said incredulously, "an A is their best...there is no other best."

     These children are in third grade.  Straight A's might not be so easy a feat as they get older and school gets harder.  What then?  Therapy, that's what.  I've seen grade school children who are stressed and anxious to the point of being nearly suicidal because of the pressure to live up to their parent's expectations.  What are we doing to our children?

     Encouraging a child to do well in school is a good thing.  Requiring that they excel in everything at all costs is quite another.  What happened to wanting our kids to be happy and to enjoy their lives?  Is there no place for this?  One thing is for sure...between school and homework and lessons, there is less and less time for fun or play.

    Free play can be a wonderful outlet for a child, a way for him to explore and learn about his world and to (Read more...)

Voice of the Earth

      The Earth is trying to tell us something...droughts, global warming, shrinking polar ice, more frequent and powerful storms, a rapidly increasing rate of species extinction.  Not with words, but with pictures and events...these are the ways our planet tries to communicate that things are changing, and not necessarily for the better.  Why aren't we listening?

     In the early days of mankind, we lived in harmony with nature.  We were born out of it and sustained by it.  The relationship was intimate and unquestionable.

     As time went on, we continued to rely on the earth for sustenance, but we organized into villages and societies and eventually into nations.  We progressed, people's duties became more specialized and our modern societies became more industrialized. Only those involved in agricultural endeavors continued their close association with Mother Nature.  The rest of us became more and more distant from her.

     Humanity as a whole began to see itself as separate from nature, and perhaps more disturbingly, as superior.  Our focus became less about honoring and respecting the earth and more about subduing it.  (Read more...)

Navigating Your Mid-Life Crisis

     To many of us mid-life sounds like a dirty word - well, a dirty hyphenated word to be accurate.  You can't even think "mid-life" without the word crisis following it, can you?  It's kind of automatic that these words flow together in our brains.  But think of a mid-life crisis and what picture comes to mind?  A speeding red convertible...one hand on the wheel, the other holding down the comb-over...salacious wink at the red light?

   I think most of us see a similar image in our minds eye.  But men aren't the only ones suffering from this mid-life manifestation.  Women also begin to question themselves mid-stream.  We wonder how we got where we are and why we're not quite happy here.  We have our doubts and regrets and a desire to get more out of life before it's over; we just don't wave a giant banner over our heads like some people.  Nothing says crisis like a fake tan and a new toupee.

     So what is it like for women?  In some ways, I believe it can be a rougher road than it is for men.  Men are brought up to go for what they want in this life.  Yes, they often take on the duties of husband and father and sacrifice some of their needs to these obligations, but it is different for women from the start.

    Women tend to value relationships highly, and in our culture, grow up learning to put others needs ahead of their own long before the husband and children come along.  While no one story fits all, many women lose themselves somewhere in girlhood.  We live a life full of shoulds and oughts and let ourselves be molded and driven by the needs and desires of others.  The result?  An adult life characterized by a weak sense of self and dedication to satisfying needs that are often not our own. 

     When a woman has a mid-life crisis she may recognize what she doesn't like about her current situation, but when asked what she does want out of life, she may have a hell of a time coming up with an answer.  It has often been so long since she even thought about what she wanted from life, that she no longer knows. 

      For men, mid-life crisis may mean wishing for the independence and care-free bachelor lifestyle they once enjoyed.  For women though, it may be wishing for a life they have never known.  A red convertible or a fling with the secretary won't suffice; there are no quick fixes here. (See my prior post on Racing Towards Mid-Life).  Women need to first rediscover who they are and what they want before they ever try to go and get it. 

     Not everyone is the same, of course.  For some, mid-life is a barely noticeable bump in the road.  For others, it is truly a crisis.  For most, it is somewhere in between - something better labeled as a challenge.  And as many versions as there are of the mid-life experience, there are that many ways of dealing with it.  For those of you who are having trouble, here are some of my ideas for navigating the choppy waters of mid-life: 

Step 1:  Acceptance and Commitment

   Once you realize that you have a problem with your life as it is, you need to commit to doing something about it.  As much as we wish it would, whining and complaining won't change things.  Committing to change is the first and most critical step, but often not the easiest.  Unless you are single, childless and without any family ties or obligations, changing your life will have an impact on those you hold near and dear.  It's unavoidable and, let me warn you that at first, nobody is going to like it.

