The Art of Listening

      It's true that having ears is a prerequisite for hearing, but simply having the appropriate equipment is not enough.  Ears allow us to hear, but listening is something far greater than that; it is what happens when we choose to sit up and take notice.

     Another way to put it is that hearing is a passive process.  We might hear the train off in the distance while we also hear the sizzle in our saute pan and our child telling us about the most recent episode of their favorite cartoon.  We may hear all of this but at the same time not really be aware of most of it. 

     The sounds that we are truly aware of are those to which we choose to listen.  Listening is an active process.  We make a conscious choice to attend to the sounds, to label them, categorize them, evaluate and analyze.  We put some effort into the process.

     With the myriad of noises that bombard our senses, we have all become very adept at filtering out much of the noise.  If we tried to attend to every sound we would quickly lose our minds.  But we may have become too good at ignoring some of the sounds that we hear.  We all know how frustrating it can be to speak and feel like we are not being heard (see my prior post on "How to Speak and be Heard" ).  While we can all find ways to communicate more effectively, we need to have a person on the other end who is ready to listen.  As the old saying goes, "you get what you give" in this life.  Becoming a better listener models the art of listening for others and one can only hope that they will eventually return the favor.

     So, how do we become better listeners?  First we have to put our own thoughts on the back burner, stop thinking about what we want to say next, and focus ourselves on the person who is speaking.  This is harder than it sounds, but a few simple rules can help.

Six Rules for Active Listening

1. Eye Contact:  Simply put, look at the person who is talking to you.  There is no easier way to focus your attention on something than to fix your gaze upon it.  Similarly, there is no better way to tell someone that you don't want to listen than by refusing to look at them.  For example, I know for certain that my husband won't remember a word of what I'm saying when, although claiming to be listening, he continues to stare at the t.v. while turning up the volume.
2. Facing the Speaker:   Turn your entire body toward the speaker.  Looking over your shoulder while you continue to face the computer and type on the keyboard is not active listening.
3. Suspend Judgment:  Put your efforts into trying to figure out what the speaker actually means rather than searching for clues that fit your theory of what you think they mean.
4. Don't Interrupt:   This can be very hard to put into practice - I am guilty of it myself.  But waiting for a person to finish speaking before you jump in is essential to understanding the person's message. (I wrote about how frustrating it was dealing with a doctor who broke rules 3 and 4 in "Doctor as Detective:  Why Patients May Need to Get a Clue."
5. Ask Questions:  Asking questions (relevant questions, when the person finishes their sentence of course) is a good way to show that you are interested and to gather more information that allows you to better understand the speaker's position or point.
6. Summarize or Re-Phrase:  You have no doubt heard this done and may think of it as "shrink-speak."  Therapists use this technique frequently while listening to patients, not because they like to annoy people, but because it is an excellent tool for making certain that you are hearing and understanding someone.  Take a few points that the person has made, put them into your own words and summarize what you think the person is trying to get across.  It might sound like this:  "So what I hear you saying is that you are frustrated with me when I look at the t.v. while you're talking because it makes you feel like I don't care about what you have to say...is that right?"  It's a great way to clarify what is being said and to make the speaker feel understood.

     The six rules above can be easily implemented by all of us and can have a profound impact on the quality of our communications with others.  Of course, life isn't perfect and neither are we.  There will be times when we just can't be the best listeners.  Rather than phoning it in and pretending to listen, the people who are clamoring for our attention at inopportune times will feel much better if we simply say  "I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of something and I can't really give you my full attention right now.  I want to hear what you're saying but how about you tell me after I get (dinner on the table, off the phone, home from work...etc.).

    Listening actively, when we are able to do so, is a gift to those who have something to say and to ourselves as well.  Relationships with others can only be made better by good communication skills. 

     Do you have something to say?  In the words of Dr. Frasier Crane, "I'm listening."  Please post a comment if you'd like your voice to be heard.

Comments

[Shilpan]

Lori,

Another great post. I've found that some of the best communicators have perfected the art of listening. It is again germane to knowing what someone wants and actively trying to put their interest at heart rather than engaging my mind into what I should say next. Listening is the most essential skill when it comes to customer service. I have an article related to that -

http://www.successsoul.com/2008/03/24/7-tips-to-create-loyal-customers/

Please let me know what you think as I always appreciate your opinion.

Thanks
Shilpan

[Lori@betweenusgirls]

Shilpan,

Thanks! You are so right...there is a direct correlation between the art of listening and good customer service.

Anyone who wants a clear and concise guide to building a business through great customer service should check out Shilpan's article:http://www.successsoul.com/2008/03/24/7-tips-to-create-loyal-customers/

[Jennifer]

Lori,
That was an outstanding post! Recently, I decided to start making an effort to make each person I am around or in contact with to feel like they are the most important person in the world. When I keep that as my guide all these rules you listed just seem to take care of themselves.

Silpan,
I really enjoyed your article as well. All the outstanding companies break all their rules to make a customer feel special.