Between Us Girls

5 Tips for Harnessing the Power of Your Words

No one would deny the power of words, but like all powerful tools, words can be used for good or evil. And sometimes, our failure to use our words carefully can hurt others and our relationships with them.

We've all had experiences with people who purposely use words as weapons, but we've also known those whose simple lack of ability to think before they speak unwittingly leads them to embarrass themselves or offend others.

I was reminded of this quality recently by the story of a friend of mine. A friend of a friend had recently become a non-friend because of her tendency to have whatever thoughts entered her mind immediately spill out of her mouth. I was sad to hear it, but not terribly surprised. When I first met the woman she had reminded me of an old, no-longer-friend of my own who was too quick to share her opinions and criticism. This old friend taught me some painful, but very valuable lessons. Thanks to my experiences with her, I had seen the writing on the wall early on with this new friend of a friend and had chosen to steer clear. Whew!

While we all make mistakes from time to time and occasionally say or do the wrong thing, some of us, like the woman in the example above, consistently make the tactical error of not thinking before we speak.

How You Can Fight Materialism and Win

This post is the third in a series on the dangers of materialism.

An unchecked focus on materialistic values can cause so much harm to us personally, to our relationships with others and to the ecosphere as a whole. In“The Scourge of Materialism” we learned that materialistic people are generally less happy and more likely to act in socially and environmentally damaging ways. In “The Costs of Materialism” we took a more in-depth look at the personal, social and ecological costs of materialism.

The result? We know that materialistic values are not congruent with a psychologically, socially and ecologically healthy way of life. But what, if anything, can we do about it? Living in a society that is built on the drive toward material gain, how can we manage to live a life based on more pro-social values? Is it even possible? 

The Cost of Materialism

This is the second post in a three part series on the dangers of materialism. For an introduction to the subject, please read “The Scourge of Materialism.”

Our society has centered itself around materialistic pursuits. We place a high value on financial success, social status and the many symbols that represent both. Quite often, we push the people and activities that we love onto the back burner as we pursue the better job, the bigger house, the shinier car.

But these symbols of success have a price and we're not just talking about money. The costs of materialism are far broader than that. Their impact extends well beyond our bank accounts to our personal

Domestic Violence Rages On

     One of my guiding principles in life is that, oftentimes, no news is good news.  But I don't mean that in the usual way.  What I mean is that, if you really want to be happy, don't watch the news. 

     Don't misunderstand me...I like to be informed.  I don't want to be completely ignorant of what is happening in the world around me.  But there is so much going on that is so unpleasant and that I have no control over, that sometimes, not watching the news is the best option.  In fact, therapists will often recommend this to patients who are anxiety-ridden or depressed.  Being bombarded with messages of doom and gloom over which you have no control is enough to drive anyone to the brink of suicide.

     Occasionally though, I forget.  The other day, I tore myself away from the computer, made myself some lunch and sat down in front of the t.v. to enjoy it.  It was exactly 12 noon, so of course the noon news was just beginning.  By nine minutes past the hour I had heard about a fire that gutted someone's home, an accident involving two trucks, a robbery or two, a home invasion, another fire, and two stories about two separate men in two separate places in our viewing area beating women with baseball bats. Not one positive story to give me any hope that life was still worth  (Read more...)

The Art of Listening

      It's true that having ears is a prerequisite for hearing, but simply having the appropriate equipment is not enough.  Ears allow us to hear, but listening is something far greater than that; it is what happens when we choose to sit up and take notice.

     Another way to put it is that hearing is a passive process.  We might hear the train off in the distance while we also hear the sizzle in our saute pan and our child telling us about the most recent episode of their favorite cartoon.  We may hear all of this but at the same time not really be aware of most of it. 

     The sounds that we are truly aware of are those to which we choose to listen.  Listening is an active process.  We make a conscious choice to attend to the sounds, (Read more...)

How to Deal With Difficult People: The "Fault-Finder"

                                                                      Out of all of the difficult people that we encounter, the "Fault-Finder" can be one of the most frustrating.  This is the chronic complainer, the blamer, the negative thinker who can shoot down any idea or option with a single bullet.

     I am well-acquainted with the "Fault-Finder" because I have been accused of being one myself (an accusation with which I beg to differ, of course).  True, like the "Fault-Finder" I have a tendency to see why something can't happen or won't work more readily than to see why it might...but for a born-pessimist like myself it takes significant effort to change thought patterns like these.  I'm finding it to be worth the effort though.  Why?  Well, I'm becoming a happier person, not to mention a far less annoying one.  (For more on pessimism, optimism and happiness read The Pursuit of Happiness)

     So, now we know that a pessimistic attitude may be behind fault-finding behavior.  But what might this behavior look like?  How do we recognize him among our friends, family or even within ourselves?   (Read more....)

