That's Perfect! Unfortunately, I'm Not

We all like to succeed, don't we?  No one sets out in the morning with hopes of failure.  But some of us just want it more than others.  In fact, some of us demand it.  We want everything to work out perfectly and we put an insane amount of pressure on ourselves to make it happen.

The result?  Lots and lots of stress for the perfectionist and also for the people who have to live with them.

The Random House Dictionary defines perfectionism as "a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less."  Obvious, isn't it, how that becomes a recipe for disaster?  On the one hand, a perfectionistic attitude motivates us to always do our best.  It makes us very persistent, to a point.  Perfectionists make excellent students, driven athletes and aggressive salespeople.  Unfortunately, they are all miserable.  There is

no "good enough."  It's never good enough.  Everything becomes very black and white.  We are either the best at what we do or we are a complete failure.  Nothing else exists.

How do I know this?  Well, I hate to admit it but I have this tendency myself and I can tell you from personal experience that it leads to a lot of unhappiness.  Why unhappiness?  Wouldn't the drive and desire of a perfectionist practically guarantee them success?  No.  In fact, quite the opposite is true. 

The constant drive for more and better, the goal of perfection, is simply unattainable.  A perfectionist will be motivated to work hard and succeed at all costs, but they rarely do truly succeed.  Setting an unattainable goal means that no matter how hard you try, you will always fail.  In the perfectionist's mind, a high-six figure salary and national recognition and fame will be seen as failure if others in the field have a seven-figure salary and worldwide recognition.  Crazy?  Yes.  But it's how the brain of a perfectionist works and it leads to frustration, burn-out and bitterness. 

In my own life, I have planned and dreamed about many grand projects, but failed to follow them through to completion.  Why?  Because I've never felt that I knew enough about anything that I was trying to do.  It wasn't that I didn't have a great deal of knowledge.  It was simply that others had more training or more experience or more letters after their names.  Unless I knew more than everyone else, I never felt that I knew enough.  Can you see how that leads to failure.  That attitude dooms a person to failure before they even get to the start line.

Look around you.  Who do you see that has really made it in life?  Who do you know that has accomplished great things?  Chances are good that they are not perfectionists.  More likely, they are people who, whether they have superior skill, talent or knowledge or not, believe in themselves.  The people who are most successful and happiest in life are like the Little Red Engine that could - they just think they can.  My husband has always reminded me that I don't need an encyclopedic knowledge of a field to be competent and to do well in it.  I just have to know more about it than the average guy on the street.  I know he's right and I try, hard, to remind myself of that everyday.

Bur perfectionism runs deep.  It isn't easily erased.  It is true though, isn't it, that awareness of a problem is always the first step to solving it?  I recognize now how perfectionistic thoughts have hindered me my whole life and I'm determined to change that pattern.  Whenever I catch myself thinking those bleak and self-destructive thoughts, I do my best to put a stop to them and get real.  So this is my new goal: to keep my perfectionistic tendencies in check and to no longer allow them to derail my dreams.  And you know what?  I think I can.

Comments

[Joanne]

Great point. You would think the high standards of perfectionism would increase the chances of accomplishing great things but instead it seems to be more associated with inaction and stress.

[Lori@BetweenUsGirls]

Joanne,

Thanks for the comment. It's true. After a while, the ever-present expectation of perfection really does lead to paralysis instead of productivity. I've become very fond of the phrase "that's good enough." People who don't know me well might think that this means I'm lazy or sloppy, but for a perfectionist, "good enough" is therapeutic progress!

[Gayle Herbert Robinson]

Whew! This piece on the perfectionist has really hit home as I'm still up at 3:55 in the morning after finally launching my blog after two weeks of staying up until 5 a.m. to make it perfect and it still has boo-boos I call my trainig wheel lessons. It's funny you mention the little engine, that's exactly how I see my self. I'm working on stopping myself from striving for perfection because it doesn't exist. I want to be happy with just going for it and enjoying that process. I would like to invite you to stop by my newly launched blog at http://icafemidlifemoderne.blogspot.comwhere midlife women hang out at a 24-hour cafe in a (fictional) converted Art Moderne (midcentury) Home... from "sleepless in midlife" Francine, and "Chidless at 47" Nina Claire to Tightwad Tammy, a mature Barbie look-alike with an un-Barbie-like tongue. I would love to chat more (interview) about living the perfectionist life.
Thank you for opening my eyes and striking a chord.

Gayle

[Kelly]

OMG we are so much alike. I always have to know absolutely every last detail about something before I feel qualified to speak about it, do it, etc.

Also, it is comforting that I read somewhere that the root of the word of perfect is "good enough".

[Cate]

I sooo relate! I too have been crippled into inactivity by the need for the project to be perfect, and for me to have researched every possible angle prior to even starting project.
Great article!

[Abbey]

It's okay. You've got your perfectionism, while some of us have chronically aching backs that make us cranky if we don't take our tramadol on time. Haha. :)

Lots of luck with your issue, I hope I do well with mine.
Abbey
http://www.buyultram.ca

[LIndsey Agness]

How to stop being a Perfectionist?

Over the years, I have witnessed in my clients how the need to be ‘perfect’ or to take that perfect first step ends up holding them back. Tasks do not get done on time, or even at all. I used to be a perfectionist myself. I would spend a very long time over the smallest detail imaging that someone was looking for my mistakes. Writing has cured me of this to a certain extent because a manuscript is never totally perfect. Every time you look at it you can find more things to make a little bit better! Before I got into NLP, I used to be very critical of my performance as a motivational speaker and trainer, always focusing on what I had done wrong. Even when I did do something really well I would all too often dismiss it. I spent lots of my time beating myself up and very little if any time congratulating myself.

Where does the need for perfectionism come from? It comes from our schooling, parenting, working and ourselves of course. We are our own worst enemies creating unrealistic expectations for ourselves. If someone else can do something to a certain standard then so should we, even when we haven't had the same experiences, time or training as they have had. We actually set up in our mind that someone is going to judge us. We worry that they will find fault in us, and all our insecurities about ourselves will be revealed. Actually, does anyone really care that much? Sadly, perfectionists live in the future and in the past worrying about what might or didn't happen. They do not live in the present.

Being a Perfectionist holds us back from being Perfect. We can only become perfect by making mistakes. That’s a really exquisite double bind. In NLP we say that there is no failure only feedback. MISTAKES are brilliant as long as we learn from them. Making a mistake while trying to achieve excellence and appreciating the mistake for the learning you get from it is so massively rewarding.

Accepting that you are likely to make a mistake takes all the pressure off of trying to achieve something that can be impossible to achieve. Perfection is a journey and not a destination.

Hope that helps!! See www.agewithattitude.co.uk for details about my unique programme for mid-life women who believe in beginnings not endings. Come and change your perfection strategy forever!

LIndsey Agness, author of Change Your Life with NLP