Between Us Girls

Taking Action to Reduce Stress

We're all familiar with stress. We know the symptoms; headaches, stomach upset, sleepless nights, irritability. And we know the causes; marital problems, job issues, parenting challenges . . . oh, and I almost forgot . . . a crashing stock market, a failing economy and a rapidly disappearing faith in a financially secure future.

So what do we do about it? There are lots of stress remedies out there and I've tried them all. Well, most of them anyway. Exercise, positive thinking, yoga, meditation . . . you name it, I've done it. While I've gotten some benefit from each, I think that I may have finally hit upon the most powerful of all. Action.

Mindfulness Meditation and Stress Reduction

 

     Stress is a given in our lives. Difficult people, time pressures, repetitive and routine tasks, financial concerns, and a lack of self-confidence are some of the most common stressors we face. But it is not the stressors themselves that cause the problem. It is the way we handle, or fail to handle them, that causes us grief.

     Meditation has long been known to assist people in dealing effectively with the stresses in their lives. It is a simple and proven method, yet few of us take advantage of it. Why? Perhaps because we see it as being much more difficult than it really is. We view it as something foreign, something that is one small part of a very complex religious or philosophical system that we may have no interest in or little time to pursue. Or, we just think it is too hard.

Why Getting Back to Nature May Prove to be the Best Therapy

      Despite the technological and medical advancements of recent history, modern life is fraught with difficulties.  It seems that the more we attempt to simplify life, the more complicated it becomes.  Our preoccupation with more, bigger, and faster is taking us further and further away from the natural rhythms that once governed human life.

     Stress, obesity and mental illnesses seem to be on the rise not just among adults, but among our children as well.  A CDC study of US children found that 2 out of 10 children are obese and that there is a direct link between the number of hours spent in front of the t.v. or computer and the amount of body fat.

     Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) has become so common that every child has at least a few classmates that suffer from it.  A whopping 90% of children diagnosed with the disorder are prescribed drugs - drugs that interfere with sleep, often cause depression and can retard physical growth by as much as 1/2" per year.  (For more on medicating children with mental disorders see my earlier post: Psychiatric Disorders in Children)

     There was a time when we rose with the sun, spent our days living and working in the natural world and rested when night fell.  In an extremely short period of time (when you consider the entire history of man) we have completely changed our way of living from  (Read more...)

Journey into the Brain - A New Take on Nirvana?

Eastern spirituality seems to be the West's largest and perhaps most important import these days.  It seems that our hard-driven, overly-ambitious ways have caught up with us and we suspect there must be a better way. 

     We have turned, in large numbers, to the techniques and practices of ancient Eastern religions in record numbers - Buddhist temples now dot the American landscape and yoga classes and meditation centers have found their way to even the most backward of regions.  We are all desperately seeking nirvana.

     But what is it that we really expect to find and how are we going to find it?  Is nirvana out there somewhere or is it within?  Do we even know what we're looking for and will we recognize it when we find it?

    So many of us are looking outward to find the things or activities that will make us happy.  What I am beginning to realize through my own experience however, is that until I am able to find some inner peace, (Read more...)

How Do You Deal With Difficult People?

     Difficult people are everywhere.  They work with you, ride the subway with you, go to the same coffee shop.  They sometimes pop up where you least expect them; at church, in a chat room, on the comments page of your favorite blogs.  Difficult people can make your life hell, but only if you let them...and oh, how we let them.  Many of us who are easy going and able to play well with others can be caught off guard by difficult people.  We would never (okay, let's say almost never) behave the way they do, and so when we find ourselves confronted with a truly difficult person, we are often unprepared and don't know quite how to respond.  We either stand there dumbfounded and speechless, or we react, without thinking first, in an equally negative and belligerent way.  Neither response makes us feel good about ourselves and suddenly, we find that we have let someone else's negativity poison us.

     How do we stop this cycle?  We'd love it if all the difficult people would just suddenly disappear, but it's not going to happen.  It all comes down to us.  We need to understand what makes people behave the way they do, understand our own reactions and then learn to apply some new strategies.  I've been working on this for quite a while, and while I certainly have not perfected it, I'll share with you what I have learned.

     Why can't we all just get along?  Well, the answer is complicated.  People behave the way they do for many reasons, but essentially, they behave the way they do because it meets their needs.  Even dysfunctional behavior usually has a function if we analyze it closely enough.  So we are left with choices of how we are going to handle difficult people in our own lives.  We have three choices:

• Walk Away - The simplest and best approach but often, the least feasible.  There are many people that we have to maintain relationships with so we need to know what makes them tick and how best to handle them. 
• Change the Other Person - Great idea if you're Dr. Phil; not so good otherwise.  Any good therapist will tell you that the only person you can change is yourself.
• Bingo!  Change Your Response - This takes some work, but the peace of mind that it will bring when you are successful is so worth it.

