5 Tips for Harnessing the Power of Your Words

No one would deny the power of words, but like all powerful tools, words can be used for good or evil. And sometimes, our failure to use our words carefully can hurt others and our relationships with them.

We've all had experiences with people who purposely use words as weapons, but we've also known those whose simple lack of ability to think before they speak unwittingly leads them to embarrass themselves or offend others.

I was reminded of this quality recently by the story of a friend of mine. A friend of a friend had recently become a non-friend because of her tendency to have whatever thoughts entered her mind immediately spill out of her mouth. I was sad to hear it, but not terribly surprised. When I first met the woman she had reminded me of an old, no-longer-friend of my own who was too quick to share her opinions and criticism. This old friend taught me some painful, but very valuable lessons. Thanks to my experiences with her, I had seen the writing on the wall early on with this new friend of a friend and had chosen to steer clear. Whew!

While we all make mistakes from time to time and occasionally say or do the wrong thing, some of us, like the woman in the example above, consistently make the tactical error of not thinking before we speak.

These are people that I always think of as having “no-filter.” They are the ones whose mouths work more quickly than their brains. The thought is not evaluated or edited, it is simply formulated and translated immediately into speech. It's a dangerous pattern because once the words fly out of your mouth, there is no sucking them back in.

Do you recognize this pattern? Perhaps you know someone who is perpetually saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person. It can be very unpleasant to deal with people like this, but our discomfort with their off-the-cuff remarks and poorly-thought-out commentaries isn't the worst part really.

People who continually speak before they think bring even greater suffering upon themselves. In my experience, they tend to leave behind them a trail of burned bridges and failed relationships. And sadly, they don't see their own behavior as the cause. Unfortunately, they often perceive their behavior in a positive light.

As my old, no-longer-friend used to say after she had thrown out a particularly cutting or hurtful remark, “Hey, I'm only being honest.” And honesty is a good quality, right? Well, not always. Others I have known also pride themselves on their candor, boasting about how straightforward or blunt they are and how that's gotten them where they are today. They don't see their behavior for what it is – boorishness. For them, everyone else is wrong and to blame for any rifts that may have occurred.

Think of the people you know who fit the description of the “no-filter” personality. You'll probably notice as I have, that they have few friends and one or more alienated family members. It's no great feat to figure out why.  Being honest and forthright are great qualities, but as with everything in life, there can be too much of a good thing. Every thought that you have does not need to come out through your mouth. As the old saying goes, “If you can't say something nice, it's better to say nothing at all.” Or as Abe Lincoln said, “It is better to keep one's mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and resolve all doubt.”

By now, many of you have probably been able to think of people in your own families or social circles who are filter-challenged.  Some of you, those who are capable of a little bit of introspection and personal insight, may even have  seen a reflection of yourself.   Aaahhhhh!  If so, don't panic or beat yourself up. There is no shame in having a flaw or two, none of us are perfect. In fact, you should give yourself a pat on the back for being aware enough to notice it and brave enough to acknowledge it.  So what do you do if you're the one who tends to speak first, regret it later?

First – admit that you have a problem. Don't try to protect your own feelings by deluding yourself that it's a strength. Take ownership of it. It may be flaw but it's yours and until you are willing to own up to it, it will continue to wreak havoc on your life and your relationships. You've done that already? Okay...

Second – make a commitment to doing something about it. As Alfred Adler said, “Insight without action is useless.” (or something to that effect). Don't say, “Well, that's just me, I can't help it.” That's a cop-out and you know it. You're an adult. There may be reasons why you behave the way you do, but you can always make the choice to behave differently. It might not be easy, but it's not impossible.

Third – Become more aware of what you think and what you say. Notice what issues, situations or people tend to bring out this tendency to blurt or spew or engage in a knee-jerk reaction rather than a thoughtful response.

Fourth – Begin to pay attention to what you say and even more importantly, the consequences of what you say. Recognize the pattern and make a commitment to breaking it.

