Between Us Girls

Focus and Life Goals

      Like my middle-aged vision, I find that my life lacks focus.  It's nothing new.  I've been this way my whole life.  I flit from idea to idea, from project to project, from career to career in much the same way I once went from boyfriend to boyfriend.  It's the way I operate.

     The only problem with this approach to life is that it's hard to get anywhere in life.  Great achievements are not made by people who are jacks-of-all-trades and masters-of-none.  We may be interesting people with colorful backgrounds, but we

Lowered Expectations - The Key to Happiness?

    I admit it...I'm a naturally pessimistic person.  I work hard every day trying to develop and maintain a more optimistic outlook and to focus on what is right and good with my life instead of what's wrong with it, but, truth be told, my natural inclination is to hold a slightly negative view.  Oh I've had some success in these efforts...I'm a bit more content overall and I can go for hours or sometimes days without falling into  my old crotchety ways, but it is an effort.  Happiness can be elusive for those of us who were born to whine.  (If this sounds like you, read my prior post "The Pursuit of Happiness" for some suggestions)

    When people point out my tendency toward the glass-half-empty perspective, as people seem compelled to do, I counter that I'm not being negative, I'm being "realistic."  That's what my Dad always said when I was criticizing his tendency toward pessimism.  What can I say...I am my father's daughter and, honestly, I think that response has some merit.  Pessimists are known to be more realistic, albeit less happy, people.  I've also been known to say "Hey, if I expect that everything will go perfectly, I'm likely to be disappointed whereas, if I expect everything to go wrong, and then it doesn't, I'll be pleasantly surprised!"  Makes total (Read more...)

More On Mid-Life

    For those of you who are interested in the topic of mid-life crises, I have a little more advice to send your way.  I have written a guest post that provides some futher guidance on navigating the challenges of mid-life for a wonderful blog called "DumbLittleMan."  This post offers some simple do and don't guidelines for anyone who is floundering and fumbling their way through a mid-life crisis. 

"Sooner or later we all go through it.  We begin to lose parents, our friends or spouses start to come down with "old people" illnesses, our children grow up and (if we're lucky) begin to leave home.  We look around at the landscape of our lives and realize it has become unrecognizable.  What we once centered our lives around has changed, anchors that moored us have detached and, as the anxiety begins to mount, we find ourselves looking for something to hold on to. But what?"  (Read more...)

     Don't let the name fool you, the publisher of this blog is anything but dumb.  He's a smart cookie who posts a wealth of useful information that is certainly worth checking out.  Do yourself, and me, a favor and visit DumbLittleMan to check out my post and others.

Navigating Your Mid-Life Crisis

     To many of us mid-life sounds like a dirty word - well, a dirty hyphenated word to be accurate.  You can't even think "mid-life" without the word crisis following it, can you?  It's kind of automatic that these words flow together in our brains.  But think of a mid-life crisis and what picture comes to mind?  A speeding red convertible...one hand on the wheel, the other holding down the comb-over...salacious wink at the red light?

   I think most of us see a similar image in our minds eye.  But men aren't the only ones suffering from this mid-life manifestation.  Women also begin to question themselves mid-stream.  We wonder how we got where we are and why we're not quite happy here.  We have our doubts and regrets and a desire to get more out of life before it's over; we just don't wave a giant banner over our heads like some people.  Nothing says crisis like a fake tan and a new toupee.

     So what is it like for women?  In some ways, I believe it can be a rougher road than it is for men.  Men are brought up to go for what they want in this life.  Yes, they often take on the duties of husband and father and sacrifice some of their needs to these obligations, but it is different for women from the start.

    Women tend to value relationships highly, and in our culture, grow up learning to put others needs ahead of their own long before the husband and children come along.  While no one story fits all, many women lose themselves somewhere in girlhood.  We live a life full of shoulds and oughts and let ourselves be molded and driven by the needs and desires of others.  The result?  An adult life characterized by a weak sense of self and dedication to satisfying needs that are often not our own. 

     When a woman has a mid-life crisis she may recognize what she doesn't like about her current situation, but when asked what she does want out of life, she may have a hell of a time coming up with an answer.  It has often been so long since she even thought about what she wanted from life, that she no longer knows. 

      For men, mid-life crisis may mean wishing for the independence and care-free bachelor lifestyle they once enjoyed.  For women though, it may be wishing for a life they have never known.  A red convertible or a fling with the secretary won't suffice; there are no quick fixes here. (See my prior post on Racing Towards Mid-Life).  Women need to first rediscover who they are and what they want before they ever try to go and get it. 

