Between Us Girls

Taking Action to Reduce Stress

We're all familiar with stress. We know the symptoms; headaches, stomach upset, sleepless nights, irritability. And we know the causes; marital problems, job issues, parenting challenges . . . oh, and I almost forgot . . . a crashing stock market, a failing economy and a rapidly disappearing faith in a financially secure future.

So what do we do about it? There are lots of stress remedies out there and I've tried them all. Well, most of them anyway. Exercise, positive thinking, yoga, meditation . . . you name it, I've done it. While I've gotten some benefit from each, I think that I may have finally hit upon the most powerful of all. Action.

The Art of Diplomacy - What's in It for You?

We hear so much about the need for diplomacy these days in everything from international relations to bi-partisan relations, but the art of diplomacy isn't just for national leaders and members of Congress. Diplomacy, the employment of tact to find mutually acceptable solutions to a common challenge, can be employed by everyday people in everyday situations to the benefit of all.

Think of the many challenges we face: Your daughter, a freshman in high school, wants to date a senior. Your five-year-old son doesn't want to share his new Play-Doh set with his cousin who is in for a holiday visit. Your coworker speaks so loudly on phone calls that you can't focus and he's tired of your dirty looks. Your Aunt Rose doesn't speak to your Aunt Mary, but is the sister of Mary's husband, Bob who rarely gets to see Rose. How are you going to please everyone with the seating plan at your wedding reception?

Situations like these pop up all the time and they can really push our buttons if we let them. The result? Anger, arguments, hurt feelings, crying and worse. So how can the art of diplomacy make a difference and what's in it for us?

Well, diplomacy is a way of handling sticky situations that leads to consensus and compromise. In other words, it is a way of finding a solution that everyone can live with which, admittedly,  is often easier said than done. Happily though, diplomacy involves certain skills that, given some practice and patience,

The Top Twelve Scientifically-Proven Happiness Strategies

We are all searching for happiness these days and advice on how to find it abounds. But how do we know what really works and, more importantly, how do we know what is going to work for us?

Luckily, the scientific community has been working hard on these questions and they are beginning to come up with some answers. First, scientists have confirmed what we all know by now to be true and that is that money doesn't but happiness and neither does that new car, the vacation at the beach, the big wedding, the job promotion or the face-lift – not lasting happiness anyway. On the other hand, scientists have also found at least twelve strategies that do, in fact, lead to sustainable increases in happiness. The trick is first, to know what they are and how to employ them and, second, to know which ones will work best for you.

First, lets take a look at the top 12 scientifically-proven happiness strategies. Here they are:

Equanimity as a Weakness? - I Think Not

During a recent television interview, Barack Obama was asked if he thought that the unusual bit of fiery passion he showed and the few hard hitting remarks he made in his acceptance speech were enough to quell the criticism that he isn't passionate or tough enough to be president. Apparently, many people seem to find his emotional control and his ability to greet questions, criticisms or alternative ideas with a thoughtful response rather than an impulsive reaction off-putting.

Just as advertisers know how to word deceptive claims in a way that makes them more believable and job candidates can cleverly frame their weaknesses as strengths, political opposition and the media can

5 Tips for Harnessing the Power of Your Words

No one would deny the power of words, but like all powerful tools, words can be used for good or evil. And sometimes, our failure to use our words carefully can hurt others and our relationships with them.

We've all had experiences with people who purposely use words as weapons, but we've also known those whose simple lack of ability to think before they speak unwittingly leads them to embarrass themselves or offend others.

I was reminded of this quality recently by the story of a friend of mine. A friend of a friend had recently become a non-friend because of her tendency to have whatever thoughts entered her mind immediately spill out of her mouth. I was sad to hear it, but not terribly surprised. When I first met the woman she had reminded me of an old, no-longer-friend of my own who was too quick to share her opinions and criticism. This old friend taught me some painful, but very valuable lessons. Thanks to my experiences with her, I had seen the writing on the wall early on with this new friend of a friend and had chosen to steer clear. Whew!

While we all make mistakes from time to time and occasionally say or do the wrong thing, some of us, like the woman in the example above, consistently make the tactical error of not thinking before we speak.