     To change the way we respond, we need first to understand ourselves.  Think of difficult people you know.  What is it about them that ticks you off?  How do you normally react?  How does your reaction make the situation worse?  How do you end up feeling as a result?  Being aware of your behavior is the first step to changing it. 

    I tend to have a knee-jerk reaction to certain types of difficult people.  I like to blame it on my Italian temper, but that's really just an excuse for the bad habits I've developed over the years.  I stumbled upon something at, of all places, the Delaware Corporate and Commercial Litigation blog, that summed up my tendency nicely.  Referring to a recent seminar for legal professionals on dealing with difficult people, the author said "One theme that repeats itself, but is always hard to comply with, is the need to avoid  being "baited" as well as the need to "be the adult" and not let someone pick a fight with you or lead you into a downward spiral of retaliatory behavior." Oh but sometimes that bait just looks so darn yummy; it's so very hard not to bite.  But biting is always a mistake.  I know too well.  The point is that you have to recognize your own patterns of behavior and see where they might be counterproductive.  Remember, difficult people behave the way they do because they are getting something out of behaving that way.  Their behavior meets their needs so they're not likely to change it.  The only thing left to do is to change the way you respond to it. 

     Sometimes, taking a moment to figure out where a person is coming from and what need they are trying to meet can help us to determine the best response to their behavior.   The most common motivators for bad behavior are attempts to the need for:

• power
• attention
• importance
• revenge

Various needs behind the behavior will become obvious when you know what to look for.  This information will help you to tailor your response to each type of difficult person.  But before we talk about the types of difficult people, here are some principles of behavior to remember:

• Behavior that is reinforced will continue.  In other words, if you debate rather than ignore a person who is looking for attention, you are rewarding their behavior and you can expect it to continue.
• If you consistently ignore attention-seeking behavior it will go away - but know that it will likely get worse before it gets better.
• If behavior does not produce the desired response, it will fade.
• Sometimes doing nothing is doing something.

     Now there are many types of difficult people out there and we each have our own strengths and weaknesses in dealing with the various types.  Some types may get under your skin but not bother anyone else in the room, while others may leave you unperturbed while throwing someone else into a rage.  I'll introduce what I think are the six basic types and then we'll go into more detail on the first type.  The other five will be discussed in detail in my next few posts.

     Here is a summary of the six most common types of difficult people.  As I describe each one, think about who would drive you the craziest and if there is anyone in your life right now that you could attach this label to:

1. "The Dictator" - a person who rules by subjugation.  He will frequently employ put-downs and angry outbursts to gain or maintain control.  He is unwilling to entertain any ideas that conflict with his own.
2. "The Backstabber" - She will be pleasant to your face but attack you from behind with criticism, false rumors and other nasty stuff.  If confronted, she will smile and deny, deny, deny.
3. "The Avoider" - he will refuse to cooperate, offer no information unless under duress and will often respond with "I don't know."
4. "The Know-It-All" - She will present her own opinions as facts using a tone of authority or outright condescension.  She leaves little room for discussion and minimizes others comments.
5. "The Waffler" - He stalls for time when asked for information or input.  He likes to be liked and doesn't want to commit until he knows where everyone else stands.  He may be indecisive and/or agree to things and back out later.
6. "The Fault Finder" - She is hyper-critical, complains endlessly, has a list of why things can't be done and lays blame anywhere but on herself.

     Recognize anyone?  Which type really pushes your buttons?  You probably found that you had a much stronger reaction to one or two than you did to the others.  And if you're honest, you may have recognized yourself in one of those like I did.  Face it, we can all be difficult at times.  But for some, it is a way of life. I'm sure that you have, or still are, dealing with one or more of the types and will need to know how best to respond to them.

      For today though, let's start with the first one the "Dictator."  The "Dictator" is motivated by the need for power and prestige.  He is out to prove himself and gain everyone's admiration and attempts to do so, not by earning everyone's admiration, but by trying to beat it out of them.  Think about the gang-banger who complains about being disrespected.  Even a small amount of psychological insight can uncover the lack of confidence and low self-esteem that underlies this kind of behavior.  But remember, we're not doing therapy here.  We are just trying to understand why this person acts as he does so we can deal with him more effectively.  First, our list of what not to do:

• Don't walk away - you'll be perceived as weak by this person and they will continue to pursue you.
• Don't argue aggressively - it will just add fuel to the fire.
• Don't take their anger personally - it isn't really about you.  It's all about the "Dictator's" feelings of inadequacy.