How Do You Deal With Difficult People?: The "Know-It-All"

     Of all of the types of difficult people that are out there, the "Know-It-All" is perhaps my least favorite.  Like the "Dictator" and the "Back-Stabber", they are motivated by power and personal gain; they just go about getting what they want in a different way.

     How do you recognize a "Know-It-All?"  They are the people who present what is really only their opinion as though it is a statement of fact.  They often speak with a condescending tone and may come across as professorial or down-right arrogant.  "Know-It-Alls" tend to ignore, minimize or contradict the opinions of others.  They may patiently wait until you stop talking, ignore everything you've said and just go on presenting their own theory.  Sometimes their body language can also be dismissive.  A wave of the hand or a shaking of the head and a puzzled look on their faces all let you know that, as far as they are concerned, your statements are uninformed and unimportant and you clearly need to stop talking and listen while they clear things up for you.

     Conversations with a "Know-It-All" can be tiresome, annoying and even insulting.  But going toe-to-toe with them and trying to prove that your expertise is superior to theirs is a mistake.  It is simply a no-win situation because the "Know-It-All" isn't likely to listen to your arguments no matter how well-reasoned and sound.  The "Know-It-All" isn't about listening, he or she is more interested in lecturing. 

     Shutting down or caving is isn't the best answer either.  Reacting this way just assures the "Know-It-All" that he is right, he does know better than you and he will persist in trying to "educate" you.  The best approach is to firmly but calmly stand your ground.  Speak with confidence as to facts that you are sure of and when the "Know-It-All" makes a point that you can agree with, do so.  Offer a "You're right" or an "I agree with you that..." when you can.  It allows the "Know-It-All" to feel respected and tends to pacify them a bit so they may stop trying so hard to prove their point. 

     It really is an exercise in futility to argue with a "Know-It-All."  Unless you enjoy having your intelligence insulted or being spoken to in a condescending way, you simply need to extricate yourself as quickly as possible from the conversation.  In essence, your goal should be to firmly but respectfully state your position, while acknowledging or agreeing with them on any point where you are able, in an effort to change or end the conversation as soon as possible.

     Do you have a "Know-It-All" in your life?  Post a comment and let us know how you deal with the "Know-It-All" in your life.

Alleviating Mom's Fears About Boy/Girl Relationships?

     Those of us who are moms worry, a lot.  It's part of the job description.  We do our best to raise our kids and to teach them right, but we still worry.  How do we know what they're doing when we're not around?  How do they treat other people?  In particular, we worry about what will happen in adolescence. Will our boys act like gentlemen or like animals?  And how do we protect our girls? Boy/girl relationships can put teens, and their parents, through their paces. But an interesting recent study suggests that, at least when it comes to the modern boy's perspective on girls, we may have less to worry about than we thought.

     The State University of New York studied 10th grade boys in an effort to learn how well they were really behaving within the context of boy/girl relationships.  It turns out that most of the boys said they chose whom to date based on how much they liked the person rather than an urge to have sex.  And when they did decide to have sex, it was most often because they were in love with their partner, not because everyone was doing it or because they were in a hurry to lose their virginity.  (Read the full, original article here.)

     Written from a fairly liberal, feminist perspective, the original article claims that feminists should be given credit for this improvement in boys attitudes.  After all, the author claims, by becoming more engaged in activities outside the home, feminist women have encouraged fathers to become more active in the home and with their children.  Here's a quote from the article:

"It's not feminists who argue that boys are mindless animals only interested in sex; no, that argument comes from your anti-feminist social conservatives, who manage to inject it into abstinence-only sex education:

One curriculum teaches that men are sexually aggressive and lack deep emotions. In a chart of the top five women’s and men’s basic needs, the curriculum lists “sexual fulfillment” and “physical attractiveness” as two of the top five “needs” in the men’s section. “Affection,” “Conversation,” “Honesty and Openness,” and “Family Commitment” are listed only as women’s needs."

     Do you agree?  Has our modeling of more balanced and egalitarian male/female relationships payed off?  Can we put our worries about how our boys are treating our girls on the back -burner?  Perhaps.  Or were most boys acting like gentlemen all along and we just didn't know it because we had all bought into the "teen-aged boy as a sexual predator" stereotype instead of finding out how boys really felt and behaved in the world?  Are the author's interpretations of this recent study accurate?  Or do you think that we still have plenty to be worried about?  Check out the full article and let us know what you think.

