Communication Skills: How to Speak and be Heard

      Did you hear me?  I'm talking to you...are you listening?  How many times do I have to repeat myself?  I already told you.  Don't ask me a question if you're not going to listen to the answer.  I need you to...

     Honestly I get tired of hearing myself sometimes, but one thing that I know for sure is that everyone else stopped listening a long time ago.  At least that's how it seems.

      I have sometimes wondered aloud if my voice is in the same register as a dog whistle.  Maybe dogs everywhere are scurrying to clean their rooms, turn the t.v. off and organize the office.

     It isn't just children and spouses who can tune us out though.  Whether at work, at home, or out with friends, at times we all feel that we just aren't being heard.  But wait...before you go for the megaphone...there are other ways that we can make ourselves heard.

     Whether or not our message gets across depends not just on what we say, but on how we say it.  When we attempt to communicate with others we do so both verbally and non-verbally.  To ensure that people are listening, we need to pay attention to how we are using both of these channels.   Here are some helpful hints for making yourself heard loud and clear:

1. Plan Ahead - Know what you want to say before you say it.  Hesitation and stammering will cause your listener to doubt your competence.  So, take a minute and think about what you really want to communicate before you open your mouth.
2. Slow Down - Sometimes we feel the need to spit it all out quickly before people lose interest or get distracted or try to jump back into the conversation.  But talking too quickly can also cause your listener to doubt your competence.  Talking at lightning speed makes you appear nervous and unsure of yourself.
3. Speak Clearly and Concisely -  State your case or make your request in the shortest, simplest way possible.  When you ramble, or repeat yourself too much, people will tune out.
4. Power Up Your Voice - Soft or high voices are simply not taken as seriously.  This is why the kids sometimes respond to Daddy's commands more quickly than to Mommy's.  You don't want to scream to be heard but, although it seems weird, practicing a slightly deeper, more powerful voice can help.
5. Make Eye Contact - Sometimes people (especially children) will not give you their full attention if they are not making eye contact with you.  Your half of the eye contact says you are serious and this is important; the listener's eye contact assures you that they are ready to listen. 
6. Use Gestures - Head nodding, pointing to things, movements that show emotion...any gestures that reinforce the message you are trying to impart help the conversation along and improve the chances that your message will be received.
7. Use I-Statements - How you choose to say something can be of critical importance especially if you are talking to someone who tends to get defensive.  The I-Statement is good for communicating your feelings and a request for action to another person.  It reduces the chances that the other person will feel attacked and increases the chances that you will gain their cooperation.  The formula goes like this:

          I feel____________when you____________.  What I would like is ______________________.

          Seems awkward, but if you get into the habit of using this format, it will become more natural.   You will get far better results than if you start with "You always..."  "You never..."  "I can't believe that you..." which all sound like attacks.

     You can't make everyone listen to you, but the suggestions above will help make sure that you are heard more often than not.  The trickiest part of the techniques is remembering to use them.

    When you find yourself getting frustrated because your speaking and no one is listening, take a deep breath instead of yelling.  Use that time to remind yourself to make eye contact, to reformulate what you're saying into an I-Statement or to power up your voice.  Try it out and let me know how it works for you!

     For more great articles on relationships, health, fitness and more, visit the Carnival of Improving Life!

Comments

[Jennifer]

Good suggestions Lori.

One thing that comes to mind is to be sure you respect yourself. You will be heard a lot more if you first have that respect for yourself.

Another thing that someone suggested to me that I need to try more is to ask a question to get the person back on track. If their mind wonders, a question will force them to come back into the conversation by answering it. A long pause works well too.

I love your #7 suggestion. We call that the "you rule." Never use the word "you" unless you are giving someone a compliment or advice that they have ASKED for, and of course in an emergency. Using "I" forces you to take ownership for you thoughts and feelings, avoiding the thinking error of blaming. Using 3rd person is also effective because you can give advice or suggestions without saying "you need to..."

[Lori@betweenusgirls]

Jennifer,
Thanks so much for the additional ideas. I especially like the idea of asking the listener a question (or taking along pause) to keep him on his toes!
Good stuff.

[Shilpan]

Lori,

Often we include Ums and Ahs between sentences when we are not visualizing clearly the topic that we want to discuss. Having a clear vision of the subject can add much needed authority and confidence needed while speaking in public.

Great post !

[Willie]

a lot of the time, ums and ahs, are usually used when we think we are pausing too long, and trying to fill up the space. In reality, since our mind moves so quickly, what seems like a long time really isn't.

[Lori@betweenusgirls]

Shilpan and Willie,

Thanks for the added insight. You're both right. If we haven't thought out what we want to communicate, we'll hesitate while scrambling to put our thoughts together. Most of us panic a little when this results in dead air so we um or ah to fill the space.

While the small moment of silence may have gone unnoticed, the ums and ahs make us sound confused or nervous. Better to pause momentarily than to fill up the space with mumbling.

[Ananga]

Thank you for submitting your article to the Living by Design Blog Carnival, your post has been included in edition No.23.

with best wishes
Ananga
http://www.ananga.squarespace.com

[Mike King]

I like your step #7 best. So many people use 'you' when telling something they should really be saying I about. Even when telling a simple story or thought that doesn't include anyone else, people say 'you' all the time. This is an important one to learn NOT to do!

Great post in the mentioned carnival! Thanks.

[Lori@betweenusgirls]

Thanks Ananga!

Mike,

Thanks for your comments. I have to remind myself of #7 frequently...saying you and putting the focus automatically on the other person is an easy trap to fall into. Live and learn!