Between Us Girls

How to Find Happiness the Easy Way

Finding happiness is all the rage these days, but why does it have to be so darn difficult?  Are we that out of touch with what makes us happy or have our expectations just become too high?

Those of you who have ready my prior post on the Power of Positive Emotions know that experiencing positive emotions can undo a lot of the damage caused by negative emotions.  Common sense tells you that the more often we experience these positive emotions the happier we will be.  Considering this, I've decided that happiness doesn't have to be so difficult.  I've proposed a simpler way to conceive of happiness and some easy steps that we can take in our pursuit of it.

Check out my guest post "How to Find Happiness the Easy Way" over at the Positivity Blog and let me know what you think. Your comments, anecdotes and suggestions are always welcome!

7 Tips for Keeping Things in Perspective

We are all too familiar with stress and what it can do to our health and well-being. Each and every day new problems crop up that create the opportunity for worry and anxiety to stop us in our tracks. But every problem that we encounter doesn't carry the same weight. Difficulties, like people, come in all shapes and sizes and keeping our perspective is important if we want to avoid being sent into a tail-spin numerous times a day.

So how do we do this? How do we keep things in perspective so that we aren't overcome with anxiety every time an obstacle shows up in our lives.

There are many ways to maintain perspective – to see our problems for what they really are and to not let them balloon to larger-than-life proportions. It all comes down to stopping, breathing, and taking the time to ask ourselves some important questions:

How You Can Fight Materialism and Win

This post is the third in a series on the dangers of materialism.

An unchecked focus on materialistic values can cause so much harm to us personally, to our relationships with others and to the ecosphere as a whole. In“The Scourge of Materialism” we learned that materialistic people are generally less happy and more likely to act in socially and environmentally damaging ways. In “The Costs of Materialism” we took a more in-depth look at the personal, social and ecological costs of materialism.

The result? We know that materialistic values are not congruent with a psychologically, socially and ecologically healthy way of life. But what, if anything, can we do about it? Living in a society that is built on the drive toward material gain, how can we manage to live a life based on more pro-social values? Is it even possible? 

The Cost of Materialism

This is the second post in a three part series on the dangers of materialism. For an introduction to the subject, please read “The Scourge of Materialism.”

Our society has centered itself around materialistic pursuits. We place a high value on financial success, social status and the many symbols that represent both. Quite often, we push the people and activities that we love onto the back burner as we pursue the better job, the bigger house, the shinier car.

But these symbols of success have a price and we're not just talking about money. The costs of materialism are far broader than that. Their impact extends well beyond our bank accounts to our personal

The Scourge of Materialism

It seems that there is a plague in our midst. It threatens to steal away our health, our happiness and perhaps our future. Celebrity carriers like Paris Hilton and Donald Trump may be it's poster-children but they have a lot of not-so-famous company. Look around...it's likely that many around you have already been infected. In fact, chances are good that it's gotten most of your loved ones and quite possibly.......you.

Materialism, consumerism, commercialism...call it what you will. It permeates our culture. Buying, spending, accumulating...these are the building blocks of our society. Our values reflect it and our government encourages it. Feeling good about ourselves comes not from what we do, but what we have. Social status is based on wealth and possessions. Legislation is designed, not to protect the common good but, to protect corporate profits and shareholder interests and to preserve the link between money and power.

Research (not to mention common logic) has demonstrated that the more people value materialistic goals, the less happy they are and the more likely they are to act in socially and ecologically damaging ways. It is becoming more and more clear that when we choose to define success in materialistic terms, we pay a very high price. Here in the United States, we are reaping what our capitalistic society has sown and most of us are disappointed with the harvest.

Huge fuel costs (despite record fuel industry

The Strength to be Yourself

     Once in a while I get in a funk...don't we all? I fall into the trap of comparing myself with others, regretting past mistakes, wishing I had done things differently or that I was more like someone else I imagine to be far better off. For a day or two, I can't seem to muster the energy to take all of my own advice on positive thinking, gratitude, living in the here and now, blah, blah, blah.