How Do You Deal With Difficult People - The "Avoider"

     Difficult people pop up here and there in our lives and some are tougher to handle than others.  It depends upon the situation and what pushes your particular buttons.  In prior posts, I've discussed the "Dictator" and the "Back-Stabber."  Now it's time to meet the third in our series; the "Avoider."

     The "Avoider" can seem harmless enough much of the time.  She will tend to refrain from too much commentary and keep her opinions to herself.  Having a conversation with an "Avoider" is like pulling teeth.  It can be frustrating and awkward to deal with such a person, but when you need to rely on an "Avoider" for information or cooperation, that feeling of awkwardness becomes the least of your problems.

     The "Avoider" typically says little until they are pressed and then often responds with monosyllables, or "I don't know," I'm not really sure," "I've never really thought about it."  What, besides shyness or a lack of social skills, causes someone to interact in this way?  "Avoiders" are often motivated by the need to be liked and to fit in.  They are fearful of standing out and drawing attention to themselves and they may be very uncomfortable with any level of conflict.  If you find yourself needing to work with, interview or rely on the participation or cooperative efforts of an "Avoider," you need to know how to break through that wall of silence.

     Remember that what this person is really afraid of is rejection.  You may need to be more delicate with them and gently draw them out.  Say or do whatever you can to assure them that their input is valued and respected and try to create a supportive atmosphere rather than a competitive, hostile one.   The "Avoider" needs to feel safe with you. Changing your own communication style may also be needed.  Don't rescue the "Avoider."  When they are asked for information or their opinion and they remain silent...don't jump in and fill the dead air for them.  Wait them out.  Let the discomfort of the silence work on them until they feel compelled to fill the dead air.  Another key to communicating with "Avoiders" is to ask open-ended questions.  Ask a yes/no question and you are likely to get a yes/no answer -- or, more likely, an "I don't know."  Posing open-ended questions will force a more detailed and informative response.

     Often, if you don't really need the cooperation of an "Avoider", it might be in your own best interests to let sleeping dogs lie.  Why frustrate yourself?  But when the "Avoider" is the keeper of much-needed information, or their input is critical to a relationship or project you care about, changing your communication style to better work with theirs may be worth the effort. 

     Stay tuned for further discussion of dealing with difficult people.  If you have any stories of difficult people in your own lives, share them by posting a comment...it's the difference between me writing and us having a conversation!

How Do You Deal With Difficult People? - The "Back-Stabber"

     So, your co-worker just went to your boss and presented the proposal you were working on?  Or maybe one of the moms in the PTA told a few people you have a bit of a drinking problem so it might be best to not let you chair that committee.  You've just been stabbed in the back and you feel hurt and betrayed.  How could she do this to me?  What did I ever do to deserve this?

     Chances are you haven't done anything to deserve the bad treatment.  The "Back-Stabber" isn't interested in rewarding or punishing your behavior.  It isn't about you.  It's about the other person getting what she wants at any cost.

     In my earlier post, "How Do You Deal With Difficult People" , we discussed how these difficult ones are motivated by various personal needs.  The "Back-Stabber" is usually seeking personal gain and sometimes revenge.  Their need for gain is clearly not related to anything their victim has done, but even revenge often has little to do with the victim.  The "Back-Stabber" may very well be seeking to right some perceived wrong that was dealt by someone else...or that exists only in the distorted mind of the "Back-Stabber."  Whatever the cause for their behavior, it is rarely something for which you can blame yourself.

     So what do you do when you've been stabbed?  Confronting the person can be pretty touchy territory.  "Back-Stabbers" will almost always deny any wrong-doing and may make you out to be "paranoid" or "petty" making you feel and, perhaps, look even worse.  Maintaining a calm demeanor is essential.  Stick to the facts and try to establish a norm of honesty...but don't be surprised if none of this works.  "Back-Stabbers" tend to do what they do because it works and the pattern of behavior is deeply ingrained.  Once you've been stabbed, however, the "Back-Stabber" has made his or herself known to you for what they are.  Now you can begin to do something about it. 

