Between Us Girls

Frustration: Friend or Foe?

My son is a lot like me - poor kid.  He loves to learn new things and share what he learns with others.  Good so far.  He also enjoys a challenge, but only to a point.  He's pretty bright so most things come easily to him.  The problem is when the challenge proves too much, when something doesn't come easily.  Determined little bugger that he is, he'll keep trying and trying until frustration and exhaustion overwhelm him.  Persistence?  He's got truckloads.  Patience?  Well, that's another story.

When my son was a baby,  he didn't just want to be able to turn over by himself, he felt a desperate need to do it and to do it now.  He would try and try and try and try to roll over and I would try to help, just a little to get him started.  But it didn't happen right away and so the trying became straining and the straining became battling and the result?  Crying, screaming and anguish. And you should have heard the baby!

Crawling, sitting up, walking?  Same scenario, over and over again.  And things haven't changed much in eight years.  The desire to roll over or to walk has been replaced with the need to speed read and to reach level three-gazillion on the latest Wii game within the first two days of ownership.  My boy still loves to take on challenges and usually skates along effortlessly for a while.  Eventually though, even the boy-genius hits a wall and then look out!  The tears flow, pillows are beaten mercilessly and mommy's limited patience begins to wear thin.  Granted, no one likes to feel frustrated, but as I've explained to my son, frustration is not the enemy.  In fact, the ability to tolerate frustration is a critical ingredient in the recipe for a happy life.  The real foe is our own lack of patience.

Hazing - Are Our Kids Going Too Far?

Hazing is a well-known and long-standing part of the fabric of our society. If we haven't been through it ourselves, we likely know someone who has. But the practice of hazing as a way to indoctrinate a new member of a club, team or other group is on the rise and the ages of the participants are dropping. Is this just a normal part of growing up or should we be concerned?

College fraternities and sororities are perhaps the best known of the groups that regularly require hazing as a rite of initiation, but lately it seems that many high school and even middle school groups are joining in. School band members have been suspended for participating in dangerous hazing rituals, cheer leading squads have jumped into the fray and even some church youth groups are sheepishly admitting that they too have crossed over to the dark side.

Although many still think of hazing as a harmless prank, a joke that leaves everyone, even the “hazees” laughing, hazing is more pernicious than it might appear at first glance. Hazing is defined as “any activity expected of someone joining a group (or to maintain full status in a group) that humiliates, degrades or risks emotional and/or physical harm, regardless of the person's willingness to participate.” The key here is that the activities are, by their very nature, designed to humiliate and degrade . . . and include the risk of physical or emotional harm. And the fact is that, as with so many things, our kids are busily trying to outdo each other. Hazing is becoming an on-going game of one-upsmanship. The activities are getting more risky and more violent.

Should we be concerned? What's causing this and why are our kids directing so much anger and viciousness at their friends?

These are good questions and I'm afraid I don't really have the answers. Could it be that our kids have been exposed to so much violence, from the nightly news to movies and video games, that they have become desensitized and callous? There is a lot of psychological research that suggests media violence can have such an effect on children. Have we as parents lost sight of our values or are we simply failing to

The Art of Diplomacy - What's in It for You?

We hear so much about the need for diplomacy these days in everything from international relations to bi-partisan relations, but the art of diplomacy isn't just for national leaders and members of Congress. Diplomacy, the employment of tact to find mutually acceptable solutions to a common challenge, can be employed by everyday people in everyday situations to the benefit of all.

Think of the many challenges we face: Your daughter, a freshman in high school, wants to date a senior. Your five-year-old son doesn't want to share his new Play-Doh set with his cousin who is in for a holiday visit. Your coworker speaks so loudly on phone calls that you can't focus and he's tired of your dirty looks. Your Aunt Rose doesn't speak to your Aunt Mary, but is the sister of Mary's husband, Bob who rarely gets to see Rose. How are you going to please everyone with the seating plan at your wedding reception?

Situations like these pop up all the time and they can really push our buttons if we let them. The result? Anger, arguments, hurt feelings, crying and worse. So how can the art of diplomacy make a difference and what's in it for us?

Well, diplomacy is a way of handling sticky situations that leads to consensus and compromise. In other words, it is a way of finding a solution that everyone can live with which, admittedly,  is often easier said than done. Happily though, diplomacy involves certain skills that, given some practice and patience,

Where to Find Health Information for Women

     To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  This is to have succeeded!  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

     I keep this quote in my mind when I feel unproductive, unsuccessful or lacking in purpose.  The last bit, "to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.", is, to me, the most meaningful.  My original intention when I decided to set up this blog was to create a way of sharing information that we, as

The Strength to be Yourself

     Once in a while I get in a funk...don't we all? I fall into the trap of comparing myself with others, regretting past mistakes, wishing I had done things differently or that I was more like someone else I imagine to be far better off. For a day or two, I can't seem to muster the energy to take all of my own advice on positive thinking, gratitude, living in the here and now, blah, blah, blah.