Where to Find Health Information for Women

     To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  This is to have succeeded!  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

     I keep this quote in my mind when I feel unproductive, unsuccessful or lacking in purpose.  The last bit, "to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.", is, to me, the most meaningful.  My original intention when I decided to set up this blog was to create a way of sharing information that we, as

Passage Meditation: How it Can Help You to Translate Your Spiritual Ideals into Your Everyday Life

Although meditation is much-talked-about, it is easier said than done for most of us. It can seem too foreign, too complicated, or too strange, but somehow the promised benefits keep drawing us back in to take a look again and again and to wonder:

Can I learn to do this? Will meditation really help me to think more clearly, get in touch with my true self, realize that I am more than my body, more than my mind, part of a greater whole? Can I learn to train my mind, to become more focused, to learn to think and act rather than to simply react? Will I ever be able to sit still long enough to even try?

I believe that we all have what it takes to do this, but we may need a little help. There are many, many different ways to meditate and we need to find the way that is right for us. I've been searching for the right way for myself for a while now and I think that I may have found it. So of course, I 'd like to share it with

4 Steps to Finding and Following Your Passion

There is so much talk about discovering your passion, following your bliss and living a life that you love. Hearing messages like these over and over, we can't help but to take a look at our own lives and to perhaps find them lacking. We wonder how we can live a life of purpose and meaning, how we can follow our bliss. Then we begin to wonder. What is my bliss? Do I have a passion? Did I ever?

How to Find Happiness the Easy Way

Finding happiness is all the rage these days, but why does it have to be so darn difficult?  Are we that out of touch with what makes us happy or have our expectations just become too high?

Those of you who have ready my prior post on the Power of Positive Emotions know that experiencing positive emotions can undo a lot of the damage caused by negative emotions.  Common sense tells you that the more often we experience these positive emotions the happier we will be.  Considering this, I've decided that happiness doesn't have to be so difficult.  I've proposed a simpler way to conceive of happiness and some easy steps that we can take in our pursuit of it.

Check out my guest post "How to Find Happiness the Easy Way" over at the Positivity Blog and let me know what you think. Your comments, anecdotes and suggestions are always welcome!

How to Stop Procrastinating and Start Doing

Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? Well, because it's easier, you have more interesting things to do and, perhaps, you never really wanted to do those things in the first place.

Procrastinating isn't just about waiting until the last minute to get something done. It can also show up as the tendency to avoid confrontation, a reluctance to take risks or try new things, the ability to make big plans but to never follow through, the tendency to get sick or tired when faced with unpleasant tasks or the choice to blame others for your unhappiness instead of taking action.

Some of us have a bigger problem with procrastination than others, but we are all guilty of it now and again. What about you? Have you ever waited until the eleventh hour to pull together a term paper or a report for the boss? Can you always find a reason why that talk about boundary issues with your mother-in-law can wait? Do you spend hours or months researching the best brand of toothpaste or minivan? Do you keep talking about that new business you're going to start or that book you're going to write...someday? Whoops, that

How to Keep Your Cool When the Heat is On

Whether you're a chronic worrier or steady as a rock, chances are that you have experienced anxiety at one time or another. I'm not talking about panic attacks or anxiety disorders, just the run-of-the-mill anxiety we experience when we are about to face someone or something that sets those butterflies a-fluttering.

Think blind date, job interview, marriage proposal, confronting your nosy neighbor...any situation that might make you tense and fearful. You're worried about the impression you'll make, you fear you might embarrass yourself, you're afraid that you'll come across as unprepared or that you will get a negative reaction.

The anticipation of potentially stressful events can be worse than the event itself. So when the heat is on, how do you keep your cool? Next time you are worried about an upcoming event, try some of these ideas and see how they work:

Do Your Homework

Preparation is key. If you are worried that things will go wrong or that you won't be ready for whatever is thrown at you, take a hint from the scouts and be prepared. Gather whatever information or tools that you think you might need and have them at the ready.

7 Tips for Keeping Things in Perspective

We are all too familiar with stress and what it can do to our health and well-being. Each and every day new problems crop up that create the opportunity for worry and anxiety to stop us in our tracks. But every problem that we encounter doesn't carry the same weight. Difficulties, like people, come in all shapes and sizes and keeping our perspective is important if we want to avoid being sent into a tail-spin numerous times a day.