1. The first step is to minimize the damage of the initial attack, if possible.  Without pointing fingers or bad-mouthing (it just makes you look bad), speak directly to the people who matter.  For example, talk to your boss about your proposal, show her evidence of your progress and let her know without going into too much detail or emotion what has happened.  Attempts to regain credit to your work may  succeed, but if not, move on and chalk it up to experience. 
2. Protect yourself in the future.  You now know who cannot be trusted.  Keep your interactions with this person to a minimum.  If you must work or associate with this person, keep it cordial and perfunctory.  Keep open and honest lines of communication with others with whom you both interact so they will hopefully trust their own positive experiences with you rather than the rumors and sneaky actions exhibited by the "Back-Stabber."
3. When possible, cover your tracks and your bases.  Share as little information as possible with the "Back-Stabber" and keep written records of work progress (in the example above). 
4. Most importantly, don't forget who you are dealing with.  "Back-Stabbers" can be very charming but once they have shown their true colors, they are unlikely to change them. 

     As always the best thing to do with difficult people is to stay as far away from them as possible, but when avoidance isn't an option, you need to be prepared to find another way.  First you identify them and then you never take your eyes off of them.  The best offense truly is a great defense.  Never let your guard down.

     Do you need even more detailed advice on how to manage relationships with difficult people?  There are a great many books on the subject so check these out if you have a minute:

   

How Do You Deal With Difficult People?

     Difficult people are everywhere.  They work with you, ride the subway with you, go to the same coffee shop.  They sometimes pop up where you least expect them; at church, in a chat room, on the comments page of your favorite blogs.  Difficult people can make your life hell, but only if you let them...and oh, how we let them.  Many of us who are easy going and able to play well with others can be caught off guard by difficult people.  We would never (okay, let's say almost never) behave the way they do, and so when we find ourselves confronted with a truly difficult person, we are often unprepared and don't know quite how to respond.  We either stand there dumbfounded and speechless, or we react, without thinking first, in an equally negative and belligerent way.  Neither response makes us feel good about ourselves and suddenly, we find that we have let someone else's negativity poison us.

     How do we stop this cycle?  We'd love it if all the difficult people would just suddenly disappear, but it's not going to happen.  It all comes down to us.  We need to understand what makes people behave the way they do, understand our own reactions and then learn to apply some new strategies.  I've been working on this for quite a while, and while I certainly have not perfected it, I'll share with you what I have learned.

     Why can't we all just get along?  Well, the answer is complicated.  People behave the way they do for many reasons, but essentially, they behave the way they do because it meets their needs.  Even dysfunctional behavior usually has a function if we analyze it closely enough.  So we are left with choices of how we are going to handle difficult people in our own lives.  We have three choices:

• Walk Away - The simplest and best approach but often, the least feasible.  There are many people that we have to maintain relationships with so we need to know what makes them tick and how best to handle them. 
• Change the Other Person - Great idea if you're Dr. Phil; not so good otherwise.  Any good therapist will tell you that the only person you can change is yourself.
• Bingo!  Change Your Response - This takes some work, but the peace of mind that it will bring when you are successful is so worth it.

     To change the way we respond, we need first to understand ourselves.  Think of difficult people you know.  What is it about them that ticks you off?  How do you normally react?  How does your reaction make the situation worse?  How do you end up feeling as a result?  Being aware of your behavior is the first step to changing it. 

    I tend to have a knee-jerk reaction to certain types of difficult people.  I like to blame it on my Italian temper, but that's really just an excuse for the bad habits I've developed over the years.  I stumbled upon something at, of all places, the Delaware Corporate and Commercial Litigation blog, that summed up my tendency nicely.  Referring to a recent seminar for legal professionals on dealing with difficult people, the author said "One theme that repeats itself, but is always hard to comply with, is the need to avoid  being "baited" as well as the need to "be the adult" and not let someone pick a fight with you or lead you into a downward spiral of retaliatory behavior." Oh but sometimes that bait just looks so darn yummy; it's so very hard not to bite.  But biting is always a mistake.  I know too well.  The point is that you have to recognize your own patterns of behavior and see where they might be counterproductive.  Remember, difficult people behave the way they do because they are getting something out of behaving that way.  Their behavior meets their needs so they're not likely to change it.  The only thing left to do is to change the way you respond to it. 

     Sometimes, taking a moment to figure out where a person is coming from and what need they are trying to meet can help us to determine the best response to their behavior.   The most common motivators for bad behavior are attempts to the need for:

• power
• attention
• importance
• revenge

Various needs behind the behavior will become obvious when you know what to look for.  This information will help you to tailor your response to each type of difficult person.  But before we talk about the types of difficult people, here are some principles of behavior to remember:

• Behavior that is reinforced will continue.  In other words, if you debate rather than ignore a person who is looking for attention, you are rewarding their behavior and you can expect it to continue.
• If you consistently ignore attention-seeking behavior it will go away - but know that it will likely get worse before it gets better.
• If behavior does not produce the desired response, it will fade.
• Sometimes doing nothing is doing something.