     So what should we do?  Try a little understanding and then try to meet this person's needs in a way that is not detrimental to you.  Don't misunderstand me.  You do not want to cater to this person and simply submit to their will.  They will lose any and all respect for you.  But you also don't want to escalate things into an unwinnable argument.  A polite but firm response is what's required.  Be clear, calm and firm while still allowing the person to feel right, knowledgeable and respected.  This is a very difficult balance to achieve.  But it can be done.

      The first step is to take a deep breath and calm yourself.  The second to remember where this person is coming from and the feelings of inadequacy that are behind his behavior.  Then, if it helps (and I think it does), feel a little sorry for the poor bugger and throw him a bone.  Let him feel that his input is valuable and that he does have some control, without caving in to him totally.  Think, 50's housewife.  She made all of the decisions but sometimes let her husband think that he was in charge.

     I realize that this is easier said than done.  It takes a lot of self-control, a lot of thought and practice.  But you will find as I have, that it works (when you remember to do it).  It takes time to put these strategies to work in our lives and unless you're the Dalai Lama, you won't always be successful.  But even if you manage to put these tips into practice just some of the time, think of the aggravation it will save you.

     Remember what I said earlier, difficult people can make our lives hell, but only if we let them. Steve Pavalina on his blog about personal development used the Buddha's words to sum that concept up nicely.  He related a story about the Buddha "'where a verbally abusive man came to see him and starting hurling insults. But the Buddha just sat there calmly. Finally the man asked the Buddha why he failed to respond to the insults and abuse. The Buddha replied, “If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?” If someone is irrational, abusive, etc., you can mentally decline to accept “the gift.” Let that person keep their anger and insanity, and don’t let it affect you.'"  Nicely said.  Decline the "gift" offered to you by difficult people and you'll find yourself to be a more peaceful and happier person.  Check my next post for tips on dealing with the "Back Stabber."  Meanwhile, try out what we've talked about today and let me know how it works for you.  Feel free to post any thoughts or anecdotes in my comments section.

Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing

     Everybody worries, some of us more than others.  I've been a worrier all of my life.  In fact, I come from a long line of worriers.  It's quite normal to worry really and it can even serve a purpose.  Concern about the consequences of our actions or future events can motivate us to act responsibly and to plan.  There's nothing wrong with that, is there?  Nope, there isn't...unless you take it too far.

     For some of us, worry becomes an obsession.  We practice it with such skill and frequency that we elevate it to an art form.  Spending so much of our time and energy on worry unfortunately doesn't allow time for much else.  This type of chronic, obsessive worry is often referred to as rumination; dwelling and mulling over past errors and fretting over the possibility of more to come.  Rumination can frazzle our nerves, test the patience of our loved ones and make us, and everyone around us, miserable.

     In Martin Seligman's book, "Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life," he describes how rumination occurs when we dwell on, mull over and relive negative events.  In essence, we are worrying endlessly about things we can do nothing to change.  In fact, claims Seligman, women have a much greater tendency toward rumination than do men.  Men tend to act (kick the dog, punch a hole in the wall or shoot some hoops to distract themselves) while women tend to think (and brood and obsess and question why).  A woman's tendency to ruminate also adds to the likelihood that she will develop depression.  Women are, in fact, twice as likely to suffer from depression as are men.

     What makes a person become a ruminator?  There are probably a myriad of causes including the behavior modeled by our parents, the number and frequency of failures we've experienced and others.  There is some research being done at Yale University that suggests that it may even be an inherited tendency.  When I look at my own family tree, I would be inclined to agree.  So, to put it simply, we don't know exactly what causes some of us to ruminate, but we know that it is bad for us.  So can we change this?  And if so, how do we go about it?  I'm glad that you asked.

     Changing this type of behavior is never easy, but there are things that you can do.  The first step is to recognize that you have the tendency to ruminate and to decide to do something about it.  That accomplished, you need to do a little spying on yourself and actually catch yourself in the act.  In "The Power of Optimism," Alan McGinnis suggest catching yourself thinking negative thoughts and taking a moment to evaluate them.  Are they productive?  Are your perceptions realistic or are you exaggerating?  What evidence is there to back up your negative thoughts?  For example, does your recent failure to please your boss with progress on a particular project mean that you have screwed up big time, that you always screw up, that you'll never be able to fix this, that you are a complete and utter failure?  A little critical analysis will usually lay waste to these types of catastrophic conclusions.