So how do we do this? How do we keep things in perspective so that we aren't overcome with anxiety every time an obstacle shows up in our lives.

There are many ways to maintain perspective – to see our problems for what they really are and to not let them balloon to larger-than-life proportions. It all comes down to stopping, breathing, and taking the time to ask ourselves some important questions:

Therapy, Therapists and Techniques: How to Find What Works for You

The world of psychotherapy is a very broad and varied one. There is a dizzying array of theories, techniques and approaches to therapy from which to choose and weeding through them to find the therapy style that is right for you can be almost as stressful as the problem that drove you to therapy in the first place!

From psychoanalytic theory to cognitive-behavioral theory, from “Gestalt Therapy” to “Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy,” from relaxation techniques to role playing exercises, the options are endless. So where do you start? Is there some easy answer...some secret formula?

Of course not. I wish I could give you a simple formula...some easy mathematical equation that would lead you to “the answer” but I can't. Finding what works for you is simply, or not so simply, a process of trial and error.

But let me tell you something that might help. Before I decided to stay home with children (and climb the walls on a daily basis), I did a little bit of counseling myself. What I mean to say is I counseled other people...but then again, I have counseled myself quite a bit as well. Never mind...the point is I have some training and experience in this area and I'm going to let you in on a secret. Counselors and therapists can sometimes have a hard time sorting through the piles of psychotherapeutic techniques as well.

Finding the Meaning of Life

We all have our moments...times when we just don't like the way life is going, when we feel that nothing is working, when everything seems so overwhelming. We feel like we're swimming upstream and we wonder why we are even bothering. What's the use? Why does life have to be so hard?

Sometimes life is hard. But it's also true that no matter how difficult it gets, there is always a way to go on. Always. No matter what. Whatever your circumstances, you can find something to live for. But when we are in the midst of a bad time, we can easily lose sight of that fact, can't we? Times like these call for drastic measures. Times like these call for a story. Let me tell you one

How You Can Fight Materialism and Win

This post is the third in a series on the dangers of materialism.

An unchecked focus on materialistic values can cause so much harm to us personally, to our relationships with others and to the ecosphere as a whole. In“The Scourge of Materialism” we learned that materialistic people are generally less happy and more likely to act in socially and environmentally damaging ways. In “The Costs of Materialism” we took a more in-depth look at the personal, social and ecological costs of materialism.

The result? We know that materialistic values are not congruent with a psychologically, socially and ecologically healthy way of life. But what, if anything, can we do about it? Living in a society that is built on the drive toward material gain, how can we manage to live a life based on more pro-social values? Is it even possible? 

The Cost of Materialism

This is the second post in a three part series on the dangers of materialism. For an introduction to the subject, please read “The Scourge of Materialism.”

Our society has centered itself around materialistic pursuits. We place a high value on financial success, social status and the many symbols that represent both. Quite often, we push the people and activities that we love onto the back burner as we pursue the better job, the bigger house, the shinier car.

But these symbols of success have a price and we're not just talking about money. The costs of materialism are far broader than that. Their impact extends well beyond our bank accounts to our personal

The Scourge of Materialism

It seems that there is a plague in our midst. It threatens to steal away our health, our happiness and perhaps our future. Celebrity carriers like Paris Hilton and Donald Trump may be it's poster-children but they have a lot of not-so-famous company. Look around...it's likely that many around you have already been infected. In fact, chances are good that it's gotten most of your loved ones and quite possibly.......you.

Materialism, consumerism, commercialism...call it what you will. It permeates our culture. Buying, spending, accumulating...these are the building blocks of our society. Our values reflect it and our government encourages it. Feeling good about ourselves comes not from what we do, but what we have. Social status is based on wealth and possessions. Legislation is designed, not to protect the common good but, to protect corporate profits and shareholder interests and to preserve the link between money and power.

Research (not to mention common logic) has demonstrated that the more people value materialistic goals, the less happy they are and the more likely they are to act in socially and ecologically damaging ways. It is becoming more and more clear that when we choose to define success in materialistic terms, we pay a very high price. Here in the United States, we are reaping what our capitalistic society has sown and most of us are disappointed with the harvest.