     Hey, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Yes, I know better and yet sometimes, even knowing better isn't enough to keep my spirits up when things aren't going my way. So, I allow myself a day or two of moping and then I get on with my life. I get back on the positive psychology wagon. I focus on the moment, try to meditate, exercise (of course), engage in activities that foster more positive emotions (like reading or walking outside or a little gardening) and the world seems bright once again.

     It's good that I go through this really. It keeps me humble and serves as a reminder that there is a lot of unhappiness in the world and that we are all susceptible. Experiencing it myself now and again helps me to be more compassionate towards others who are feeling low and maybe don't have the knowledge or the skills to pull themselves out of it like I do. I believe that we all need to do what we can in this crazy world to try to stay positive, to improve our lives and to be happy. I also believe that we owe it to our friends, our families and our neighbors to reach out and grab their hands and lift them up as well.

The Power of Positive Emotions

     We all know that positive emotions are desirable.  Who wouldn't rather feel loving than hateful, joyful than fearful, or happy than disappointed?  It doesn't take a brain surgeon to tell you that positive emotions make each moment that we are experiencing them a pleasure.  But the truth is that positive emotions are far more powerful than that.  Thanks to the work of Barbara L. Fredrickson, we now know that positive emotions can bring, not just momentary pleasure, but long-lasting benefits as well.

    Fredrickson's Broaden and Build Theory of positive emotions shows that positive emotions produce optimal functioning, not just in the present moment, but over the long-term.  Her contribution to the field of Positive Psychology has been significant, but her work can benefit each of us individually as well. 

Doing Less and Getting More Done - Taoist Secrets

     Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know that I like to read and that my reading tends to lean toward the psychological, ecological and the spiritual.  When I find reading materials that address all three, I'm truly happy.

     For those of you who share my interests, you might want to check out my latest read "Ecotherapy" by Howard Clinebell.  It's an interesting book on the theory of ecopsychology and suggestions for the practical application of that theory in the therapeutic or educational setting.  You can find a link to that book and many others in the same vein in my Amazon Bookstore.

     Now getting back to the topic at-hand, like so many people these days, I struggle to stay calm, focus on the positive and find (and maintain) some sense of happiness and contentment.  In our stress-filled world, this is no easy feat but find that reading and thinking about things like ecopsychology and various forms of spirituality helps to sustain me and keep me on track.  As much as my approach to spirituality may be non-theistic and non-traditional, it is perhaps a more important part of my life than I sometimes realize and I believe this is true for most of us.

     Whether or not we consider ourselves religious or non-religious, I think that we are all in some respects spiritual.  As I discussed in a prior post, The Meaning of Spirituality, spirituality is about feeling that we are each one part of a larger whole.  The whole may be defined differently for each of us - Christianity, Islam, the human race, all living things, the universe etc.  Or, for many of us, the whole may be indefinable.  As human beings, it seems to be in our nature to wonder about our place in the universe and our role or purpose.  We need to have meaning in our lives and this is what I am talking about when I talk about spirituality.

     As I read, I seem to find that Eastern Philosophies have the most to offer when it comes to practical spitituality.  In Taoism in particular, I have found a great deal of practical wisdom, some of which I have already shared with you in my post  Come On Get Happy.

     I've also written a guest post for the PositivityBlog about Taoist Secrets to Doing Less and Getting More Done.  Those of you who like my prior post on Taoism or who simply like practical spirituality might find my guest post helpful as well.  Check it out and let me know what you think.  And, if you have any spiritual reading suggestions, please share them.

    

Lowered Expectations - The Key to Happiness?

    I admit it...I'm a naturally pessimistic person.  I work hard every day trying to develop and maintain a more optimistic outlook and to focus on what is right and good with my life instead of what's wrong with it, but, truth be told, my natural inclination is to hold a slightly negative view.  Oh I've had some success in these efforts...I'm a bit more content overall and I can go for hours or sometimes days without falling into  my old crotchety ways, but it is an effort.  Happiness can be elusive for those of us who were born to whine.  (If this sounds like you, read my prior post "The Pursuit of Happiness" for some suggestions)

    When people point out my tendency toward the glass-half-empty perspective, as people seem compelled to do, I counter that I'm not being negative, I'm being "realistic."  That's what my Dad always said when I was criticizing his tendency toward pessimism.  What can I say...I am my father's daughter and, honestly, I think that response has some merit.  Pessimists are known to be more realistic, albeit less happy, people.  I've also been known to say "Hey, if I expect that everything will go perfectly, I'm likely to be disappointed whereas, if I expect everything to go wrong, and then it doesn't, I'll be pleasantly surprised!"  Makes total (Read more...)