     Now there are many types of difficult people out there and we each have our own strengths and weaknesses in dealing with the various types.  Some types may get under your skin but not bother anyone else in the room, while others may leave you unperturbed while throwing someone else into a rage.  I'll introduce what I think are the six basic types and then we'll go into more detail on the first type.  The other five will be discussed in detail in my next few posts.

     Here is a summary of the six most common types of difficult people.  As I describe each one, think about who would drive you the craziest and if there is anyone in your life right now that you could attach this label to:

1. "The Dictator" - a person who rules by subjugation.  He will frequently employ put-downs and angry outbursts to gain or maintain control.  He is unwilling to entertain any ideas that conflict with his own.
2. "The Backstabber" - She will be pleasant to your face but attack you from behind with criticism, false rumors and other nasty stuff.  If confronted, she will smile and deny, deny, deny.
3. "The Avoider" - he will refuse to cooperate, offer no information unless under duress and will often respond with "I don't know."
4. "The Know-It-All" - She will present her own opinions as facts using a tone of authority or outright condescension.  She leaves little room for discussion and minimizes others comments.
5. "The Waffler" - He stalls for time when asked for information or input.  He likes to be liked and doesn't want to commit until he knows where everyone else stands.  He may be indecisive and/or agree to things and back out later.
6. "The Fault Finder" - She is hyper-critical, complains endlessly, has a list of why things can't be done and lays blame anywhere but on herself.

     Recognize anyone?  Which type really pushes your buttons?  You probably found that you had a much stronger reaction to one or two than you did to the others.  And if you're honest, you may have recognized yourself in one of those like I did.  Face it, we can all be difficult at times.  But for some, it is a way of life. I'm sure that you have, or still are, dealing with one or more of the types and will need to know how best to respond to them.

      For today though, let's start with the first one the "Dictator."  The "Dictator" is motivated by the need for power and prestige.  He is out to prove himself and gain everyone's admiration and attempts to do so, not by earning everyone's admiration, but by trying to beat it out of them.  Think about the gang-banger who complains about being disrespected.  Even a small amount of psychological insight can uncover the lack of confidence and low self-esteem that underlies this kind of behavior.  But remember, we're not doing therapy here.  We are just trying to understand why this person acts as he does so we can deal with him more effectively.  First, our list of what not to do:

• Don't walk away - you'll be perceived as weak by this person and they will continue to pursue you.
• Don't argue aggressively - it will just add fuel to the fire.
• Don't take their anger personally - it isn't really about you.  It's all about the "Dictator's" feelings of inadequacy.

     So what should we do?  Try a little understanding and then try to meet this person's needs in a way that is not detrimental to you.  Don't misunderstand me.  You do not want to cater to this person and simply submit to their will.  They will lose any and all respect for you.  But you also don't want to escalate things into an unwinnable argument.  A polite but firm response is what's required.  Be clear, calm and firm while still allowing the person to feel right, knowledgeable and respected.  This is a very difficult balance to achieve.  But it can be done.

      The first step is to take a deep breath and calm yourself.  The second to remember where this person is coming from and the feelings of inadequacy that are behind his behavior.  Then, if it helps (and I think it does), feel a little sorry for the poor bugger and throw him a bone.  Let him feel that his input is valuable and that he does have some control, without caving in to him totally.  Think, 50's housewife.  She made all of the decisions but sometimes let her husband think that he was in charge.

     I realize that this is easier said than done.  It takes a lot of self-control, a lot of thought and practice.  But you will find as I have, that it works (when you remember to do it).  It takes time to put these strategies to work in our lives and unless you're the Dalai Lama, you won't always be successful.  But even if you manage to put these tips into practice just some of the time, think of the aggravation it will save you.

     Remember what I said earlier, difficult people can make our lives hell, but only if we let them. Steve Pavalina on his blog about personal development used the Buddha's words to sum that concept up nicely.  He related a story about the Buddha "'where a verbally abusive man came to see him and starting hurling insults. But the Buddha just sat there calmly. Finally the man asked the Buddha why he failed to respond to the insults and abuse. The Buddha replied, “If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?” If someone is irrational, abusive, etc., you can mentally decline to accept “the gift.” Let that person keep their anger and insanity, and don’t let it affect you.'"  Nicely said.  Decline the "gift" offered to you by difficult people and you'll find yourself to be a more peaceful and happier person.  Check my next post for tips on dealing with the "Back Stabber."  Meanwhile, try out what we've talked about today and let me know how it works for you.  Feel free to post any thoughts or anecdotes in my comments section.