Huge fuel costs (despite record fuel industry

How Spirituality Can Help You Reach Your Goals

     Some of us are naturally spiritual people and some are not.  Some of us equate spirituality with religion and some do not.  Whether we attend church, chant and meditate, participate in drum circles or eschew all things spiritual or religious in nature, one thing that we do share is the tendency to build our lives around our goals.  We can also agree that achieving the goals we set for ourselves isn't always easy.

     I have written elsewhere about the importance of choosing our goals wisely.  Goals that are congruent with our values are much more meaningful and more likely to be attained.  But psychological research shows that having goals that are not just meaningful, but spiritually meaningful, boosts our power to achieve.

"Psychological studies have recently begun focusing on better defining and studying spirituality, as opposed to a cloudy mix of religion and spirituality, and the results are quite interesting. It turns out that a sense of spirituality can be good for you, especially when it comes to achieving your goals."

     Having spiritually meaningful goals doesn't mean that you need to become religious or set goals like "ending hunger" or "saving the whales."  But contemplating your place in the world and the meaning of your life may help guide you in determining the goals that are most meaningful to you.  To find out more, read my guest post "How Spirituality Can Help You Reach Your Goals" at www.effortlessabundance.com.

    

The Strength to be Yourself

     Once in a while I get in a funk...don't we all? I fall into the trap of comparing myself with others, regretting past mistakes, wishing I had done things differently or that I was more like someone else I imagine to be far better off. For a day or two, I can't seem to muster the energy to take all of my own advice on positive thinking, gratitude, living in the here and now, blah, blah, blah.

     Hey, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Yes, I know better and yet sometimes, even knowing better isn't enough to keep my spirits up when things aren't going my way. So, I allow myself a day or two of moping and then I get on with my life. I get back on the positive psychology wagon. I focus on the moment, try to meditate, exercise (of course), engage in activities that foster more positive emotions (like reading or walking outside or a little gardening) and the world seems bright once again.

     It's good that I go through this really. It keeps me humble and serves as a reminder that there is a lot of unhappiness in the world and that we are all susceptible. Experiencing it myself now and again helps me to be more compassionate towards others who are feeling low and maybe don't have the knowledge or the skills to pull themselves out of it like I do. I believe that we all need to do what we can in this crazy world to try to stay positive, to improve our lives and to be happy. I also believe that we owe it to our friends, our families and our neighbors to reach out and grab their hands and lift them up as well.

Mindfulness Meditation and Stress Reduction

 

     Stress is a given in our lives. Difficult people, time pressures, repetitive and routine tasks, financial concerns, and a lack of self-confidence are some of the most common stressors we face. But it is not the stressors themselves that cause the problem. It is the way we handle, or fail to handle them, that causes us grief.

     Meditation has long been known to assist people in dealing effectively with the stresses in their lives. It is a simple and proven method, yet few of us take advantage of it. Why? Perhaps because we see it as being much more difficult than it really is. We view it as something foreign, something that is one small part of a very complex religious or philosophical system that we may have no interest in or little time to pursue. Or, we just think it is too hard.

The Power of Positive Emotions

     We all know that positive emotions are desirable.  Who wouldn't rather feel loving than hateful, joyful than fearful, or happy than disappointed?  It doesn't take a brain surgeon to tell you that positive emotions make each moment that we are experiencing them a pleasure.  But the truth is that positive emotions are far more powerful than that.  Thanks to the work of Barbara L. Fredrickson, we now know that positive emotions can bring, not just momentary pleasure, but long-lasting benefits as well.

    Fredrickson's Broaden and Build Theory of positive emotions shows that positive emotions produce optimal functioning, not just in the present moment, but over the long-term.  Her contribution to the field of Positive Psychology has been significant, but her work can benefit each of us individually as well. 

Doing Less and Getting More Done - Taoist Secrets

     Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know that I like to read and that my reading tends to lean toward the psychological, ecological and the spiritual.  When I find reading materials that address all three, I'm truly happy.

     For those of you who share my interests, you might want to check out my latest read "Ecotherapy" by Howard Clinebell.  It's an interesting book on the theory of ecopsychology and suggestions for the practical application of that theory in the therapeutic or educational setting.  You can find a link to that book and many others in the same vein in my Amazon Bookstore.