     But these thoughts have a way of intruding anyway.  To really get rid of them you have to distract yourself and replace these thoughts with more positive ones or with some engaging activity.  You might want to put off thinking about the negative stuff running through your mind until you get home, or write it down in a notebook so you can dwell on it later.  Then you'll need to make use of a prepared mental list of distracting activities or positive thoughts that you can whip out in an emergency.  Take time to find an inspirational quote that you can recite to yourself or a phrase such as "I'm not perfect and I don't have to be" or "This too shall pass" or whatever floats your boat.  You can sing an uplifting or favorite song to yourself or suddenly find the button on your shirt so fascinating that you are distracted by examining it in detail.  Sounds ridiculous but these things can work and sometimes make you laugh at yourself in the process.

    Loretta LaRoche wrote a wonderful little book called "Relax - You May Only Have a Few Minutes Left: Using the Power of Humor to Overcome Stress in Your Life and Work."  In it, she says that laughter reduces blood pressure, relieves muscle tension, encourages deeper breathing and boosts your immune system.  She also has some great ideas for injecting humor into not-so-amusing situations.  So the next time your driving yourself crazy with worry, try distracting yourself with something goofy.  Even force yourself to make a silly face or put a huge ridiculous grin on your face (although you shouldn't do this in the middle of the discussion with your boss).  See how it goes; you just might break that negative thought pattern and give yourself a laugh in the process.  Let me know if it works or if you have any other worry-busting ideas

Yoga and Stress

     I ordered a new yoga dvd the other day and I was so excited to try it out.  I exercise a lot, but usually stick to aerobics, stepping, weights and the like.  I do it partly to keep myself healthy (I have many genetic predispositions that make exercise a must) and partly to stay sane.  I find that, no matter how much I don't feel like exercising, I feel better when I do, both mentally and physically.  I also occasionally slip in a yoga workout when I have time.  Yoga can be very relaxing.  It encourages me to focus on my breathing, the alignment of not just my body, but my body, mind and spirit and it improves circulation and flexibility.  It also seems to help me to stay in the present moment rather than thinking of all of the things I haven't done, still have to do, wished I didn't have to do, yada, yada, yada.  It really is almost impossible to think about all of that stuff when you are busy trying to twist your body into a shape that looks more like a snack food than anything human.

    So anyway, while I know little about yoga, I do enjoy the dvd's I already have and figured it was about time for a new one.  This new dvd is a vinyasa-style yoga workout.  Vinyasa, hatha, power yoga, whatever - it sounded good to me.  Well, it turns out that there is a lot to know about yoga and I know even less than I thought.  Not really sure what the heck was going on in this vinyasa-style dvd (it looked more like a combination of modern and pole dancing than it did yoga), I decided perhaps I'd better look into this yoga thing.  There is a wealth of information on-line of course, and through it I learned that there are many branches of yoga, just one of which focuses on the combination of breathing and asanas (physical postures).  Within this one branch of yoga that focuses on the physical postures there are many variations.  What I was familiar with was hatha yoga - a form that stresses breathing combined with physical postures that are moved into slowly and held for a period of time.  Vinyasa yoga involves almost constant movement, flowing from one pose into another.  Within the vinyasa-style yoga category there are several varieties as well.  The one I had chosen was designed to keep the body moving slowly and gracefully in a manner akin to waves - ocean waves, sound waves, etc.  Ahhhhhhhhhh........sounds relaxing doesn't it?  Well, it wasn't what I was expecting.  I am trying to keep an open mind though and to give the dvd another shot or two before I package it back up and return it.  If I get the hang of it, it might prove to be useful.  It just doesn't look promising so far.  All those rippling, curving and arching movements don't come naturally to my stiff, middle-aged spine.  But it never hurts to try right?  Well honestly, it does hurt a bit, but I'm hoping it will get easier.

     Well, what have I learned from this?  The practice of yoga can be a powerful way of improving strength, flexibility and the ability to relax.  It can help us to build a better mind-body awareness also.  But there are as many types of yoga as there are people and to really get anything out of it, I may need to learn more.  If you're interested in learning more also there are many good yoga books to check out.  There are also yoga magazines with Yoga Journal being the most familiar.  See the sidebar under RESOURCES for a list of helpful websites too.