Fifth - Whenever you are about to speak, pause for a moment. Ask yourself, “Is what I am thinking hurtful or helpful?” “Is what I want to say necessary or can I let it go unsaid?” Then proceed with caution. Don't worry, other people will hardly notice the pause, your brain works very quickly. You just need to train it to work faster than your mouth does.

Like anything else worth doing, thinking before you speak takes practice and you won't be able to consistently get it right at first.  You've probably been speaking without thinking for a good long time. You'll continue to do so for a good long time to come. But your growing awareness of your mistakes, your ability to see and evaluate the consequences and your willingness to learn and try to do better next time will help you to turn on that internal filter and, over time, you will find that you control your words instead of your words controlling you. As an added bonus, you might find yourself to be a heck of a lot more popular.

We all have things to say and a need to be heard. Take the time to carefully choose what you say and how you say it. You'll find that far more people are willing to listen.

 

Comments

[Elaine]

Interesting and helpful perspective. I have had no-filter friends in my past, too, and your tips make sense.

I'd be curious on your take on the other end of the spectrum: people who have too many filters and edit their comments internally and are overly reluctant to be honest and forthright. They need 5 tips, too. ;-)

[Lori]

Hey Elaine,

Glad you liked the post. A lot of people, women particularly, over-edit their speech in an effort to be liked or to not rock the boat. We're "people pleasers." While there is a time and a place for editing what we have to say and for diplomacy, never feeling comfortable in expressing one's true feelings or opinions is a symptom of a larger problem.

It's hard for many of us to say or to do what we want, especially when it might be unpopular. Correcting that all comes down to learning to be more assertive. I posted some tips on how to do this a while back. Check out http://betweenusgirls.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/02/how-to-become-m.html . Let me know if it's helpful.

[Sara]

My stepmother is one of these! However, she masks what she says by saying that shes just an honest person. However, were you to be honest back to her (eg comments on how she dresses) I am sure she would be mortified. Sometimes these people are just plain insensitive.
I took a very bold move and recently decided I had had enough. Such negativity, constantly can damage ones heart. I choose not to be around that type of person any more.
It takes care and thoughtfulness to think before we speak, its not that hard. You just have to want to do it!
Sara

[Lori]

Sara,

Ugh...that sounds way too familiar. The phrase "I'm only being honest" still makes me cringe.

I was lucky that the person who said these words to me repeatedly was just a "friend" and could easily be cut off. It's more difficult when she's your mother-in-law. I agree that this kind of behavior is simply insensitive and often the only answer is to walk away. I just hope that you can do so without straining your relationship with your spouse. If not, perhaps you can convince your significant other to address the issue with his mother?

Sometimes there is just no changing these people but it might be worth trying to make your mother-in-law more aware of how her behavior is driving you away (to put an end to her offensive behavior and keep peace in the family as well). Easier said than done...good luck with that.

[Sara]

Thanks for your comments Lori. I am really enjoying your blog.
Its actually my step mother. Today I did speak with her about how her words harm, but now she's sick and apparently thats the reason why.
I think that some people just think they dont have the mental discipline to think before they speak, afterall it does take effort to hit that mental pause button. I know, as I have to practise this one.
I love Stephen Covey for this one, he talks about the pause between stimulus and response. Its the one author who I think makes (for me) sense of this.
I think it takes time and energy to create wonderful powerful uplifting words. But what a way to go! Its such an uplifter when people are upbeat and happy.
Sara

[Lori]

Sara,

So sorry that I misread step mother as mother-in-law...I'm just so used to complaints about mothers-in-law. Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you took a chance and expressed your concerns to your step mother. Even if she isn't ready to hear them or to do anything about them, you can at least feel good that you tried your best to clear the air and improve the relationship. Who knows...maybe she will eventually come around. Meanwhile, enjoy spending your time with people who lift you up rather than put you down.