Lowered Expectations - The Key to Happiness?

     I admit it...I'm a naturally pessimistic person.  I work hard every day trying to develop and maintain a more optimistic outlook and to focus on what is right and good with my life instead of what's wrong with it, but, truth be told, my natural inclination is to hold a slightly negative view.  Oh I've had some success in these efforts...I'm a bit more content overall and I can go for hours or sometimes days without falling into  my old crotchety ways, but it is an effort.  Happiness can be elusive for those of us who were born to whine.  (If this sounds like you, read my prior post "The Pursuit of Happiness" for some suggestions)

    When people point out my tendency toward the glass-half-empty perspective, as people seem compelled to do, I counter that I'm not being negative, I'm being "realistic."  That's what my Dad always said when I was criticizing his tendency toward pessimism.  What can I say...I am my father's daughter and, honestly, I think that response has some merit.  Pessimists are known to be more realistic, albeit less happy, people.  I've also been known to say "Hey, if I expect that everything will go perfectly, I'm likely to be disappointed whereas, if I expect everything to go wrong, and then it doesn't, I'll be pleasantly surprised!"  Makes total sense to me.  And, as it turns out, I just might be on to something.

      In a study of happiness that covered thirty-two years, researchers at the University of Chicago found that older people tend to be happier than younger people.  While the happiness of each study participant varied throughout the study due to life circumstances at the time of the interviews, the older participants were consistently happier.  Considering all of the aches and pains, deaths of loved ones and the close-up view of one's own mortality that come with old age, what accounts for the perky, upbeat attitude of most senior citizens?

     Linda George, an aging expert from Duke University, says that older people tend to be accepting of and content with their achievements (however lackluster they may be) and, most importantly, they tend to have lower expectations.  Dr. Yang, of the University of Chicago, states that "Older people have generally learned to be more content with what they have."  Hmmmmmmm.....lowered expectations as the key to happiness.....it seems I've heard that somewhere before.  So, maybe I should spend less time fighting my natural inclinations and more time cultivating and refining them?  That's food for thought.

     Unfortunately, researchers also say that middle-aged folks tend to be the least happy.  Well, that explains why my daily battle with pessimism is so difficult.  We mid-lifers tend to be the most hassled; pulled in so many different directions everyday between work, household responsibilities, child care, care-giving for parents etc.  While the landscape of each of our individual lives may look quite different, one thing that we the middle-aged seem to have in common is that we are BUSY.  Too busy sometimes to relax and appreciate and enjoy what we have.

     The good news?  There is a light at the end of the tunnel (relax, I'm not talking about that light).  What I mean is that midlife doesn't last forever and, if we survive this pressure cooker, we too can be happy-go-lucky old timers.  The bad news?  Baby boomers may not enjoy the same benefits as previous generations of seniors unless we mend our ways.  Studies are showing that boomers look to retirement and old age as a time to do all of the things they didn't have time to do earlier.  They expect to achieve great things during their golden years.  The trouble is that these high expectations may make these years seem less than golden.

     What's the answer then if we want to reap the happiness rewards that can come with old age?  It's the same old answer really.  We need to learn to be happy with what we have, to be content with our lives as they are.  We need to stop looking for happiness in things and achievements and start taking the time to appreciate what is right in front of us every day.  We need to live in the moment, to simplify our lives and, yes, to lower our expectations just a wee bit.  I know that not everyone will agree with my philosophy of expecting less and enjoying more.  But try it...you just might find it has some merit after all.

    

Comments

[Allison Allen]

I guess we balance each other out, I am the glass half full gal. But I comPLETELY see the logic i your argument. I read the study you refer to recently and it did make pause and think...

There are those who say you get what you expect, you know, the Law of Attraction, Success Principles, etc. So if Boomers expect to do great things, I guess they'll either get what they expect and knock the studies on their backsides...or we'll be an awful big bunch of very depressed oldies :)

I think you've hit the nail on the head...got to be present to the here and now and enjoy even if you are striving for something more. Pretty Zen, it's that detachment thing I have yet to master, drat!

[Evelyn Lim]

I enjoyed reading your article. It's an honest account of your own personal struggles, which many of us can identify with.

Even as a writer of topics on law of attraction, I do not expect to feel like I'm having a blast every day. I recognise that I have my down moments; the awareness about my emotions serve as a guide for me to work on them. When I feel a tad sad or off, I note my emotions and do what I can to bring myself on a higher note.

Thanks for sharing,
Evelyn

[Barbara Swafford]

I'm an optimist. Even when things go wrong, I stop and ask myself, "what can I learn from this?" I then take those lessons and apply them to similar situations.

Years ago I read a book that claimed we shouldn't have any expectations (especially of other people). It said that expectations can set us up for heartbreak, and lower self confidence. It made sense to me, and now I try to accept people as they are. It's tough to do with kids, but sometimes we have to allow them to learn things the hard way.

[Lori]

Allison,

I agree to a point with the whole Law of Attraction thing. In fact, I work pretty hard these days to think more positively. I was told by an extraordinarily successful man that he could see I was the type who would be great at whatever I chose to do...I remind myself of this whenever I feel overwhelmed. It's true, I do well at whatever I choose to do...it's the choosing that's the tough part!! Meanwhile, while I believe in myself and my abilties, I still feel that if I ASSUME that I will be successful in all things, it's likely that I will end up disappointed. It's my own personal mix of the Law of Attraction, positive thinking and realism...does that make any sense? I'm not even sure that it does...but it's how I think.

Evelyn,

You bring up a very important point. So many people think that being happy means being ecstatic every moment of every day which is unrealistic. People that are truly happy experience the full range of emotions, they just don't let the bad moments keep them stuck. They feel their feelings and then move on. True happiness is more of an overall sense of contentedness with life...something that, despite my pessimistic tendencies, I'm beginning to experience more and more often.

Barbara,

I, too, try to see the lesson in all things that happen in my life. Once I get past the upset and disappointment, I try to think about how I can use what I've learned in the future. Thanks for making that point.

[Shilpan]

Lori -

Finding happiness with what we have now is the key to attaining peace within. Our rug rats of mind often tend to make us feel jealous or angry when we compare ourselves to others and feel saddened for not having what others have. In reality, others also have same feeling of things that they don't have. Good news is - we control our mind and thus our circumstances.

Shilpan

[Margaret]

Great post, Lori. (Note to self: It is what it is. Rinse and repeat)

[Lori]

Shilpan,

We do control our minds...when we put our mind to it!

Margaret,

Thanks!