     Hey, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Yes, I know better and yet sometimes, even knowing better isn't enough to keep my spirits up when things aren't going my way. So, I allow myself a day or two of moping and then I get on with my life. I get back on the positive psychology wagon. I focus on the moment, try to meditate, exercise (of course), engage in activities that foster more positive emotions (like reading or walking outside or a little gardening) and the world seems bright once again.

     It's good that I go through this really. It keeps me humble and serves as a reminder that there is a lot of unhappiness in the world and that we are all susceptible. Experiencing it myself now and again helps me to be more compassionate towards others who are feeling low and maybe don't have the knowledge or the skills to pull themselves out of it like I do. I believe that we all need to do what we can in this crazy world to try to stay positive, to improve our lives and to be happy. I also believe that we owe it to our friends, our families and our neighbors to reach out and grab their hands and lift them up as well.

Parents and Children - How Much Influence Do We Really Have?

      As parents, we often worry about how our kids will handle things as they grow up. We try to teach them all that we know in the hope that what we are telling them will get locked away in their brains and that, when faced with temptation or a difficult choice, our words will be recalled and a wise choice made.

     But how much influence do we really have on our children's behavior? There is some good news here. Research has shown that throughout our children's lives, we parents really are the strongest influence on our children's behavior. Our kids are listening and learning from us. They do consider what we have to say about issues and when they are confused or unsure, we are often the first ones to whom they turn for advice...until high school, that is.

     When our kids become teenagers, we parents lose our power. Teens still hear our voices if only faintly, but there are new voices – those of their peers. Parent's voices simply cannot be heard over the din. The voices of our children's peers are far more piercing and persuasive.

     What problems can this create for our kids? Well, at a time when our children are beginning to grow up and are faced with many more temptations and life-altering choices than we might like, they are taking there cue from their friends. Peers are their primary counsel when it comes to whether or not to become sexually active, to use condoms, to drink, to take drugs, or to smoke. Should they wear their seat belts? Should they wear helmets? Should they use sunscreen? The list of important decisions that our children are faced with in their teens is endless.

Death and Ritual

     I  have never liked the rituals that accompany death...the "viewings" especially.  They always struck me as creepy and morbid.  The deceased never looked quite like themselves and I couldn't imagine why people would want to remember their loved ones that way.  Even worse, there are those (including my own mother)who want photos of the person in the coffin.  Yikes!

     Growing up in a family that doesn't exactly have a reputation for longevity, I attended many funerals as a child.  And to this day, as much as I love flowers, walking into a flower shop gives me goosebumps.  To me, the smell of a generic mix of flowers is the smell of a funeral home.  While I'm not happy with this long-term effect of my childhood funeral experiences, I am glad in an overall sense that I was allowed to attend those funerals as a child.  I've met many people who never attended a funeral until adulthood and it was usually the funeral of someone very important in their lives - a parent or a sibling.  That's not the time you want to feel unprepared and creeped out.

     While I had the benefit(?) of early exposure that helped me to know what to expect and become somewhat immune to the creepiness factor, I still don't care for the funeral process.  Bu now, as a more experienced adult, I am able to better understand the need for these rituals that we put ourselves through.  In fact today, I was reminded of my early experiences with death and of the need we have for these parting rituals. Today I was reminded that no matter how much we try to protect our children, we simply can't

Baby Talk

      We all want the best for our children.  We want them to have whatever it was that we didn't have.  We want them to be healthy and happy and smart.  At some point though, we seem to have crossed a line.  Our desires for our children have become obsessive and unreasonable.

     In a recent conversation, one mother I know said that she insists that her two girls are at least one year ahead in their studies at all time.  They do the schoolwork and homework that's required for their current grade and then she drills them on next year's material.  She questioned how parent's can say to their children "Well, as long as you did your best, that's all we can ask."  "Their best?" she said incredulously, "an A is their best...there is no other best."

     These children are in third grade.  Straight A's might not be so easy a feat as they get older and school gets harder.  What then?  Therapy, that's what.  I've seen grade school children who are stressed and anxious to the point of being nearly suicidal because of the pressure to live up to their parent's expectations.  What are we doing to our children?

     Encouraging a child to do well in school is a good thing.  Requiring that they excel in everything at all costs is quite another.  What happened to wanting our kids to be happy and to enjoy their lives?  Is there no place for this?  One thing is for sure...between school and homework and lessons, there is less and less time for fun or play.

    Free play can be a wonderful outlet for a child, a way for him to explore and learn about his world and to (Read more...)