Women Connecting/Relationships

     I've never been what you might call "a joiner."  Following in my dad's footsteps, I tend to hold back a little.  I generally have a wait and see attitude when it comes to people.  Let me size you up and see if I really like you, see how much we have in common, whether or not we're on the same wavelength.  The problem with that is that if I'm holding back, chances are everyone around me is doing the same thing.  So there we are, all standing around making faulty assumptions about each other that are based on nothing more than a facade.  No one is really connecting.  It's a highly inaccurate way of getting to know what people are really about.  And it leads to anything but a wealth of positive relationships.  But we do it, because we don't want to just put ourselves out there, with all of our flaws, and leave ourselves vulnerable right?  As I've gotten older though, I find that I am becoming a little more secure in who I am.  I care a little bit less about what other people think.  So I put myself out there a bit more, I say what I really think more often and I openly acknowledge my flaws and my fears and and my worries.  And you know what?  When I manage to do this...to be open about what I think or what I'm worried about...it's like my own self-disclosure opens the flood gates for others.  Women, in particular, respond.  And suddenly, a connection is made.

     I've experienced this many times, and I am always amazed.  I try not to wear my heart on my sleeve and tell everyone about my problems ad nauseum, but I do try to be myself and speak honestly and from the heart.  A simple admission from me about something that I regret, or a worry I'm preoccupied with and suddenly, it's like the masks on the people around me slip off.  The change in facial expression and way of relating to me changes instantly and dramatically.  There is a look of surprise or relief.  They begin to speak with me on a whole new level, suddenly seeing me as a confidant that can be trusted to see the real person behind the mask.  I've found this to be true with women anyway.  Women need to talk things through, to confide in each other, to bounce ideas off of trusted friends who provide checks and balances.  But it seems as if we are all holding back, trying to present a confident, I've-not-a-problem-in-the-world facade.  Why - to impress each other?...to convince ourselves?  I'm not sure; I just know that it's counterproductive.

     It can be hard to open and honest with others.  Yes, it does make us a little bit vulnerable and no, not every single person will respond in the way I described above.  But, most of the time, opening up and being your true self, with all your flaws and shortcomings, leads to connection with other women.  We need this.  We need to know that we are not alone, that there are others struggling with similar issues and problems and, most importantly we need to be there for each other, sharing the joys and the concerns. 

     For those of us who are confident and out-going and sure of themselves; this is not a problem.  You probably have a wide circle of friends and a great support network.  But for those of us who are more reserved, or who simply have gotten too busy to stay connected, we have to make an effort.  Relationships take work and staying connected with other women can be a challenge in this hectic world.  It is possible though and I'm finding that the rewards outweigh the effort.  But where do you start as you look around at a small or non-existent circle of friends.  How do you reconnect if you're an isolated stay-at-home mom or a new widow?  There are many ways of enlarging your social network.  The first step is to be ready to put yourself - your real self - out there and to be ready to deal with rejection and failure in your attempts to forge new relationships.  Not everybody is going to be looking for what you're looking for.  Like any process, connecting with others takes time.

     Look at yourself first.  What kind of person are you, what are your values, your interests.  What kind of people do you want to surround yourself with?  Once you answer those questions, get involved in something that brings you closer to women who are similar to you.  But be open-minded.  Sometimes you find friends in unexpected places.  Are you a religious person?  Get involved with a women's group at your church.  Are you an avid reader?  Join a book club through your local public library.  Do you have a hobby?  Talk more to the people who shop for supplies where you shop.  Go to demonstrations or lectures or anywhere that you are likely to meet people who share your interests.  Does most of your life center around your children?  Look for women with children the same age, talk to the other moms at the playground, set up play dates.  Are you stuck at home?  The internet has a wealth of groups that you can participate in on-line.  Search under women's groups or check out these links (www.cafemom.com, www.momjunction.com, www.ivillage.com,) Or get information on how to set up your own local women's group at www.Womens-Group.net. Whoever you are and whatever you're like, if you are open and honest about who you are, most women will respond in kind. 

     Connecting with other women is essential.  We can laugh together, cry together and learn from each other.  We all need, and deserve, this kind of connection in our lives and it is possible for all of us if we make the effort.