     Now getting back to the topic at-hand, like so many people these days, I struggle to stay calm, focus on the positive and find (and maintain) some sense of happiness and contentment.  In our stress-filled world, this is no easy feat but find that reading and thinking about things like ecopsychology and various forms of spirituality helps to sustain me and keep me on track.  As much as my approach to spirituality may be non-theistic and non-traditional, it is perhaps a more important part of my life than I sometimes realize and I believe this is true for most of us.

     Whether or not we consider ourselves religious or non-religious, I think that we are all in some respects spiritual.  As I discussed in a prior post, The Meaning of Spirituality, spirituality is about feeling that we are each one part of a larger whole.  The whole may be defined differently for each of us - Christianity, Islam, the human race, all living things, the universe etc.  Or, for many of us, the whole may be indefinable.  As human beings, it seems to be in our nature to wonder about our place in the universe and our role or purpose.  We need to have meaning in our lives and this is what I am talking about when I talk about spirituality.

     As I read, I seem to find that Eastern Philosophies have the most to offer when it comes to practical spitituality.  In Taoism in particular, I have found a great deal of practical wisdom, some of which I have already shared with you in my post  Come On Get Happy.

     I've also written a guest post for the PositivityBlog about Taoist Secrets to Doing Less and Getting More Done.  Those of you who like my prior post on Taoism or who simply like practical spirituality might find my guest post helpful as well.  Check it out and let me know what you think.  And, if you have any spiritual reading suggestions, please share them.

    

Focus and Life Goals

      Like my middle-aged vision, I find that my life lacks focus.  It's nothing new.  I've been this way my whole life.  I flit from idea to idea, from project to project, from career to career in much the same way I once went from boyfriend to boyfriend.  It's the way I operate.

     The only problem with this approach to life is that it's hard to get anywhere in life.  Great achievements are not made by people who are jacks-of-all-trades and masters-of-none.  We may be interesting people with colorful backgrounds, but we

Death and Ritual

     I  have never liked the rituals that accompany death...the "viewings" especially.  They always struck me as creepy and morbid.  The deceased never looked quite like themselves and I couldn't imagine why people would want to remember their loved ones that way.  Even worse, there are those (including my own mother)who want photos of the person in the coffin.  Yikes!

     Growing up in a family that doesn't exactly have a reputation for longevity, I attended many funerals as a child.  And to this day, as much as I love flowers, walking into a flower shop gives me goosebumps.  To me, the smell of a generic mix of flowers is the smell of a funeral home.  While I'm not happy with this long-term effect of my childhood funeral experiences, I am glad in an overall sense that I was allowed to attend those funerals as a child.  I've met many people who never attended a funeral until adulthood and it was usually the funeral of someone very important in their lives - a parent or a sibling.  That's not the time you want to feel unprepared and creeped out.

     While I had the benefit(?) of early exposure that helped me to know what to expect and become somewhat immune to the creepiness factor, I still don't care for the funeral process.  Bu now, as a more experienced adult, I am able to better understand the need for these rituals that we put ourselves through.  In fact today, I was reminded of my early experiences with death and of the need we have for these parting rituals. Today I was reminded that no matter how much we try to protect our children, we simply can't

Lowered Expectations - The Key to Happiness?

    I admit it...I'm a naturally pessimistic person.  I work hard every day trying to develop and maintain a more optimistic outlook and to focus on what is right and good with my life instead of what's wrong with it, but, truth be told, my natural inclination is to hold a slightly negative view.  Oh I've had some success in these efforts...I'm a bit more content overall and I can go for hours or sometimes days without falling into  my old crotchety ways, but it is an effort.  Happiness can be elusive for those of us who were born to whine.  (If this sounds like you, read my prior post "The Pursuit of Happiness" for some suggestions)

    When people point out my tendency toward the glass-half-empty perspective, as people seem compelled to do, I counter that I'm not being negative, I'm being "realistic."  That's what my Dad always said when I was criticizing his tendency toward pessimism.  What can I say...I am my father's daughter and, honestly, I think that response has some merit.  Pessimists are known to be more realistic, albeit less happy, people.  I've also been known to say "Hey, if I expect that everything will go perfectly, I'm likely to be disappointed whereas, if I expect everything to go wrong