How to Become More Assertive

Becoming more assertive leads us to stand up for what we believe in, to express our feelings and opinions without fear, to do what is best for ourselves and to build more equitable relationships.  Assertive people tend to be more confident, self-assured, successful and happy.  So why do so many of us continue to let other people run our lives while we silently seethe and wonder why we are so stressed out and unfulfilled? 

     Assertiveness just doesn't come naturally to many of us, especially women.  We are socialized to be pleasers and nurturers.  Making decisions based on what is best for us goes against everything that we have been taught.  We believe that putting the needs of others first is what's right and to put our own needs in the forefront is selfish.  And if we believe this, what will everyone else think?

     We misunderstand what it means to be assertive.  We don't want to be thought of as demanding, pushy, selfish or - should I even say it - bitchy?  So we continue on as we are even if it means living our lives in an inauthentic way and sacrificing our own happiness in an effort to be liked.  We decide to not become more assertive mainly because we are worried about what other people will think.

     Living this way becomes tiresome though and at some point, many of us will decide enough is enough.  We will decide it's time to take a stand, to become more assertive.  Unfortunately, we won't have the foggiest idea of how to go about it.   

     Becoming more assertive may not be easy, but it also isn't as hard as we think.  Changing our patterns of behavior just takes patience, preparation and practice.  So, are you ready to take a stand?  If so, here are some general guidelines to help you along:

1. Observe your own behavior before you try to change it.  Make mental notes of what types of situations make you feel uncomfortable.  When do you usually fall into passive or aggressive modes of behavior?  Are you fine with expressing unpopular opinions, but saying no makes you squirm?  Do you feel unable to ask someone to stop doing something that is annoying to you (but end up blowing up at them later?) 
2. Figure out what you are afraid of.  Why can't you be assertive in certain types of situations?  What are you telling yourself will happen?  Are you worried that you'll be seen as difficult, that you'll embarrass yourself, that your friends will leave you?  Catch yourself thinking these self-defeating thoughts and replace them with more affirming ones.  Remember, if you don't look out for your best interests, who will?  Being able to stand up for what you believe in and to run your own life is a good thing. Remind yourself of that every chance you get.
3. Choose positive labels.  Call assertiveness what it is; don't refer to yourself as being a bitch or being difficult when you do finally ask for what you need or stand up for your rights.
4. Prepare yourself for a negative response.  When you begin to change your patterns and to become more assertive, you may find that people react negatively at first.  Know this will happen and push on anyway.  People will adapt eventually.  Let people know that you are sensitive to their feelings, but that you need to do what is right for you.
5. Start small and take baby steps.  Practice being assertive in small ways at first.  Remind the waitress that she forgot your side dish and ask for it.  Tell your mother-in-law that you appreciate her advice (preferably on a small, unemotional issue) but that you've found an approach that works better for you.  Firmly say "No thank you" to the next telemarketer that calls.  Pat yourself on the back for any small step in the right direction.
6. Say yes whenever you can, but also learn how to say no.  Saying yes to things often will make you feel less bad about yourself when you choose to say no.  The best way to decline is to simply say no, no thank you, not today or I can't do that.  But if a simple, firm no is too much at first there are lots of ways to soften it.  Having prepared stock phrases can help.  "Let me check my calendar" or "I'll have to run it by my husband" are wonderful delay tactics that buy you the time you need to gear yourself up for saying no.  Referring to a policy that you live by, can often make a no seem less difficult to hear as in "I'm sorry but I have a policy about not lending money to friends."  "I have plans" can also allow you to turn down any invitation.  Your plans might be to clip your toenails, but that isn't anybody else's business.  They are plans all the same. 

     Assertiveness may not come naturally but it is a skill any one of us can learn with a little time and effort.  If you take the steps listed above and make a genuine commitment to changing your behavior, you'll be well on your way to becoming a more assertive (and potentially much happier) person. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "In the long run, we shape our lives and we shape ourselves...the choices we make are our own responsibility."  Remember, to be assertive does not mean to be a bitch or a bully.  To be assertive is to choose for yourself and to take responsibility for your own life and your own happiness.  Be assertive, make your own choices; a more fulfilling life awaits.

    Need more help on your journey?  Check out the recommended reading in my Amazon store.  Also, see my guest post on "Five Compelling Reasons to Become More Assertive" here.