Psychiatric Disorders in Children - Is Medication the Best Answer?

     Emotional and behavioral issues in children are nothing new.  Kids have problems too and we shouldn't be surprised that they are sometimes overwhelmed and need help.  But over the last decade, psychiatric diagnoses in children have increased at an alarming rate. 

     Children are being diagnosed at earlier and earlier ages with more serious psychiatric disorders than ever before.  Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) diagnoses have led to an unprecedented number of children being medicated, some of them as early as preschool.  But children are also being labeled with more serious diagnoses such as Bipolar Disorder (not usually seen in young children) and being medicated with drugs never tested for use with children.

     What is going on here?  What's behind this increase in psychiatric diagnoses in youth?  (Read more...)

Someone To Look Up To: Role Models For Girls

       For girls, it isn't easy finding good role models these days.  The most public figures (think Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus) aren't exactly the kind of people that most parents hope their daughters will want to emulate.  Too much glitz, too little substance.

     Most of us want our daughters to grow up to be confident, happy and productive individuals - women who know who they are and who stand for something more than designer hand-bags and the right to party 'til they drop (or get arrested). 

     It seems that we parents have our work cut out for us.  If we want our daughters to have great role models, we have to go out in search of them and also to become role models ourselves.  Who can we look to for inspiration?

     There have been many women in history who are worthy of our admiration; Sojourner Truth, Harriet Tubman, Mother Teresa, Susan B. Anthony and more recently, Benazir Bhutto. 

     But if we are looking in the present, it gets more difficult.  A few names do come to mind, Hillary Clinton being one of them.  Regardless of your political persuasion, you've got to admit that she is nothing if not a strong, confident  (Read more....)

The Link Between Creative Play and Self-Control

      As parents, we all want to give our children as many opportunities as possible.  That often translates into piano lessons, Little League, ballet lessons, Kung Fu, choir...and the list goes on.  We don't mean any harm, we just don't want our kids to miss out.

     Unfortunately our kids are missing out.  We've recently begun to hear from parents, teachers, counselors and researchers that over-scheduling our children can be a problem.  But the reasons go well beyond running out of time for homework and a lack of sleep.

     It turns out that the unscheduled play time that our children are lacking is robbing them of valuable life lessons that simply can't be duplicated by violin teachers and soccer coaches.  Imaginative, or creative, play time requires children to manage their own time, evaluate options and make decisions.  In supervised activities like lessons and sports, the adults take on most of these duties.  The effect?  Children are robbed of the opportunity to develop a critical cognitive skill called "executive function."   Read more...

         

Alleviating Mom's Fears About Boy/Girl Relationships?

     Those of us who are moms worry, a lot.  It's part of the job description.  We do our best to raise our kids and to teach them right, but we still worry.  How do we know what they're doing when we're not around?  How do they treat other people?  In particular, we worry about what will happen in adolescence. Will our boys act like gentlemen or like animals?  And how do we protect our girls? Boy/girl relationships can put teens, and their parents, through their paces. But an interesting recent study suggests that, at least when it comes to the modern boy's perspective on girls, we may have less to worry about than we thought.

     The State University of New York studied 10th grade boys in an effort to learn how well they were really behaving within the context of boy/girl relationships.  It turns out that most of the boys said they chose whom to date based on how much they liked the person rather than an urge to have sex.  And when they did decide to have sex, it was most often because they were in love with their partner, not because everyone was doing it or because they were in a hurry to lose their virginity.  (Read the full, original article here.)

     Written from a fairly liberal, feminist perspective, the original article claims that feminists should be given credit for this improvement in boys attitudes.  After all, the author claims, by becoming more engaged in activities outside the home, feminist women have encouraged fathers to become more active in the home and with their children.  Here's a quote from the article:

"It's not feminists who argue that boys are mindless animals only interested in sex; no, that argument comes from your anti-feminist social conservatives, who manage to inject it into abstinence-only sex education:

One curriculum teaches that men are sexually aggressive and lack deep emotions. In a chart of the top five women’s and men’s basic needs, the curriculum lists “sexual fulfillment” and “physical attractiveness” as two of the top five “needs” in the men’s section. “Affection,” “Conversation,” “Honesty and Openness,” and “Family Commitment” are listed only as women’s needs."

     Do you agree?  Has our modeling of more balanced and egalitarian male/female relationships payed off?  Can we put our worries about how our boys are treating our girls on the back -burner?  Perhaps.  Or were most boys acting like gentlemen all along and we just didn't know it because we had all bought into the "teen-aged boy as a sexual predator" stereotype instead of finding out how boys really felt and behaved in the world?  Are the author's interpretations of this recent study accurate?  Or do you think that we still have plenty to be worried about?  Check out the full article and let us know what you think.