Baby Talk

      We all want the best for our children.  We want them to have whatever it was that we didn't have.  We want them to be healthy and happy and smart.  At some point though, we seem to have crossed a line.  Our desires for our children have become obsessive and unreasonable.

     In a recent conversation, one mother I know said that she insists that her two girls are at least one year ahead in their studies at all time.  They do the schoolwork and homework that's required for their current grade and then she drills them on next year's material.  She questioned how parent's can say to their children "Well, as long as you did your best, that's all we can ask."  "Their best?" she said incredulously, "an A is their best...there is no other best."

     These children are in third grade.  Straight A's might not be so easy a feat as they get older and school gets harder.  What then?  Therapy, that's what.  I've seen grade school children who are stressed and anxious to the point of being nearly suicidal because of the pressure to live up to their parent's expectations.  What are we doing to our children?

     Encouraging a child to do well in school is a good thing.  Requiring that they excel in everything at all costs is quite another.  What happened to wanting our kids to be happy and to enjoy their lives?  Is there no place for this?  One thing is for sure...between school and homework and lessons, there is less and less time for fun or play.

    Free play can be a wonderful outlet for a child, a way for him to explore and learn about his world and to develop his imagination and creativity.  Not good enough you say?  What if I told you it can make him smarter and more successful too?  For more information on how it can do this see my prior post, The link Between Creative Play and Self-Control.

     Years ago, long before Baby Einstein tapes, educational toys and summer science camps, human-kind actually managed to produce some brilliant minds.  Edison wasn't playing with math facts flash cards at age three.  Ben Franklin wasn't watching Sesame Street.  They learned the old-fashioned way...by participating in life. 

     My theory as to why we have become so obsessed and fanatical in our efforts to raise intelligent, successful children?  There are two reasons.  First, our lives have become so complex and we worry about so many things that we can't control that we have gone over-board with what we think we can control - our children.  Second, we have perhaps become too smart for our own good.  We read parenting books and listen to the latest research findings.  We drink it all in and struggle to apply every new finding or theory lest we leave our children lacking and unable to compete in life.

     The latest example of this?  Research shows that the more children are spoken to when they are babies and toddlers, the better they will do in school later on.  Okay, that's really not such news.  I knew that eight years ago when my children were babies.  I talked to them a lot, figuring it would help them to develop their vocabulary.  I got a little bit of flak from some family members who thought I was nuts, telling my babies why I was separating the junk mail into garbage and recycling piles, but I did it anyway.  It helped pass the time and if my kids might benefit, so much the better.

     Recent studies have taken this theory further however.  According to a Good Morning America story this past week, babies need to hear at least 17,000 words a day for optimal speech and vocabulary development.  How can you know if you talking enough to your baby?  Well, some bright (and profit-hungry) minds have developed a little monitor that tracks how many words your baby hears each day.  The size of an iPod and twice the price, this device can be tucked into a pocket in Junior's jumper so that you can be absolutely sure you are fulfilling your talk-time responsibilities each day.

     "It makes graphs, then I can look at the graphs and it tells me how many words he heard throughout the day," one of the monitor's testers said.  Just what we need...a print out to show us whether or not we are being a good enough parent.

     Seriously, this is just the latest example of people putting too much stock into scientific research.  I'm not saying that the science isn't accurate or that research is a bad thing.  I'm quite sure that it's true: the more we talk to and stimulate our children, the more they will learn and the smarter they will be.  It's common sense really...do we need scientific studies to tell us this?  And can we not just take away the wisdom that we should talk to our babies more without making it all into some kind of computer-scored competition?

     Parents have enough to worry about without constantly wondering if they're saying some magic number of words to Junior everyday.  Calm down, please.  What Junior needs most is food, sleep, a clean diaper and lots and lots of love.  If he's getting that, you're doing a fine job as a parent and the world will be his oyster - whatever that means.  Now take your kid to the park and have some fun.

Comments

[Shilpan]

Lori -

I have two daughters. Both are in top 10 percentile in their class. My younger one is way ahead of her age. I think she is born with genius mind. My wife and I have never put any expectations in terms of what grade we expect. We instead try to motivate them to do what they love to do. Niki is great at tennis yet I never expect her to be a pro. If she does, I will be happy but I shall never force my thoughts on their growing life. Great post as usual.

Shilpan

[Lori]

Thanks Shilpan,

I have a couple of very bright kids myself. I encourage them to do well in school but I am more concerned with how much they are learning and their abiltiy to make use of their new knowledge than I am about what grade they receive. I agree with you, that we should encourage our kids to follow their strengths and their passions. If they do that, they will be successful naturally, without the struggle.

[Margaret]

Great post, Lori. The sad thing is, the thought of parents paying for expensive gadgets to measure their own success at child rearing sounds like something out of a Steve Martin comedy or mockumentary, but it's not. Are the parents doing it for the children's sake, or their own? Do the parents feel pressured to be over-acheiving parents? Constantly striving for the "magic bullet" for the perfect kid? Sheesh!

[Barbara Swafford]

Hi Lori,

All I can say is that I'm glad our kids are grown, and the grandkids are well on their way.

What I find unfortunate is the amount of media on what's the supposedly right or wrong way to raise children. Granted, some parents do need guidance, but how confused they must get when they read 10 different sources and get 10 different answers.

I agree with you, we need to lighten up and let the kids be kids.

[Lori]

Thanks Margaret and Barbara,

As a person who has worked as a therapist with children and families, I whole-heartedly agree that some parents need guidance. It's just that we have gotten to the point where we have everyone under a microscope and we choose to focus on tiny details ignoring the big picture - we can no longer see the forest for the trees.

I really believe that parents are feeling so insecure these days about finances, job security, violence, global warming etc that they feel they need to create some sort of super-kids. We're so focused on competition for limtied jobs, natural resources etc that we do everything we can to make our children "successful". In the process, we create a pressure-filled world that is all work and no play. Of what value is accomplishment and achievement if it can't be enjoyed?

[Debbie Yost]

We are one of "those" parents that just want our child to do their best. If that is a B, I don't care. I tried to make straight A's as a kid and finally realized I just wasn't going to make straight A's like my sisters. However, I have my talents and I do well at them. I know there are times when my children aren't trying their best and that is not acceptable. I went to school with a kid who was terrified to bring home a report card that had a B! How sad is that?

Having a child with special needs puts life into perspective very fast. Things that mattered once are no longer a priority. I think sometimes parents get too tied up in their own lives and don't give their children the attention they need, but most of us are doing ok, even if we aren't counting every word we say!

[JHS]

Hi:

Thanks for participating in this week’s Carnival of Family Life, hosted by Jen at Diary of 1. Be sure to drop by tomorrow, April 28, 2008, and check out some of the many wonderful articles submitted this week!

[Lori]

Debbie,

You're right, it is sad to see a child who is terrified to bring home a B. Too much pressure to succeed can lead to resentment and worse. As parents, we need to keep all things, including grades, in perspective.

Jen,

Thanks for including me in your carnival. Anyone who wants to read some other family-related articles should check out the carnival at www.jhseiss.com.