    To find your own path to happiness, you have to make some time to focus on yourself.  That doesn't mean that you tell everyone you love to take a hike while you move off to "all-about-me" world.  Relationships and obligations are important but, if we want to really improve the quality of our own lives, we need to become more discerning. We need to determine which obligations and relationships are truly important to us and to let go of the rest.  Be prepared for lots of pouting and be ready to stand firm. 

Step 2:  Getting Back to Nature

     This might imply spending time in nature and, although that is not really what I am referring to here, I do believe that spending time in nature can help us to relax and to think more clearly and creatively  (For more on this, see my prior post on Why Getting Back to Nature May Prove to be the Best Therapy ).  For our purposes here though, what I am referring to is getting back in touch with your inner nature. 

     Your inner nature is who you really are minus all of the roles and identities that you have assumed over your lifetime.  Reacquainting yourself with your inner nature means taking some time to think about what your real values are and where your natural talents and abilities lie.  Sometimes it helps to think back to early girlhood and recall what you spent your time doing...what you lost track of time doing.  Clarifying what you value, what you enjoy and what your strengths are is a prerequisite to clarifying what it is that you want to do from here on in.  Goals that don't utilize your strengths or that are inconsistent with your values will only frustrate you.

Step 3:  Remove Obstacles

     You know what you want but now you need to figure out what's stopping you.  External circumstances like a lack of funds or too many obligations may be getting in your way.  Thinking out of the box is required to find ways over or around the things that are blocking your path.  Women often assume the role of helper but too often we feel uncomfortable with the idea of asking for help.  Try it, you might be surprised at how willing people are to give you a hand.

     Internal obstacles also prevent us from doing what we want.  Is a fear of failure stopping you?  Are you a perfectionist?  Is negative, pessimistic thinking standing in your way?  These internal hurdles can often be the toughest to navigate.  Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman and other books may be helpful for changing your thought patterns and adopting a more optimistic approach to life.  You might also want to read this post: The Pursuit of Happiness.  Need more help?  Searching out a life coach or a cognitive-behavioral therapist may be a good idea.

Step 4:  Clear the Clutter

     You can't add anything new into your life without getting rid of some stuff to make room.  Figure out what obligations you can let go of.  If you can, pay people to do time-consuming chores to free up your time.  Or, delegate some jobs to children or barter with friends and family.  Learning to say "no" to things that aren't that important can help you to find time for the things that are.  This takes assertiveness and can be excruciatingly difficult for some women.  For additional help see my prior post on Becoming More Assertive and look at my reading recommendations.  Most of us have a full plate - we can't possibly add in time for ourselves unless we get rid of something else first.  It can be done.

Step 5:  Make (and follow) a Plan

     Now that you know what you want, you've made room for adding new things into your life and you've removed many of the obstacles...you need to start working towards your goals.  You can't just sit there and expect that it will all come to you.  But don't worry, this is the fun part.  If you've done steps 1-4, the hardest part is behind you. 

     Set your goals and break them down into smaller tasks that will lead you forward.  Don't be overwhelmed.  It's true that every journey begins with a single step.  Take that first step and then take another.  See how it goes, make adjustments as needed and believe in yourself.  Most importantly, remember that we spend most of our lives on the journey, not at our destinations.  Make sure you take time to enjoy the trip!

     This article has been featured at the Carnival of Improving Life.  Visit the carnival to find more personal growth and development articles as well as financial advice, health articles and more!

Racing Towards Midlife - Dangerous Curves Ahead

     Mid-life comes with it's challenges.  Standing face-to-face with our own mortality leads some of us to panic.  You know, the kind of panic that puts men in red convertibles, racing down the highways, comb-overs flapping in the breeze?

     Sorry for putting that image into your minds, but I had to do it.  It's my way of trying to scare you straight. 

    I know as well as anyone that mid-life can be a scary time, but please ladies, let's try to keep our dignity intact.  Let's not fall prey to the scatter-brained, desperate attempts at clinging to our youth that our menfolk do. 

     The male mid-life crisis has long had an affair with sports cars, usually convertibles, often brightly colored.  Cars that scream, "Look at me...while I've still got it."  Women at midlife often suffer from the same fears of mortality, feelings of despair over goals not met, regrets for mountains not climbed but we have, at least until now, handled our crises with poise and grace.  We re-evaluate and redesign our lives at best...at worst, we might go in for a little nip or tuck.  Either way, we deal with our crises discreetly, (Read more...)

