Between Us Girls

The Art of Diplomacy - What's in It for You?

We hear so much about the need for diplomacy these days in everything from international relations to bi-partisan relations, but the art of diplomacy isn't just for national leaders and members of Congress. Diplomacy, the employment of tact to find mutually acceptable solutions to a common challenge, can be employed by everyday people in everyday situations to the benefit of all.

Think of the many challenges we face: Your daughter, a freshman in high school, wants to date a senior. Your five-year-old son doesn't want to share his new Play-Doh set with his cousin who is in for a holiday visit. Your coworker speaks so loudly on phone calls that you can't focus and he's tired of your dirty looks. Your Aunt Rose doesn't speak to your Aunt Mary, but is the sister of Mary's husband, Bob who rarely gets to see Rose. How are you going to please everyone with the seating plan at your wedding reception?

Situations like these pop up all the time and they can really push our buttons if we let them. The result? Anger, arguments, hurt feelings, crying and worse. So how can the art of diplomacy make a difference and what's in it for us?

Well, diplomacy is a way of handling sticky situations that leads to consensus and compromise. In other words, it is a way of finding a solution that everyone can live with which, admittedly,  is often easier said than done. Happily though, diplomacy involves certain skills that, given some practice and patience,

5 Tips for Harnessing the Power of Your Words

No one would deny the power of words, but like all powerful tools, words can be used for good or evil. And sometimes, our failure to use our words carefully can hurt others and our relationships with them.

We've all had experiences with people who purposely use words as weapons, but we've also known those whose simple lack of ability to think before they speak unwittingly leads them to embarrass themselves or offend others.

I was reminded of this quality recently by the story of a friend of mine. A friend of a friend had recently become a non-friend because of her tendency to have whatever thoughts entered her mind immediately spill out of her mouth. I was sad to hear it, but not terribly surprised. When I first met the woman she had reminded me of an old, no-longer-friend of my own who was too quick to share her opinions and criticism. This old friend taught me some painful, but very valuable lessons. Thanks to my experiences with her, I had seen the writing on the wall early on with this new friend of a friend and had chosen to steer clear. Whew!

While we all make mistakes from time to time and occasionally say or do the wrong thing, some of us, like the woman in the example above, consistently make the tactical error of not thinking before we speak.

How to Deal With Difficult People: The "Fault-Finder"

                                                                      Out of all of the difficult people that we encounter, the "Fault-Finder" can be one of the most frustrating.  This is the chronic complainer, the blamer, the negative thinker who can shoot down any idea or option with a single bullet.

     I am well-acquainted with the "Fault-Finder" because I have been accused of being one myself (an accusation with which I beg to differ, of course).  True, like the "Fault-Finder" I have a tendency to see why something can't happen or won't work more readily than to see why it might...but for a born-pessimist like myself it takes significant effort to change thought patterns like these.  I'm finding it to be worth the effort though.  Why?  Well, I'm becoming a happier person, not to mention a far less annoying one.  (For more on pessimism, optimism and happiness read The Pursuit of Happiness)

     So, now we know that a pessimistic attitude may be behind fault-finding behavior.  But what might this behavior look like?  How do we recognize him among our friends, family or even within ourselves?   (Read more....)

How Do You Deal With Difficult People?: The "Know-It-All"

     Of all of the types of difficult people that are out there, the "Know-It-All" is perhaps my least favorite.  Like the "Dictator" and the "Back-Stabber", they are motivated by power and personal gain; they just go about getting what they want in a different way.

     How do you recognize a "Know-It-All?"  They are the people who present what is really only their opinion as though it is a statement of fact.  They often speak with a condescending tone and may come across as professorial or down-right arrogant.  "Know-It-Alls" tend to ignore, minimize or contradict the opinions of others.  They may patiently wait until you stop talking, ignore everything you've said and just go on presenting their own theory.  Sometimes their body language can also be dismissive.  A wave of the hand or a shaking of the head and a puzzled look on their faces all let you know that, as far as they are concerned, your statements are uninformed and unimportant and you clearly need to stop talking and listen while they clear things up for you.

     Conversations with a "Know-It-All" can be tiresome, annoying and even insulting.  But going toe-to-toe with them and trying to prove that your expertise is superior to theirs is a mistake.  It is simply a no-win situation because the "Know-It-All" isn't likely to listen to your arguments no matter how well-reasoned and sound.  The "Know-It-All" isn't about listening, he or she is more interested in lecturing. 

     Shutting down or caving is isn't the best answer either.  Reacting this way just assures the "Know-It-All" that he is right, he does know better than you and he will persist in trying to "educate" you.  The best approach is to firmly but calmly stand your ground.  Speak with confidence as to facts that you are sure of and when the "Know-It-All" makes a point that you can agree with, do so.  Offer a "You're right" or an "I agree with you that..." when you can.  It allows the "Know-It-All" to feel respected and tends to pacify them a bit so they may stop trying so hard to prove their point. 

     It really is an exercise in futility to argue with a "Know-It-All."  Unless you enjoy having your intelligence insulted or being spoken to in a condescending way, you simply need to extricate yourself as quickly as possible from the conversation.  In essence, your goal should be to firmly but respectfully state your position, while acknowledging or agreeing with them on any point where you are able, in an effort to change or end the conversation as soon as possible.

     Do you have a "Know-It-All" in your life?  Post a comment and let us know how you deal with the "Know-It-All" in your life.