Difficult people are everywhere. They work with you, ride the subway with you, go to the same coffee shop. They sometimes pop up where you least expect them; at church, in a chat room, on the comments page of your favorite blogs. Difficult people can make your life hell, but only if you let them...and oh, how we let them. Many of us who are easy going and able to play well with others can be caught off guard by difficult people. We would never (okay, let's say almost never) behave the way they do, and so when we find ourselves confronted with a truly difficult person, we are often unprepared and don't know quite how to respond. We either stand there dumbfounded and speechless, or we react, without thinking first, in an equally negative and belligerent way. Neither response makes us feel good about ourselves and suddenly, we find that we have let someone else's negativity poison us.
How do we stop this cycle? We'd love it if all the difficult people would just suddenly disappear, but it's not going to happen. It all comes down to us. We need to understand what makes people behave the way they do, understand our own reactions and then learn to apply some new strategies. I've been working on this for quite a while, and while I certainly have not perfected it, I'll share with you what I have learned.
Why can't we all just get along? Well, the answer is complicated. People behave the way they do for many reasons, but essentially, they behave the way they do because it meets their needs. Even dysfunctional behavior usually has a function if we analyze it closely enough. So we are left with choices of how we are going to handle difficult people in our own lives. We have three choices:
- Walk Away - The simplest and best approach but often, the least feasible. There are many people that we have to maintain relationships with so we need to know what makes them tick and how best to handle them.
- Change the Other Person - Great idea if you're Dr. Phil; not so good otherwise. Any good therapist will tell you that the only person you can change is yourself.
- Bingo! Change Your Response - This takes some work, but the peace of mind that it will bring when you are successful is so worth it.
To change the way we respond, we need first to understand ourselves. Think of difficult people you know. What is it about them that ticks you off? How do you normally react? How does your reaction make the situation worse? How do you end up feeling as a result? Being aware of your behavior is the first step to changing it.
I tend to have a knee-jerk reaction to certain types of difficult people. I like to blame it on my Italian temper, but that's really just an excuse for the bad habits I've developed over the years. I stumbled upon something at, of all places, the Delaware Corporate and Commercial Litigation blog, that summed up my tendency nicely. Referring to a recent seminar for legal professionals on dealing with difficult people, the author said "One theme that repeats itself, but is always hard to comply with, is the need to avoid being "baited" as well as the need to "be the adult" and not let someone pick a fight with you or lead you into a downward spiral of retaliatory behavior." Oh but sometimes that bait just looks so darn yummy; it's so very hard not to bite. But biting is always a mistake. I know too well. The point is that you have to recognize your own patterns of behavior and see where they might be counterproductive. Remember, difficult people behave the way they do because they are getting something out of behaving that way. Their behavior meets their needs so they're not likely to change it. The only thing left to do is to change the way you respond to it.
Sometimes, taking a moment to figure out where a person is coming from and what need they are trying to meet can help us to determine the best response to their behavior. The most common motivators for bad behavior are attempts to the need for:
- power
- attention
- importance
- revenge
Various needs behind the behavior will become obvious when you know what to look for. This information will help you to tailor your response to each type of difficult person. But before we talk about the types of difficult people, here are some principles of behavior to remember:
- Behavior that is reinforced will continue. In other words, if you debate rather than ignore a person who is looking for attention, you are rewarding their behavior and you can expect it to continue.
- If you consistently ignore attention-seeking behavior it will go away - but know that it will likely get worse before it gets better.
- If behavior does not produce the desired response, it will fade.
- Sometimes doing nothing is doing something.
Now there are many types of difficult people out there and we each have our own strengths and weaknesses in dealing with the various types. Some types may get under your skin but not bother anyone else in the room, while others may leave you unperturbed while throwing someone else into a rage. I'll introduce what I think are the six basic types and then we'll go into more detail on the first type. The other five will be discussed in detail in my next few posts.