     Not everyone is the same, of course.  For some, mid-life is a barely noticeable bump in the road.  For others, it is truly a crisis.  For most, it is somewhere in between - something better labeled as a challenge.  And as many versions as there are of the mid-life experience, there are that many ways of dealing with it.  For those of you who are having trouble, here are some of my ideas for navigating the choppy waters of mid-life: 

Step 1:  Acceptance and Commitment

   Once you realize that you have a problem with your life as it is, you need to commit to doing something about it.  As much as we wish it would, whining and complaining won't change things.  Committing to change is the first and most critical step, but often not the easiest.  Unless you are single, childless and without any family ties or obligations, changing your life will have an impact on those you hold near and dear.  It's unavoidable and, let me warn you that at first, nobody is going to like it.

    To find your own path to happiness, you have to make some time to focus on yourself.  That doesn't mean that you tell everyone you love to take a hike while you move off to "all-about-me" world.  Relationships and obligations are important but, if we want to really improve the quality of our own lives, we need to become more discerning. We need to determine which obligations and relationships are truly important to us and to let go of the rest.  Be prepared for lots of pouting and be ready to stand firm. 

Step 2:  Getting Back to Nature

     This might imply spending time in nature and, although that is not really what I am referring to here, I do believe that spending time in nature can help us to relax and to think more clearly and creatively  (For more on this, see my prior post on Why Getting Back to Nature May Prove to be the Best Therapy ).  For our purposes here though, what I am referring to is getting back in touch with your inner nature. 

     Your inner nature is who you really are minus all of the roles and identities that you have assumed over your lifetime.  Reacquainting yourself with your inner nature means taking some time to think about what your real values are and where your natural talents and abilities lie.  Sometimes it helps to think back to early girlhood and recall what you spent your time doing...what you lost track of time doing.  Clarifying what you value, what you enjoy and what your strengths are is a prerequisite to clarifying what it is that you want to do from here on in.  Goals that don't utilize your strengths or that are inconsistent with your values will only frustrate you.

Step 3:  Remove Obstacles

     You know what you want but now you need to figure out what's stopping you.  External circumstances like a lack of funds or too many obligations may be getting in your way.  Thinking out of the box is required to find ways over or around the things that are blocking your path.  Women often assume the role of helper but too often we feel uncomfortable with the idea of asking for help.  Try it, you might be surprised at how willing people are to give you a hand.

     Internal obstacles also prevent us from doing what we want.  Is a fear of failure stopping you?  Are you a perfectionist?  Is negative, pessimistic thinking standing in your way?  These internal hurdles can often be the toughest to navigate.  Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman and other books may be helpful for changing your thought patterns and adopting a more optimistic approach to life.  You might also want to read this post: The Pursuit of Happiness.  Need more help?  Searching out a life coach or a cognitive-behavioral therapist may be a good idea.

Step 4:  Clear the Clutter

     You can't add anything new into your life without getting rid of some stuff to make room.  Figure out what obligations you can let go of.  If you can, pay people to do time-consuming chores to free up your time.  Or, delegate some jobs to children or barter with friends and family.  Learning to say "no" to things that aren't that important can help you to find time for the things that are.  This takes assertiveness and can be excruciatingly difficult for some women.  For additional help see my prior post on Becoming More Assertive and look at my reading recommendations.  Most of us have a full plate - we can't possibly add in time for ourselves unless we get rid of something else first.  It can be done.

Step 5:  Make (and follow) a Plan

     Now that you know what you want, you've made room for adding new things into your life and you've removed many of the obstacles...you need to start working towards your goals.  You can't just sit there and expect that it will all come to you.  But don't worry, this is the fun part.  If you've done steps 1-4, the hardest part is behind you. 

     Set your goals and break them down into smaller tasks that will lead you forward.  Don't be overwhelmed.  It's true that every journey begins with a single step.  Take that first step and then take another.  See how it goes, make adjustments as needed and believe in yourself.  Most importantly, remember that we spend most of our lives on the journey, not at our destinations.  Make sure you take time to enjoy the trip!

     This article has been featured at the Carnival of Improving Life.  Visit the carnival to find more personal growth and development articles as well as financial advice, health articles and more!

Racing Towards Midlife - Dangerous Curves Ahead

     Mid-life comes with it's challenges.  Standing face-to-face with our own mortality leads some of us to panic.  You know, the kind of panic that puts men in red convertibles, racing down the highways, comb-overs flapping in the breeze?

     Sorry for putting that image into your minds, but I had to do it.  It's my way of trying to scare you straight. 

    I know as well as anyone that mid-life can be a scary time, but please ladies, let's try to keep our dignity intact.  Let's not fall prey to the scatter-brained, desperate attempts at clinging to our youth that our menfolk do. 

     The male mid-life crisis has long had an affair with sports cars, usually convertibles, often brightly colored.  Cars that scream, "Look at me...while I've still got it."  Women at midlife often suffer from the same fears of mortality, feelings of despair over goals not met, regrets for mountains not climbed but we have, at least until now, handled our crises with poise and grace.  We re-evaluate and redesign our lives at best...at worst, we might go in for a little nip or tuck.  Either way, we deal with our crises discreetly, (Read more...)