Religion and Politics

   Long considered taboo for polite discussion, religion and politics now seem to be the topic of the day.  Who you're for is no longer a private matter when it comes to religion or politics.  In fact, the implication is that they should somehow go hand-in-hand. 

     Last night, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama fielded questions that had to do with their faith, their politics and how the former may influence the latter at a "Compassion Forum" held in Pennsylvania.  Don't let the title fool you, the forum had little if anything to do with compassion and lots to do with nailing down the faith perspectives of our two democratic candidates.

     In America, our nation was set up in a way that would ensure the separation of church and state.  Why - because the founding fathers were a bunch of atheists?  No, because many of the people who settled here had come to escape religious persecution.  They wanted the freedom to worship (or not) as they saw fit.  Keeping a separation between church and state ensured that the political powers of the day would be  (Read more...)

Universal Health Care in America - It's Time for the Truth

     It seems that the time for Universal Health Care in America has come...or has it?  Other nations have been providing quality health care to their citizens for decades, yet the very mention of the idea here in the States gives rise to claims of Socialist agendas, vitriolic accusations of laziness, and other hateful, ignorant and nonsensical rhetoric.

     Why does the idea of Universal Health Care seem to bring out the worst in so many people?  As a person who likes to believe that people are inherently good, I find it difficult to maintain that perspective when I hear people claim that they work harder than others and deserve to keep what they have worked so hard for...or that they don't understand why their hard work should help provide for " those slackers" who just want to live off of everyone else.  Excuse me...am I hearing right?

     So many people in this country work hard everyday, often at more than one job, just to keep food on the table.  Many have no health care coverage or inadequate coverage.  Even those who think they have good insurance often find that their insurers refuse to pay for much of their care.  It's a little thing called record profits in the insurance industry through claim denial.   Sure, there are a few lazy people out there who just want to work the system, but they are the minority.  Most of our less fortunate people are hard-working individuals...people who chose social work over law school or to help support their families instead (Read more...)

Come On Get Happy - The Taoist Approach to Life

     It's no strange coincidence that so many of us are looking for happiness.  The more we have separated ourselves from nature and from each other, the more miserable we have become.

     We are struggling to find happiness, as if it is out there somewhere hiding from us.  But it's right where it has always been...we've just lost sight of it.

     Happiness is something within us, something that we create for ourselves...it is a way of being in the world...a way of living in harmony with nature (both our inner nature and the nature that surrounds and sustains us).  How do we find our way back?

     We can find our way back to happiness by looking backward in time and following the ancient wisdom of a people who truly understand how to live happily.  As I have begun to explore the basic principles of Taoism, I have been surprised by both their (Read more...)

Midlife Women Bloggers: We're Here and We Have Something to Say

     Okay, so we're not exactly in the majority.  Most of the voices you hear in the world of blogs are a bit younger.  They have Facebook accounts, frequent MySpace and work the social bookmarking sites like StumbleUpon, Digg and others until their fingers bleed. 

    These energetic little devils are tearing up the blog scene.  They've grown up with a facility with all things technological that most of us mid-lifers will never acquire.  Never-the-less, we are out there and we have something to say.   You might want to take a moment to listen...wisdom does come with age after all.

     I recently connected with a number of women bloggers who, like it or not, would be considered middle-aged.  We tend to get a little lost in the blog shuffle sometimes, but we do have a lot of great things to share.  So I thought I'd introduce you to a few midlife women bloggers that it might benefit you to know.  (Read more...)

Why Getting Back to Nature May Prove to be the Best Therapy

      Despite the technological and medical advancements of recent history, modern life is fraught with difficulties.  It seems that the more we attempt to simplify life, the more complicated it becomes.  Our preoccupation with more, bigger, and faster is taking us further and further away from the natural rhythms that once governed human life.

     Stress, obesity and mental illnesses seem to be on the rise not just among adults, but among our children as well.  A CDC study of US children found that 2 out of 10 children are obese and that there is a direct link between the number of hours spent in front of the t.v. or computer and the amount of body fat.

     Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) has become so common that every child has at least a few classmates that suffer from it.  A whopping 90% of children diagnosed with the disorder are prescribed drugs - drugs that interfere with sleep, often cause depression and can retard physical growth by as much as 1/2" per year.  (For more on medicating children with mental disorders see my earlier post: Psychiatric Disorders in Children)

     There was a time when we rose with the sun, spent our days living and working in the natural world and rested when night fell.  In an extremely short period of time (when you consider the entire history of man) we have completely changed our way of living from  (Read more...)