The Wisdom of Illness

      Everything that happens to us in life has value.  Each experience, good or bad, offers us a learning opportunity. 

     Sometimes, when something wonderful happens, we learn that life is fun or that hard work really does pay off.  But when something bad happens?  Well, the lesson might not be so readily apparent but it's there...that pearl of wisdom exists.

     Take the stomach virus I just recently survived for example.  Please...take it...no, no really...I'm done with it...it's all yours.  Seriously though, take my recent bout with this virus as an example.

    On the surface, there seems to be nothing good that can come of so much pain and unpleasantness.  But delve a little deeper and you find that this type of illness - the drop whatever you're doing...you're coming with me...you will do nothing but what I say for the next day or two type of illness - has a very important lesson to convey.

     Being totally debilitated gives one time to think.  In between bathroom runs and prayers for death, I found myself becoming quite philosophical.  I realized, (Read more...)

Navigating Your Mid-Life Crisis

     To many of us mid-life sounds like a dirty word - well, a dirty hyphenated word to be accurate.  You can't even think "mid-life" without the word crisis following it, can you?  It's kind of automatic that these words flow together in our brains.  But think of a mid-life crisis and what picture comes to mind?  A speeding red convertible...one hand on the wheel, the other holding down the comb-over...salacious wink at the red light?

   I think most of us see a similar image in our minds eye.  But men aren't the only ones suffering from this mid-life manifestation.  Women also begin to question themselves mid-stream.  We wonder how we got where we are and why we're not quite happy here.  We have our doubts and regrets and a desire to get more out of life before it's over; we just don't wave a giant banner over our heads like some people.  Nothing says crisis like a fake tan and a new toupee.

     So what is it like for women?  In some ways, I believe it can be a rougher road than it is for men.  Men are brought up to go for what they want in this life.  Yes, they often take on the duties of husband and father and sacrifice some of their needs to these obligations, but it is different for women from the start.

    Women tend to value relationships highly, and in our culture, grow up learning to put others needs ahead of their own long before the husband and children come along.  While no one story fits all, many women lose themselves somewhere in girlhood.  We live a life full of shoulds and oughts and let ourselves be molded and driven by the needs and desires of others.  The result?  An adult life characterized by a weak sense of self and dedication to satisfying needs that are often not our own. 

     When a woman has a mid-life crisis she may recognize what she doesn't like about her current situation, but when asked what she does want out of life, she may have a hell of a time coming up with an answer.  It has often been so long since she even thought about what she wanted from life, that she no longer knows. 

      For men, mid-life crisis may mean wishing for the independence and care-free bachelor lifestyle they once enjoyed.  For women though, it may be wishing for a life they have never known.  A red convertible or a fling with the secretary won't suffice; there are no quick fixes here. (See my prior post on Racing Towards Mid-Life).  Women need to first rediscover who they are and what they want before they ever try to go and get it. 

     Not everyone is the same, of course.  For some, mid-life is a barely noticeable bump in the road.  For others, it is truly a crisis.  For most, it is somewhere in between - something better labeled as a challenge.  And as many versions as there are of the mid-life experience, there are that many ways of dealing with it.  For those of you who are having trouble, here are some of my ideas for navigating the choppy waters of mid-life: 

Step 1:  Acceptance and Commitment

   Once you realize that you have a problem with your life as it is, you need to commit to doing something about it.  As much as we wish it would, whining and complaining won't change things.  Committing to change is the first and most critical step, but often not the easiest.  Unless you are single, childless and without any family ties or obligations, changing your life will have an impact on those you hold near and dear.  It's unavoidable and, let me warn you that at first, nobody is going to like it.