    

Knit Therapy: Stress Relief May Just be a Stitch Away

     Except for a failed crochet experience more than a decade ago (an overly-ambitious first project that resulted in an unwearable black cardigan with sleeves of significantly different lengths), I've never really given "needlecraft" a second thought.  Recently though, I read a book called The Knitting Circle (The Knitting Circle at Amazon); a wonderful and touching novel about a woman who suffers a horrible loss and finds solace in a place she never expected...a local yarn shop and a women's knitting circle full of non stereotypical members.  The main character works through her sorrow, forms new and meaningful friendships and discovers an unexpected means of alleviating the stress and anxiety that threatens to consume her, all with the help of some needles and yarn.  It got me to thinking, as many books do. Maybe knitting isn't just for Grandmothers anymore.  Maybe there is something to this recent resurgence in the popularity of what is usually perceived as an "old lady hobby."  Why are women of all ages being drawn to knitting?  What do they know that I don't?  Of all things, could knitting be the answer to my stress management problems?

     Desperate for a creative outlet and a way of burning off some of the neurotic anxiety that has plagued me all of my life, I decided to give it a try.  In the process of buying some knitting needles and learning the basic stitches, I met a few knitters, all of whom described their reasons for knitting in surprisingly similar terms.  "It's like mental yoga," said a lovely young college professor that I met at one store, "It's very soothing....it takes your mind off of other things."  Others have described knitting as "relaxing", "almost spiritual" and "something that I can think about and not really think about at the same time."  Almost all of them, young and old, claim that knitting is "addictive." Now, of course, as with all things there is a bit of a learning curve.  And, just like anything new that you are learning, it can be frustrating in the beginning.  But when you start to get the hang of it and develop a little bit of a rhythm, it truly does become meditative.  I've learned a lot in my first few months of knitting.  Unwilling to give up out of "newbie" frustration, I've developed a little bit of patience.  For me, that's quite an accomplishment as patience is definitely not one of my strengths.  Along with that has come perseverance, as I've wrestled with four double pointed needles at once in my first attempt at knitting preemie hats.  All in all, it has been a positive experience.  I have learned that I can do things I never thought I would be able to do just by sticking with it long enough, having patience with myself and trusting the learning process. 

     We do live in stressful times and many of us are searching desperately for ways to relieve some of that stress.  There are many stress management techniques out there to try.  Some of us run or incorporate other forms of exercise into our lives, some of us learn to meditate or twist ourselves into yoga poses.  Sometimes we choose downright unhealthy ways of managing stress, like drinking, smoking or consuming chocolate by the bagful, only to create new problems with our ineffective attempts to eliminate others.  I've tried some of these (although not the drinking and the smoking, thank goodness).  I exercise and eat chocolate every day without fail, but it isn't quite enough.  So now, I knit.  And I have found it to be quite addictive.  That's how I know it's working.  I feel anxious now when I don't have a knitting project going. When I'm knitting, I lose track of time and I'm simply unable to focus on my worries.  There are twisted and dropped stitches to concern myself with; stitch patterns to follow; rows to count.  I can't possibly keep track of all of that and wallow in self-pity at the same time.  And, unlike other stress relieving activities, this one actually results in a useful product.  Thanks to my anxieties and neuroses, my kids have warm wool scarves and hats to wear this winter and my mom has a great new mohair and silk scarf to dress up her leather jacket. Who knew that an age-old method of making useful articles from two sticks and some string could be so beneficial to my modern, stress-filled life?  I certainly didn't.

     So, is knitting your answer?  There's only one way to know for sure.  Pick up those needles and give it a try.  There are are a lot of great books out there and also websites that can help to get you started.  And if you're really lucky, you'll find a few new friends loitering around the local yarn shop as well.  If you're intrigued by the idea, check out www.knittinghelp.com for beginners tips including video instructions on basic and advanced stitches.  It's a great help and often easier to watch someone do a stitch than to learn it through diagrams in a book.  They also have free patterns, as do many other sites.  But books are also a great resource that you can carry with you for reference when you are ready to take your knitting out on the road; to your daughter's soccer practice or your son's piano lesson.  Stitch'n Bitch - The Knitters Handbook (Stitch'n Bitch at Amazon) by Debbie Stoller is my favorite.  It's an easy-to-learn-from book written with a sense of humor (a good sense of humor comes in handy when you're a frustrated beginner).  Another great book is Knitting in Plain English by Maggie Righetti (Knitting in Plain English at Amazon).  There are loads of other knitting sites and books to try but these will give you a good start. So, if you are still searching for that something that can help you relax and maybe teach you a few life lessons along the way, give it a shot.  The results might surprise you.  Let me know how it works out.