Here is a summary of the six most common types of difficult people. As I describe each one, think about who would drive you the craziest and if there is anyone in your life right now that you could attach this label to:
- "The Dictator" - a person who rules by subjugation. He will frequently employ put-downs and angry outbursts to gain or maintain control. He is unwilling to entertain any ideas that conflict with his own.
- "The Backstabber" - She will be pleasant to your face but attack you from behind with criticism, false rumors and other nasty stuff. If confronted, she will smile and deny, deny, deny.
- "The Avoider" - he will refuse to cooperate, offer no information unless under duress and will often respond with "I don't know."
- "The Know-It-All" - She will present her own opinions as facts using a tone of authority or outright condescension. She leaves little room for discussion and minimizes others comments.
- "The Waffler" - He stalls for time when asked for information or input. He likes to be liked and doesn't want to commit until he knows where everyone else stands. He may be indecisive and/or agree to things and back out later.
- "The Fault Finder" - She is hyper-critical, complains endlessly, has a list of why things can't be done and lays blame anywhere but on herself.
Recognize anyone? Which type really pushes your buttons? You probably found that you had a much stronger reaction to one or two than you did to the others. And if you're honest, you may have recognized yourself in one of those like I did. Face it, we can all be difficult at times. But for some, it is a way of life. I'm sure that you have, or still are, dealing with one or more of the types and will need to know how best to respond to them.
For today though, let's start with the first one the "Dictator." The "Dictator" is motivated by the need for power and prestige. He is out to prove himself and gain everyone's admiration and attempts to do so, not by earning everyone's admiration, but by trying to beat it out of them. Think about the gang-banger who complains about being disrespected. Even a small amount of psychological insight can uncover the lack of confidence and low self-esteem that underlies this kind of behavior. But remember, we're not doing therapy here. We are just trying to understand why this person acts as he does so we can deal with him more effectively. First, our list of what not to do:
- Don't walk away - you'll be perceived as weak by this person and they will continue to pursue you.
- Don't argue aggressively - it will just add fuel to the fire.
- Don't take their anger personally - it isn't really about you. It's all about the "Dictator's" feelings of inadequacy.
So what should we do? Try a little understanding and then try to meet this person's needs in a way that is not detrimental to you. Don't misunderstand me. You do not want to cater to this person and simply submit to their will. They will lose any and all respect for you. But you also don't want to escalate things into an unwinnable argument. A polite but firm response is what's required. Be clear, calm and firm while still allowing the person to feel right, knowledgeable and respected. This is a very difficult balance to achieve. But it can be done.
The first step is to take a deep breath and calm yourself. The second to remember where this person is coming from and the feelings of inadequacy that are behind his behavior. Then, if it helps (and I think it does), feel a little sorry for the poor bugger and throw him a bone. Let him feel that his input is valuable and that he does have some control, without caving in to him totally. Think, 50's housewife. She made all of the decisions but sometimes let her husband think that he was in charge.
I realize that this is easier said than done. It takes a lot of self-control, a lot of thought and practice. But you will find as I have, that it works (when you remember to do it). It takes time to put these strategies to work in our lives and unless you're the Dalai Lama, you won't always be successful. But even if you manage to put these tips into practice just some of the time, think of the aggravation it will save you.
Remember what I said earlier, difficult people can make our lives hell, but only if we let them. Steve Pavalina on his blog about personal development used the Buddha's words to sum that concept up nicely. He related a story about the Buddha "'where a verbally abusive man came to see him and starting hurling insults. But the Buddha just sat there calmly. Finally the man asked the Buddha why he failed to respond to the insults and abuse. The Buddha replied, “If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?” If someone is irrational, abusive, etc., you can mentally decline to accept “the gift.” Let that person keep their anger and insanity, and don’t let it affect you.'" Nicely said. Decline the "gift" offered to you by difficult people and you'll find yourself to be a more peaceful and happier person. Check my next post for tips on dealing with the "Back Stabber." Meanwhile, try out what we've talked about today and let me know how it works for you. Feel free to post any thoughts or anecdotes in my comments section.
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