    To find your own path to happiness, you have to make some time to focus on yourself.  That doesn't mean that you tell everyone you love to take a hike while you move off to "all-about-me" world.  Relationships and obligations are important but, if we want to really improve the quality of our own lives, we need to become more discerning. We need to determine which obligations and relationships are truly important to us and to let go of the rest.  Be prepared for lots of pouting and be ready to stand firm. 

Step 2:  Getting Back to Nature

     This might imply spending time in nature and, although that is not really what I am referring to here, I do believe that spending time in nature can help us to relax and to think more clearly and creatively  (For more on this, see my prior post on Why Getting Back to Nature May Prove to be the Best Therapy ).  For our purposes here though, what I am referring to is getting back in touch with your inner nature. 

     Your inner nature is who you really are minus all of the roles and identities that you have assumed over your lifetime.  Reacquainting yourself with your inner nature means taking some time to think about what your real values are and where your natural talents and abilities lie.  Sometimes it helps to think back to early girlhood and recall what you spent your time doing...what you lost track of time doing.  Clarifying what you value, what you enjoy and what your strengths are is a prerequisite to clarifying what it is that you want to do from here on in.  Goals that don't utilize your strengths or that are inconsistent with your values will only frustrate you.

Step 3:  Remove Obstacles

     You know what you want but now you need to figure out what's stopping you.  External circumstances like a lack of funds or too many obligations may be getting in your way.  Thinking out of the box is required to find ways over or around the things that are blocking your path.  Women often assume the role of helper but too often we feel uncomfortable with the idea of asking for help.  Try it, you might be surprised at how willing people are to give you a hand.

     Internal obstacles also prevent us from doing what we want.  Is a fear of failure stopping you?  Are you a perfectionist?  Is negative, pessimistic thinking standing in your way?  These internal hurdles can often be the toughest to navigate.  Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman and other books may be helpful for changing your thought patterns and adopting a more optimistic approach to life.  You might also want to read this post: The Pursuit of Happiness.  Need more help?  Searching out a life coach or a cognitive-behavioral therapist may be a good idea.

Step 4:  Clear the Clutter

     You can't add anything new into your life without getting rid of some stuff to make room.  Figure out what obligations you can let go of.  If you can, pay people to do time-consuming chores to free up your time.  Or, delegate some jobs to children or barter with friends and family.  Learning to say "no" to things that aren't that important can help you to find time for the things that are.  This takes assertiveness and can be excruciatingly difficult for some women.  For additional help see my prior post on Becoming More Assertive and look at my reading recommendations.  Most of us have a full plate - we can't possibly add in time for ourselves unless we get rid of something else first.  It can be done.

Step 5:  Make (and follow) a Plan

     Now that you know what you want, you've made room for adding new things into your life and you've removed many of the obstacles...you need to start working towards your goals.  You can't just sit there and expect that it will all come to you.  But don't worry, this is the fun part.  If you've done steps 1-4, the hardest part is behind you. 

     Set your goals and break them down into smaller tasks that will lead you forward.  Don't be overwhelmed.  It's true that every journey begins with a single step.  Take that first step and then take another.  See how it goes, make adjustments as needed and believe in yourself.  Most importantly, remember that we spend most of our lives on the journey, not at our destinations.  Make sure you take time to enjoy the trip!

     This article has been featured at the Carnival of Improving Life.  Visit the carnival to find more personal growth and development articles as well as financial advice, health articles and more!

Come On Get Happy - The Taoist Approach to Life

     It's no strange coincidence that so many of us are looking for happiness.  The more we have separated ourselves from nature and from each other, the more miserable we have become.

     We are struggling to find happiness, as if it is out there somewhere hiding from us.  But it's right where it has always been...we've just lost sight of it.

     Happiness is something within us, something that we create for ourselves...it is a way of being in the world...a way of living in harmony with nature (both our inner nature and the nature that surrounds and sustains us).  How do we find our way back?

     We can find our way back to happiness by looking backward in time and following the ancient wisdom of a people who truly understand how to live happily.  As I have begun to explore the basic principles of Taoism, I have been surprised by both their (Read more...)

Journey into the Brain - A New Take on Nirvana?