Yes Virginia - There is a Perimenopause

      Although the men in your life may look at you cross-eyed and some doctors will try to convince you that it's all in your head, perimenopause is real.  True, some women will sail through those premenopausal years with nary a worry, but they generally keep their mouths shut about it...if they know what's good for them.

     The rest of us look none-too-kindly on their beautiful complexions, their restful nights and their cool, dry skin.  We really don't care to hear about their happy little worlds as we drag our bloated, tired bodies through our days, and alternately sweat and pee our way through our nights.  No, it's not pretty, but it is a reality for many of us.

     I recently spoke with a woman (age 51) who has had a terrible time sleeping for several years.  For her the issue is hot flashes (also called night sweats).  She might be freezing one moment only to wake up with the sweat dripping off of her the next. 

     Jesse (not her real name) lives in a foggy sleep-deprived land and yet her husband is convinced that it is all in her head.  The sleep problems and the sweating...she's just imagining it all.  He sleeps right next to her...he can feel the heat radiating off of (Read more...)

Dealing with Death and Loss at Mid-Life

     I went to a funeral service yesterday.  My uncle (not a blood relative, but one of those best friends of my parents from childhood type of things), whom I've had little contact with, had died peacefully after a long illness. My lack of any significant relationship with this family allowed me to sit back calmly and observe.  Expecting to be relatively unfazed emotionally, I found myself with a lump in my throat none-the-less.

     Stories told by the minister, my cousin's struggles to hold back tears and make it through the eulogy, Taps played at the end of the service all brought up memories of my own losses; particularly the loss of my dad three years ago.  It was inevitable really.  By this not-so-old, but then again not-so-young, age of forty-five, I have seen my fair share of death and loss.  By the time mid-life comes along, grandparents depart (if they haven't already died long ago), aunts and uncles pass on, parents begin to fail and die and let us not forget the serious illnesses and deaths among people our own age that begin to happen with increasing frequency.  Is it any wonder that depression and unhappiness peak for many people around age forty-four or so?

    For most of us, it is somewhere around mid-life that the reality of death and of our own mortality meets us face-to-face.  It's how we meet and greet this unwelcome but inevitable visitor that determines our own personal level of fear and discomfort at mid-life.  Our unpreparedness and lack of ability to cope with the reality of death can become a powerful accelerator on the road to mid-life crisis.

     How is it that people cope with all of the losses that begin to pile up at this time of life?  Each person eventually finds his or her own way, but it is usually a process that takes some time.  For many people, religion plays a large part.  Although the belief that a dear departed one has moved on to a better life and will be seen again one day offers hope, it really offers little comfort to the person who is dealing with loss in the here and now.  Some future possibility of reuniting with a loved one doesn't really stop the pain, does it?  And if you don't believe in life after death?  Well, then people just don't know what to say.  How do you provide comfort to someone suffering a loss?  How do you find comfort if you're the one suffering?

     Many people have had a lot to say over the years about death, loss and coping with it all.  One of the most well-known is Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who spent a lot of time with dying people and tried to use this experience to help the rest of us better understand the dying process.  Others have also tried to provide methods for coping with loss.  Some of the best advice I got was during my training for becoming a hospice volunteer.  We were encouraged to listen, allowing the dying or the grieving family member to talk and express their real feelings without fear of criticism and without having to hear annoying platitudes.  We also learned that time and the expression of feelings in one's own way, in one's own time is what heals; not what anyone says in response.

    Some of us just need to talk through our loss, for others talking is too difficult.  Writing letters to the the person we have lost can help to get those feelings out, as can painting, drawing, or preparing memorial scrapbooks.  The point is that, for all of us, the grieving process is uniquely our own; it happens how and when and for how long we decide it must.  It can be particularly difficult at mid-life because we sometimes choose to not deal with death.  We get a fake tan, dress like a teenager and pretend it just isn't happening.  All of it a desperate attempt to run like hell from the inevitable.

     There is an upside to this fear of death that weighs so heavily upon us a mid-life.  A little bit of fear can be a good thing; a motivator.  Used properly, fear of our impending demise can push us to make long-overdue changes in our live.  Realizing that it will someday come to an end, we can choose to make the most of what life we have left.  I'm in the midst of this process myself, trying to harness those wild-eyed horses of panic so they'll lead me to joyful engagement with life instead of a plunge off of the nearest cliff!  There are lots of ways to work through this and lots of people to help.  I've included some resources for dealing with loss and also for renewing your life at mid-life in the sidebar (see Loss and Mid-Life Headings).  If you have any helpful suggestions for those dealing with loss or mid-life crises, please post comments.  This site is meant to be a way for us girls to help each other.  I value everyone's input.