Eastern spirituality seems to be the West's largest and perhaps most important import these days.  It seems that our hard-driven, overly-ambitious ways have caught up with us and we suspect there must be a better way. 

     We have turned, in large numbers, to the techniques and practices of ancient Eastern religions in record numbers - Buddhist temples now dot the American landscape and yoga classes and meditation centers have found their way to even the most backward of regions.  We are all desperately seeking nirvana.

     But what is it that we really expect to find and how are we going to find it?  Is nirvana out there somewhere or is it within?  Do we even know what we're looking for and will we recognize it when we find it?

    So many of us are looking outward to find the things or activities that will make us happy.  What I am beginning to realize through my own experience however, is that until I am able to find some inner peace, (Read more...)

The Pursuit of Happiness

     We all know that we are entitled to it, this pursuit of happiness, but what's it all about really?  What does it mean to truly be happy and how do you know when you've achieved it?  And why are we so obsessed with happiness anyway?  Throughout the ages there has been discussion of the subject but, let's face it, our grandparents didn't spend much time worrying about whether or not they were truly happy, did they?  Having a job, food on the table and a roof over your head was reason enough for happiness.  So why this renewed emphasis?

          "If we only wanted to be happy it would be easy, but we want to be happier than other people, which is almost always difficult, since we think them happier than they are."  Montesquieu

     Thanks to a combination of Hollywood, the media and modern technology, we have more information than ever about how the other guy lives.  This means more opportunities for comparing ourselves with others and, quite often, finding ourselves lacking. We've been led to believe that most people are better looking, more successful, wealthier and, of course, happier than we are.  But is this really true?  Does money or success or good looks lead to happiness.  Research suggests not.  A recent episode of 20/20 pointed out that the United States is the 23rd happiest nation on earth - even though we are the richest.  Cold and damp Denmark came in first.  Why?  Apparently their government makes sure that all of their basic needs are met - food, shelter, health care etc.  And the differences in income levels are slight with bankers, doctors and artists all earning comparable salaries.  People there have fewer worries and the ability to follow their bliss when choosing an occupation.  And when they compare themselves to others as we all do...there isn't much of a difference.  So if you want to be happier, you could pick up and move to Denmark.  But perhaps there are easier ways.  The place to start is getting realistic about what you are trying to achieve.  What is happiness anyway?

       "The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment."  Doug Larson

     Happiness is not a huge smile plastered on your face 24/7.  It isn't a never-ending feeling of joy and ecstasy.  It turns out that when people say they are happy they are referring to an overall sense of contentment.  Yes, they have their bad moments and a full range of emotion.  They get angry, they have occasional regrets, they experience loss and grief like the rest of us.  But it is how they handle their emotions and their general approach to life that makes the difference.  Happy people fully experience their emotions, both positive and negative.  What they don't do is: ruminate about the negative; personalize their defeats; or look at misfortune as being a permanent state of affairs that is pervasive, infecting all corners of their world.  In other words, happy people are optimists.  Now while it is true that most of us are born with a tendency toward optimism or pessimism - fear not, fellow pessimists, there is hope.

      "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be"  Abe Lincoln

     Yep.  Happiness is a choice and if you won't take Abe's advice, take Martin Seligman's.  Dr. Seligman is the head of the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania.  According to Dr. Seligman, we all have a set range for potential happiness, but we can do something about where in this range we fall.  In other words, we can learn to think more optimistically if we put our minds to the task and thinking more optimistically leads to landing in the higher end of our individual, potential happiness range.

     So, are you content?  Are you a born optimist?   (Don't know?  Find out here for free: www.AuthenticHappiness.com )  Do you naturally attribute your successes to you own efforts and failures to circumstance?  Do you have realistic expectations about happiness?  Do you see setbacks as temporary and the glass as half-full?  Or, are you the type to dwell on mistakes and failures, to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong and attribute your rare surceases to dumb-luck?  Do you think that you've screwed up your life in every way and it will never get any better?  If you find yourself thinking, "Oh yeah, that's me...what a loser!", check out the Recommended Reading and Helpful links under RESOURCES in the sidebar.  There are some great books and some interesting web sites out there.  Take a peek; you just might find happiness after all!